Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: A Picture So Filthy, So Lubricious, So Suggestive That Only Gael Greene Could Do It Justice

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Ah, Lesbians and Their Power Tools!

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: We Thought It Was the Other Gyllenhaal Sibling Who Was Supposedly Gay

Top Chef “Yes, We Have No Bananas” Shocker: Lesbian Falls into Semiotic Trap!

Who, you? Yes, you.

It’s no use looking shocked and sheepish. You’ve been found out. How, Preeti, possum, how do you fall into these semiotic traps?

First came the encounter with the Sorting Hat at the start of the Quickfire Challenge, in which you showed the world just how lucky and satisfied your girlfriend—pardon us, your “lady”—must be.

Even your fellow member of this season’s Team Rainbow, who ought to know a thing or two about AshFulk-ing, looks impressed with your technique, the just-so curve of the hand.

Then came the Quickfire Challenge itself, during which you repeatedly admitted that you’d never opened a clam before, which prompted us to yell at the television, “Go on, pull the other one. It’s got bells on it.”

But it wasn’t until we reviewed the premiere episode carefully that we noticed how you’d slipped on a metaphorical banana peel and fallen into the biggest lesbian semiotic trap of all.

Oh, possum, how could you? Didn’t you know that there are cameras everywhere, and that those horrible, basement-dwelling bloggers, who suffer from dirty minds and compulsive screencapping, would be ever at the ready? On the other hand, it was your first day on the show, indeed your first hour, so we’ll cut you a little slack.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Where the Bois Are

Uptown Girl Jamie Lauren on Lasses' Mustaches and Just How Much Tequila It Would Take to Make Her Sleep with Stefan Richter

Possums, there’s kitchen-sink drama and kitchen-table comedy, and given how much looking back in anger we’ve done over the past few days, the latter seems infinitely more palatable. Add our late, lamented Top Scallop Jamie Lauren to the mix, and you’ve definitely got something.

As part of their kitchen-table comedy show, Liz Feldman, of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and her “sidegeek” Raimy Rosenduft traveled up to Sodom by the Sea and, in addition to making our favorite lipstick lesbian cook, interviewed her about Stefan, tequila, make-up, and the hairiness of San Francisco lesbians. Enjoy, possums.

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

The Lisa Fernandes Reputation Rehabilitation Tour Continues on “The View”

What the hell happened to Stephen Asprinio? He still suffers from logorrhea and pretentiousness (which it would be hypocritical for us to mock), but he is no longer bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He is hunched, humbled, and those glasses diminish him. On the other hand, he’d be right at home on a crappy season of The L Word.

Apropos of which, why, oh why, does Whoopi Goldberg set our gaydar off so strongly? And that dance she did when she tasted Lisa Fernandes’ food, and Lisa’s offer of a private lesson—are we delusional following a few all-nighters for work, or was there something, some chemistry, some flirting there? Now Lisa was very bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and she got an on-the-record apology of sorts from Padma for the show’s portrayal of her as anything less than “very, very nice.” That’s quite the coup.

As for Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn, time has not withered him, nor custom varied his infinite staleness. Every time we watch him on television, our eyeballs feel like they’ve caught an STD.

“My Zen Is Zonked”: Get That Woman Her Own T-Shirt

Carla lays down the law (and the mop), Jeff goes half-naked and dripping wet, Stefan’s accent adds piquancy to his views on democracy, a lesbian predictably “dialogues,” Stefan channels Gertrude Stein on the parfait and the imparfait, and Hosea resents that Stefan is hiding his candy.

Amuse-Biatch Good Vibrations Photoessay: Aren't Those Things Supposed to Be Battery-Powered?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: She *Is* a Lipstick Lesbian!

Amuse-Biatch Possum Queery: Is Jamie Lauren a Lipstick Lesbian or a Lip Gloss Lesbian?

Amuse-Biatch Answers Possum Query #1

Possums, let's face it, shall we? The most recent episode was dull, dull, dull--for, oddly enough, the participants appeared to enjoy themselves more than we in the audience did.

This generally violates the rules of reality television, and left us, as you no doubt have noted, very little to work with. We are therefore turning to answer your queries and questions, possums, insofar as we are able.

Without further ado, then, let us turn to Possum Query #1: Is Stephanie Izard a lesbian?

Judging by the number of you who have inquired, the question has been weighing on your minds. Miss XaXa comes down firmly on the side of "nope, straight girl." We, on the other hand, are not so sure. Needless to say, we don't know, but all we can say is, Look at the evidence and decide.