Amuse-Biatch and the Issue of Prejudgment Interest

Oh, possums, how our nonexistent little hearts have fluttered for weeks each time we heard the Bravo announcer jauntily intone, “From the producers of Top Chef….”

It’s just the sort of clarion call to which our hearts have previously responded. Indeed, who among us hasn’t experienced an expectant swoon upon hearing, “From the makers of Metamucil” or “From the producers of White Chicks”?

And so it is with great delight that we awoke today, knowing that tonight is the premiere of I’m a Celebrity Chef (I Wish!), Get Me Out There….

Ah, just a minute, possums, Miss XaXa is pointing to the press release and mouthing something. It appears the show is actually called Top Chef Masters.

Dang it, we think there ought to be a colon in there, the way there has been for Top Chef: Miami, etc. After all, without the colon, the show’s title seems redundant (if they’re top chefs, they’re also masters, n’est-ce pas?) or misleading (if they’re supposed to be the masters of Top Chef, then that arguably means only Harold Dieterle, (God spare us!) Ilan Hall, Hung Huyhn, Stephanie Izard, and, ahem, Hosea Rosenberg). And so, for as long as we’re blogging the show, we’re going to call it Top Chef: Masters. (See, possums? 90 days have not done away with our streak of pedantry.)

Not having seen the show, we will, for the next several hours, withhold judgment. We will admit, though, that there are troubling signs. The reviews we’ve read have focused on what a kinder, gentler version of Top Chef this is. No liquor, no bunk beds, no nookie, oy vey. Indeed, the New York Daily News refers to Top Chef: Masters as a “wade in the kiddie pool” (and means it as a compliment!). What has the world come to?

As for the replacements for Tommy, Pads, and the gang, well, we will know in due time (though we think it most unsporting and, again, potentially misleading, that the original teasers for Top Chef: Masters contained no indication that the Gang of Four would not be back in their roles). We will say this, though, based on the video below. Kelly “Padma Lite” Choi seems far too nice for the job. Dare we say we will miss the Pads, who can go from cannabimbo to ice princess in the flip of her Pantene’d locks? (Hey, we’re not knocking her Pantene gig; how else are you going to wash the smell of a Carl’s Jr. burger out of your hair?)


Apparently, Top Chef: Masters will be a “tournament-style” competition (we’re told by reliable jocks that this has something to do with the sports world) in which the 24 chefs (some of whom actually qualify for the title of “master”) will do their darnedest to score some scratch for charity while trying to prevent their (in some cases incipient) television careers from taking a hit. With that in mind, we have as of now established but one ground rule: We will not make fun of anyone’s chosen charity. Not, of course, because we’re incapable of it, but, rather, because who the hell wants to tickle the bony ankles of bad karma In Times Like These? As for everything else, it’s fair game. Gird your loins, luvs.

Seeing How the Sausage Is Made

And there’s a lot of gristle in that sausage, possums, if the above is any indication. We came upon that on Television Without Pity, where poster SisterOfSylar said the tidbits came from a friend with access to inside information.

We have, of course, no way of knowing whether any of these tidbits are true, but if they are, they help to make sense of other events.

For example, during many of his post-win interviews, Hosea Rosenberg oddly discusses how demoralized he was after his make-out session with Leah Cohen, which doesn’t make a lot of sense. Earlier, we theorized that remorse on the part of Leah and Hosea was not necessarily the result of their consciences needling them, but, rather, “a product of discovery, a realization that their encounter would be televised, and would have consequences.” And if Il Colicchio did indeed have to do a finger-wagging chat with the two lovebirds, it makes this theory of ours all the more plausible. And it’s easy the stress from a fruitless attempt to convince editors not to show the make-out footage.

In any case, very interesting, possums, very.

(Click on the picture to enlarge it and read the details of Scott Conant-Fabio-Colicchio Italian-offs, Colicchio-sick-making food, and avuncular ursine scoldings.)

“Top Chef” Shocker! The Untold Story of On-Set Ursine Cannibalism!

There are times, possums, when we cannot see the bear for the fur.

Come to think of it, there are also times when we can’t see a darn thing at all because our eyeballs are so riveted by the Gail Simmons poitrine. (And yes, we feel very guilty indeed to be constantly objectifying such an intelligent and accomplished woman, but what can we do, other than to ask Christian Bale’s stepmother to indulge and forgive us?)

