Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: The Ravages of Time, Hormones and Sugar; the Persistent Doucheyness of Wallet Chains and Thumbs in Pockets

Amanda Baumgarten, Stephen Hopcraft Star in Bravo Anti-Tobacco PSA: This Is What You Look Like When You Smoke

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: After His “Flame Goes Pouf!”, Swish Kabob Wins the Gay, Er, Day

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Psychic Lesbian Unable to Predict Her Own Demise

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: So *That’s* What Happened to Urkel

Possums, before you groan, we say, Come on—cheap and easy (visual) puns are a staple of Top Chef, and never more so than on this season and, perhaps, this episode (“bipartisandwich”?). Besides, what with the dead wife, we gave him a one-episode pass as regards mocking him. This is Episode 2, and the pass has expired. Welcome Grown-Up Urkel.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Prissy Sweater-Gay Saveurs the Memory of His Own Wedding Night

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Kelly Choi's Retina-Scarring Wardrobe Explained: She Uses a Blindfold While Dressing

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Ah, Lesbians and Their Power Tools!

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Mike Isabella Reveals Himself as the Lon Cheney, Sr., De Nos Jours

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Quaker Oats Announces Updated Aunt Jemima Campaign--She's Now White, Young, Tattooed and Pierced

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Renée Zellweger Does Her Best Popeye Impression

Amuse-Biatch Exclusive: Ron Duprat Had Earlier Career in Television; Do You Care? Of Course You Do

In Fond Memory of Richard Sweeney: “Don’t forget to suck the head; it’s where the best part is”

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Bravo Editors and the Art of the Reaction Shot

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: We Thought It Was the Other Gyllenhaal Sibling Who Was Supposedly Gay

Top Chef “Yes, We Have No Bananas” Shocker: Lesbian Falls into Semiotic Trap!

Who, you? Yes, you.

It’s no use looking shocked and sheepish. You’ve been found out. How, Preeti, possum, how do you fall into these semiotic traps?

First came the encounter with the Sorting Hat at the start of the Quickfire Challenge, in which you showed the world just how lucky and satisfied your girlfriend—pardon us, your “lady”—must be.

Even your fellow member of this season’s Team Rainbow, who ought to know a thing or two about AshFulk-ing, looks impressed with your technique, the just-so curve of the hand.

Then came the Quickfire Challenge itself, during which you repeatedly admitted that you’d never opened a clam before, which prompted us to yell at the television, “Go on, pull the other one. It’s got bells on it.”

But it wasn’t until we reviewed the premiere episode carefully that we noticed how you’d slipped on a metaphorical banana peel and fallen into the biggest lesbian semiotic trap of all.

Oh, possum, how could you? Didn’t you know that there are cameras everywhere, and that those horrible, basement-dwelling bloggers, who suffer from dirty minds and compulsive screencapping, would be ever at the ready? On the other hand, it was your first day on the show, indeed your first hour, so we’ll cut you a little slack.

Amuse-Biatch Possum-Responsive Photoessay: There's Gold in Them Thar Yukon Hills

Well, possums, you told us of the resemblance, and we have to say, when you're right, you're right. It also must be said, possums, that when we see Kevin Gillespie onscreen we are also tempted to intone, “What’s in your wallet?” At the rate he's going, and in light of previous statistics (thanks, Bryan Voltaggio!), there could be $125,000 in his wallet when this is all said and done. (Apropos of which, ain't it nice that the big prize has gone up 25K? And oy, what about that 100K in products from Macy's? It's like the biggest wedding gift registry in history. Think of all the toasters and Vera Wang lace-pattern vegetable serving platters!)

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Suet Pudding with a Reddish Merkin or a Younger Gimli the Dwarf King?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: I Kissed a Girl and I Didn't Like It

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Where the Bois Are