Things I Wish I Could Tell My 16 Year Old Self

So, I was inspired by a Tweet Meme. You know the one: #tweetyour16yearoldself. Which brings up the question: what would I want to tell 16 year old Sadako?

• When you're lounging around a gazebo wearing a poofy sleeved dress, looking impossibly gorgeous and naive, if a 17-going-on-18 year old Aryan youth tries to serenade you, RUN.

• When you're sitting outside the Circle K, wondering when the Mongols ruled China and a bearded guy pulls up in a phonebooth--trust him. And yes, it's really me, not a robot, and to prove it: 69, dudes.

• Wear suntan lotion. I know what you're thinking: Baz Luhrmann is a creepy flake and didn't wearing expired suntan lotion cause those kids to sprout hair and turn into dogs in that Goosebumps book? It'll come into handy when trying to avoid the tanorexic trend that so many reality stars will popularize.

• Here's a very important book. Invest money in all the companies listed in here--and no, I wasn't joking about the website devoted to cats that look like Hitler. And if a white haired old man and a young Alex P. Keaton doppleganger show up one day, get rid of them.

• Sign that Freaks and Geeks petition. When the face of teen America becomes Gossip Girl, Glee, and iterations of 90210, you're going to wish for a little awkwardness and some kids with non airbrushed physique.

• Save your leopard print pants. Even if you don't want to ride the animal print trend, keep them, because in ten years, you might be getting ready for a Dress As Your Favorite Jersey Housewife costume party.

• Your best friend with the Clueless inspired computer game is not the luckiest girl on the face of the planet. Stop crying. In another decade when Polyvore comes out, she'll have nothing on you.
  

• Don't be a hero. Fording the river is for chumps.

• Trust no one. If a ridiculously attractive guy starts showing up at your art shows and poetry readings, he's doing it on a bet or because he was paid to. The best you can hope for is that he'll learn to appreciate your quirkiness after he gets used to being around you.

• When you're joyriding with Sarah Reeves, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Sebastian Valmont, and you hit a guy crossing the street, do the right thing. Or don't. You're young, hot, and the guy you hit was probably an asshole anyway.

• Don't bond with your best friend's mom if she's youngish, attractive, and doesn't do Mom things like bake cookies. (Bonus danger points if she asks you to call her by her first name.) Something horrible will almost certainly happen to remind you that having a conventional, Patty Chase or Cindy Walsh esque mother is preferable.

• Fight your mom tooth and nail when she reminds you that maybe the nice people at the book sale might like to have your Babysitters Club and Goosebumps books. Offer up your Beanie Babies and your Furby if you have to get her off your back. You'll thank me later. costume party.