At any rate, this was one such occasion of blindness, and, as is so often the case, it took another woman to open our eyes, none other than our beloved Ms. Dorothy Snarker, the eagle-eyed, martini-wielding hostess of the All-Gals-In Pink-Triangular Table:



Watching the video above, we had not been able to see past les bazooms de Gail, and we had missed the most important thing of all, which La Snarker brought to our attention and provided photographic evidence for: Ursus Major Tom Colicchio eats bears!

We have not been so shocked since learning—spoiler alert!—that Soylent Green is people. Oh Tom Colicchio, how could you?

“There’s always room for Gummi Bears,” you say, a phrase that is sure to haunt the dreams of cubs across America. Perhaps a turn as spokesman for Gummi Bears is in order once the Diet Coke campaign is done? (Come to think of it, isn’t it fitting that Colicchio’s shilling for Diet Coke and choice of Hosea Rosenberg as Top Chef should have come at roughly the same time? After all, as Miss XaXa put, Hosea is the Diet Coke of Top Chefs—bland, a poor substitute for the real thing, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.)

Last Season’s Top Chef, Stephanie Izard, on Whether Padma Lakshmi Follows the Acapulco Golden Rule

Possums, as much as we like and appreciate last season’s Top Chef winner, Stephanie Izard, we cannot help but concede that she, being a cautious and intelligent sort (drats!), hasn’t always given the most thrilling of interviews (although perhaps in these Caseygate times, that’s not such a bad thing). So it is with great pleasure that we perused one of the liveliest Izard interviews to date, where she discusses her soon-to-open restaurant in Chicago and how she is confident she will beat Hosea Rosenberg during their upcoming cook-off in Aspen. But our favorite exchange was this:

Q. Settle a rumor: Does Padma like to share her weed or no?
A. Does she seem like the type who shares? That would not be very diva would it?

Page Six: Leah & Hosea at It Again

The Moment Hosea Won

Bear Baiting: A Defensive Tom Colicchio Says He’d Give Hosea the Win All Over Again

Well, possums, if there’s one thing we learnt from reading National Geographic and watching Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom as a child, it is that you must never, ever, ever attack a bear, for bears wax exceedingly wroth and their wrath is fearsome to behold.

How much more true, then, is this for the Ursus Major himself.

In response to the firestorm that has erupted on the Internet over Hosea Rosenberg’s being awarded the title of “Top Chef,” Tom Colicchio called People Magazine—exclusively!—to give the irate a piece of his mind:

“If I had to do it all over again, reading what I’m reading, I’d still say Hosea wins. He made a better meal….We don’t care about personalities. We don’t care about who was making out. We simply care about who put together a better meal from start to finish.”

First of all, the teddy doth protest too much. As mentioned in this video, he does care who was hooking up with whom. But that’s an unimportant point.

This is the bit that is interesting to us:

Plus, he adds, the judges only consider the output from that night’s challenge – never relying on past performances or outside factors.

“I come to Judges’ Table with an idea of who I think should win based on what the challenge was – not based on who I think the best chef is,” he says.

We find it curious because on his Bravo blog, Toby Young has a quibble with that “never”:

I asked Tom at the outset whether the same rule applied to judging the finale as it did to all the other challenges, namely, that we had to disregard everything the chefs had done before and judge them entirely on their performance that day. He said it did, but with one caveat: if we whittled the finalists down to two, and there was nothing to choose between them, we could bring in their past performances as a tie-breaker.

As far as I was concerned, that was exactly the situation in last night’s episode — and, for that reason, we ought to give it to Stefan, who clearly performed better over the course of the season than Hosea. My argument went like this: Stefan and Hosea tied the appetizer and the first course; Stefan won the second; and Hosea won the third. So that was one win each, deadlock.

It’s a frightening day in our little corner of the Snarkshire Moors when we find ourselves thinking that Toby Young makes a cogent, lucid, persuasive argument, but end times appear to be upon us.

But take a look at Tom’s statement again. It seems implicitly to concede that he doesn’t think Hosea is the best chef, and that is the most revealing thing of all. That, we suspect, is what lies at the heart of the “popular revolt” on the blogosphere, a very American sense that the principles of meritocracy have been violated, and that the winner, no matter what the title says, is most decidedly not Top Chef.

Even Tom Colicchio Wants to Know If Leah and Hosea “Hooked Up”; He’s Betting on Fabio for Fan Favorite, and Liked “Slumdog Millionaire”

Hosea Rosenberg’s “Tasty Treats,” “Hugs, Kisses, and Spoon-Feeding” at South Beach

For details, read this account of the party hosted at the Pelican Hotel by Jeff McInnis, and featuring the work of Jamie Lauren, Melissa Harrison, and—surprise!—Leah Cohen.

Money Shot! $100,000 Shot

Hey, possums, ain't nothin' wrong with that passionate kiss; they're both single now.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!-sea Wins

Well, possums, as we half suspected, the public "apology" and publicity rehabilitation of Hosea Rosenberg were indeed necessary because he was just revealed as the winner of this season of Top Chef. You cannot, after all, have a Top Chef whom America perceives as a cheater. We cannot harrumph loudly enough or roll our eyes violently enough.

Finale Previews: It Is *On*! Hootie Love vs. the Red Baron vs. the Stolid Mennonite Farmer from the Far Side Cartoon

Mamma Mia! Fabio Viviani Says His Mother Is “Smoking Hot”

On the video (which, until Bravo reintroduces embeddable viewing, you’ll have to watch here), Fabio says Hosea and Leah were more than friends and less than lovers, that males kissing is “a European thing,” and that he would vote for himself as fan favorite. He also asks Bravo to provide him the DVD of the season because (ahem) Bravo doesn’t sell DVDs of Top Chef.

First Reaction: Aw Shucks Oysters

Gail, Gail, Gail.

Even if nothing else during the episode had worked, the return of Gail Simmons would have been enough. In Hootie’s words, “Love ya, girl!”

But that was actually quite a tasty episode. We got: Carla winning the challenge (and a car, and bemoaning the unreliable character of men’s promises in a "Bessie Smith does Much Ado About Nothing" soliloquy); the return of Leah Cohen (who apparently learnt how to use make-up in the interim); Fabio's pink scarf and mohawk; Carla's new hair; our little longer-haired scallop Jamie Lauren (though she went a tad overboard on the Miss Clairol or the lemon juice); Jeff’s chance at redemption (sadly, no more treasure-trail shots by cameramen intent on objectifying him); “a butt-rubbing contest”; Stefabio forcibly separated; Carla's beautiful table manners; more phallocentric taunting of Hosea (just what does Stefan know? Did he see Hosea naked in the bathroom?); Padma looking like a mail-order whore in a Sergio Leone western; Fabio revealing that he’s watched masked porn; Jeff McInnis mispronouncing “chipotle”; Stefan as Mr. Grits; a patient, inoffensive, and understanding Emeril Lagasse; and Gail, Gail, Gail.

Oh, and as you can see from the picture above, Stefan actually did help Carla shuck her oysters. So much for the soulless villain.

Gesticulating with Stefan: Hitting Shrimpy Where It Hurts, as Worst Brat Hints at Bratwurst

Amuse-Biatch Tries, and Fails, to Parse the Shadings of Regret: Leah Cohen in Her Own Words

People Magazine:

Everybody is wondering, what’s your relationship with Hosea like now?
We’re really good friends. He’s my boy. I love him like a friend. Just straight off the bat we just gravitated together, and it was one night where we kissed. We were drunk and we kissed. It just happened. Of course, I wouldn’t have cheated on my boyfriend on national television, which was probably the most f—-d up thing I did on the show. I can’t take that back. I’ll take full responsibility for my actions.

Do you regret what happened at all?
I definitely regret cheating on [my boyfriend] on national television. He’s not my boyfriend anymore because of what happened on the show and other things. Do I regret kissing Hosea? Um, yes — but no at the same time. I don’t know. It’s weird. Whatever it is, I did [it]. So, there’s nothing I can do to change it.

E! Online:

Well, what did happen between you and Hosea?
We were really good friends and we kissed one night, that was pretty much it. What they showed on TV was really the extent of our relationship beyond the friendship that happened. And that was it. We hung out all the time. But I also hung out with Stefan all the time, and they didn't put that in at all. I was predominately with Hosea, Stefan and Fabio for the entire time. I didn't hang out with the girls that much.

Did you tell your boyfriend what happened?
When I got home, I told my boyfriend what happened, and then it was three months later when it came on the show. It wasn't forgotten, but it was, like, it happened, whatever.

…

Let's go back to Toby Young. What did you think of him as Gail's replacement?
Toby Young is a douchebag. He was just, like, whatever. He didn't bring much to the show. He didn't bring much to me as a judge like Gail. You valued her opinion. I thought his witty banter didn't do much for constructive criticism. My friends are like, "Who is this f--king douchebag?"


Grub Street:

What about your interaction with Hosea?
Everyone paired off and gravitated towards whoever they got along with the best. With Jamie, it was Ariane and Carla. With Danny, it was Gene. And for me it was Hosea. Did they portray it accurately? No. But we did have a connection and a strong friendship.

Did that get out of hand?
Yeah. That episode where we kissed should have never happened.

Do you regret that?
Yeah, absolutely I regret that happening. It was silly and it was a mistake.

TV Guide

TVguide.com: Did you know that the cameras caught you and Hosea kissing?
Leah: Actually, I didn't. They usually leave when everyone is going to sleep.

TVguide.com: How did your boyfriend take the news?
Leah: I went home and told him right away. He was fine with it, and then he saw the actual footage and wasn't fine with it. I guess the way I said it was kind of like, "Oh, I kind of kissed a guy on TV." Then he saw it and was like, "No, you were flirting with this guy the entire show, and then on top of that, you made out with him." Needless to say, he was not cool about it, and we are not together anymore.

Endless Simmer

OK, enough with the softball questions. Let’s talk about Hosea. What happened?
Not much. Whatever you saw on TV was pretty much the extent of what went down. We hung out all the time, we’re really good friends, and then we kissed — on TV. Nothing else happened. We’re really just friends and it went a little too far. We’re just good friends, we’re not romantically involved, and I wouldn’t say that we were on the show. I see him as a friend.

Are you still with your bf?
No. Unfortunately not.

….

What about the judges?
Gail is awesome. She was really nice and spot-on, but really critiqued us in a postivie and constructive way. Padma, well Padma is Padma. There’s really nothing else to say. I don’t have anything nice to say about Padma, so I’m not goig to say anything. Toby, I didn’t get. He was just brought in to give his English wit and I just didn’t get it at all. Tom, I have a lot of respect for.

What did you think of Bravo’s portrayal of you?
I kind of stopped watching halfway through the season. I didn’t really like it. They made me seem like this clingy girl who was just throwing herself at Hosea, and that wasn’t how it went down at all. But that was a storyline that I guess was interesting, so whatever.

The Laws of God, the Laws of Man, or the Laws of Reality-TV Audience Morality: Just Which Laws Did Leah Cohen and Hosea Rosenberg Violate?

The titular question, possums, is one that has long puzzled us.

Indeed, we thought it most peculiar that Hosea’s “apology” to the masses should have begun thus:

First things first: None of us signed any contracts forbidding contact with the other cheftestants. We did not break any rules.

Uh, first things first. Let us state our belief and opinion, based on the text itself, that the Eliot Spitzer-worthy “apology” was overseen by publicists and/or lawyers. Because, of course, when you cheat on your boyfriend or girlfriend, the first concern that comes to mind is whether the cheating was in breach of a legal contract.

Also, notice how no “apology” from Leah was issued under the aegis of Bravo. Ah, those double standards. Of course, as her exit interviews with various publications show, Leah did not take kindly to being portrayed as a clingy Jezebel. But it’s more than that. It’s called damage control and rehabilitation. You will notice, of course, that when the “apology” was issued, on January 23, 2009, Hosea was already guaranteed a spot on the finals, in which he is the best hope of beating Stefan Richter for the title. In this not-so-epic Baldo a Baldo contest, it is Stefan who is supposed to be the villain, not stolid-Mennonite-farmer-from-the-West-cum-skaterboy-led-astray-by-Asian-Jewish-temptress-from-the-big-city-of-New-York Hosea. Indeed, by January 23, the finale had already been filmed in New Orleans, and who knows what, if anything, the “apology” means about who won.

But revenons à nos moutons.

“Hosea” says, “We did not break any rules.”

And yet consider these various bits, possums.

• In August 2007, New York Magazine published a cover story titled, “The Near-Fame Experience of Being a Bravo Reality Star.” The tidbit that grabbed most people’s attention was this: “The contestants on Bravo shows are not allowed money, credit cards, cell phones, newspapers, magazines, televisions, or Internet access….They can’t even have sex with one another to pass the time. (An STD could result in a lawsuit—unlike hookup reality shows, the contestants aren’t tested beforehand for communicable diseases.)”

• The day after publication of the article, Andrew “Raggaydy Andy” Cohen, Bravo Senior VP of Production and Programming, wrote the following on his Bravo blog: “I feel pretty great that under our watch, you ain’t allowed to ‘do it’ with another contestant. We’re not the ‘Real World’ and we’re not checking for STD’s and we’re just not in that game. If Tabs [Shear Design contestant Tabatha] gets herpes from another hairstylist that I helped cast, how am I gonna sleep at night!? Design all the dresses you want, but screw on your own clock. Or sign up to be on ‘Temptation Island’.”

And yet exactly a year later, August 2008, when the New York season of Top Chef is filming, it is no longer against the rules? Is it that, à la Bill Clinton, only penetrative vaginal intercourse is prohibited? (Although remember how coy Wesley Nault and Daniel Feld were on the last season of Project Runway regarding when their romance began and what they did about it while they were on the show?)

Notice, again, the careful wording of the Hosea “apology”: “None of us signed any contracts forbidding contact with the other cheftestants.” Well, “contact” is a little vague, ain’t it? After all, according to The New York Post, Wesley and Daniel “broke show rules by communicating with each other the day after the elimination. Nault passed Feld a note, and Feld gave Nault a silver bracelet.” Ah, well, perhaps swapping spit is better than swapping notes and jewelry.

Possums, it just doesn’t make sense. What continues to irk us, though, is the double standard. To the extent they are guilty of anything, Hosea and Leah are equally guilty. And yet the masses aren't baying for Hosea’s blood. He makes a lame-ass politician’s apology, and goes on his gap-toothed, xenophobic way to the finals, while thousands cheer as the clingy tramp is sent home. ‘T ain’t right, we say. Yes, we know the world was ever so, but come on, this is Bravo, for immorality’s sake.

Perhaps people care so much because this was the first acknowledged romance in the history of Top Chef (although we are intrigued by the rumors we have read of another couple of heterosexual team mates on this season going at it when the camera crews had left for the night; maybe Leah and Hosea were just unlucky in getting caught by the cameras). Even so, Leahosea can’t hold a candle to the seething, roiling, head-shaving, watersporting, self-hating, homoerotic folie à deux that was Marcilan (the Marcel Vigneron-Ilan Hall pairing in Season 2, which was to Jean Genet as Cruel Intentions is to Dangerous Liaisons, or 10 Things I Hate About You is to The Taming of the Shrew).

Wayward & Biatchstein Investigate: The Red Shirt Diaries, a Softcore Epic

Possums, as part of our analysis of Leah Cohen’s tenure on Top Chef, we were particularly intrigued by a statement she made during an interview with our pals at The Feedbag:

I didn’t want to be on the show anymore. Especially after the night before Restaurant Wars. They told me they had footage of Hosea and I [sic]. That had happened before that. Why would they tell me that right before restaurant wars? At that point I just felt like Bravo’s little puppet.

But…but…but on the show it looked like the marathon make-out session took place the night before Restaurant Wars. And here Leah is saying that it happened before that. Surely the Bravo editors wouldn’t deceive us or fiddle with the timeline of events? No, impossible!

This was definitely a job for Wayward & Biatchstein.

To the tape, possums.

Take a good look at the photo below. According to the chronology of the episode as aired, it depicts the night before Restaurant Wars. As you can see, Leah is wearing a short-sleeved white t-shirt and Hosea is wearing a red t-shirt. An unkempt, tired-looking and -sounding Leah says to Hosea that she is going to sleep.

Now take a look at a photo from the make-out session, which, if you believe the chronology of the episode as aired, took place shortly after this exchange.

What’s this? Leah’s hair is no longer Medusa-like, and she is now sporting a white tanktop, and Hosea is fully dressed and sporting a white t-shirt. So, if you are to believe the chronology of the episode as aired, Hosea changed his clothes, and the half-asleep Leah changed her clothes and combed her hair, just for the purpose of making out secretly on the couch.

But hark! Here is the red t-shirt again, and what is Hosea saying in his interview while he sports said shirt? “Last night, Leah and I are sitting on the couch for probably two hours, and we ended up kissing” (emphasis added).

Say what?

Again, if you are to believe the chronology of the episode as aired, you have to believe that Hosea started out the night in the red t-shirt, then changed into jeans and a white t-shirt just to make out with Leah, and then changed back into the red t-shirt the next day to say they kissed “last night.” Uh-huh, yeah.

As Miss XaXa put it, “Not hardly likely.”

In our opinion, it looks like Leah was telling the truth, and that the make-out session did not take place the night before Restaurant Wars.

In our theoretical “red shirt” timeline, the make-out session likely took place the night that Ariane Duarte was ousted for butchering the lamb on the “Down on the Farm” episode. Indeed, if you pay attention to what Hosea says during the interview bits where he wears the red shirt, he refers only to events that took place during the “Down on the Farm” episode and during the first day of the “Restaurant Wars,” e.g., the Quickfire Challenge judged by Stephen Starr. This supports the theory that Hosea’s interview took place the evening of the first Restaurant Wars day, after the Starr challenge.

Thus, our “red shirt” timeline goes something like this:

Day A: The cheftestants travel to Stone Barns and prepare lunch for the farmers. They return to New York in the afternoon, and during Judges’ Table Ariane is pykagged. As Leah told TVGuide.com, the camera people “usually leave when everyone is going to sleep.” And that night, after Ariane’s ouster, thinking the cameras had gone, she and Hosea had their make-out session on the couch (without, of course, taking their body mikes off).

Day B: No apparent remorse following the make-out session. Stephen Starr Quickfire Challenge; Leah selected as head of one of Restaurant Wars teams, hugs Hosea following positive verdict from Starr; go shopping at Pier One; return to apartment; production staff inform them of make-out footage from previous night; Hosea, wearing red shirt, talks about their kissing “last night”; Hosea and distraught Leah go over menu for next day’s Restaurant Wars.

Day C: Restaurant Wars; demoralized Leah.

Well, you may say, possums, so what? So you spent hours reviewing the episode footage and trying to figure this out, but what difference does it make?

Leah, it seems to us, casts this as a dark plot to demoralize and manipulate her (and possibly the outcome of Restaurant Wars): “Why would they tell me that right before restaurant wars? At that point I just felt like Bravo’s little puppet.”

We wouldn’t go that far. We think, though, that the real sequence of events casts a different light on Leah and Hosea’s behavior. The episode is edited to suggest, if not outright state, that Leah and Hosea were, to quote Fabio, “een a sheetee mood” on the day of Restaurant Wars itself because of morning-after remorse and regret on account of their make-out session, and that such remorse affected their performance during Restaurant Wars. It’s a much more moralistic gloss, immoral cheaters undermined by the realization of their own immorality (and, we have argued and will argue elsewhere, plays into a storyline about Leah as some sort of temptress leading stolid Hosea astray).

But look at this image from the Quickfire Challenge, which took place the morning after the make-out session (or even earlier, if the make-out session occurred before Ariane’s ouster).

Does it look like these are two people in the throes of remorse for having, in Leah’s words, “cheated” on their significant others? Again, not hardly likely.

However, if Leah’s version of events is correct, then her bad mood during Restaurant Wars was due not to natural morning-after regret, but to the fact of having been told by producers, “Gotcha!” The “love birds,” as Ariane described them, thought no one had seen their encounter, and they were wrong. Her remorse, and Hosea’s remorse, and the attendant “sheetee mood,” were a product of discovery, a realization that their encounter would be televised, and would have consequences.

We were rooting for Radhika Desai’s team, and we’ll certainly never know, but perhaps Leah’s team would have performed better had this not come into play.

Leah & Hosea to Cook Together Again

And under the auspices of Jeff McInnis, who is throwing a recession-buster of a party in South Beach. Tickets (only 150 are available!) are “$175+taxes+fees” and give you, possums, “access to both penthouses on the top floor of the Pelican [Hotel], culinary entertainment [ahem] by Top Chefs, open bar and ocean views.” The sweet stylings of Nero on the lyre are complimentary. Buy your tickets now! And if you do go, possums, be sure to send us a report.

Previews: Denial, Gimmicks, Creative Monkeys (Borrowed from Hung?), Leah Sows Her Wild Quaker Oats, and How the Hell Is Nikki Cascone an “All-Star”?