Saturday, August 22, 2009
Amuse-Biatch Gallery of Bad Jews
Lest you think, possums, that this is a reference to Inglourious Basterds, we hasten to add that this is taken from Robin Leventhal’s statement, “Well, I’m a bad Jew, and pork would be my vice.” Bad Jews are, of course, our favorites. (In our youth, we had a Jewish boyfriend—uh, same-sex boyfriend, as Ash Fulk would put it—whose preferred Saturday morning breakfast item was a little sliced turkey with a lot of bacon on a bagel. Eating it in bed (1) on the Sabbath (2) with a Catholic (3) of the same sex made it a treyf trifecta plus two, but we digress.)
Speaking of which, didn’t you love it when, after Robin’s pronouncement, those sly Bravo editors cut to the chercest of the Chosen, the Lioness of the tribe of Judah, Ms. Gail Simmons herself? Gail, fresh from bathing in Michael Chiarello’s mushroom polenta on Top Chef Masters, tossed her head ever so slightly and laughed her “Song of Solomon”-inspiring, Wong Kar Wai-esque version of Anita Ekberg’s Trevi-fountained laughter in La Dolce Vita…uh, excuse us, possums, while we remind ourselves that we are gay.
So, without further ado, here are the shocking pictures of Eli Kirshtein promoting bacon and handling shrimp.
fuck
fuck
Amuse-Biatch Armchair Psychology: A Further Excavation of the Possible Roots of Mike Isabella’s Misogyny
And the evidence just keeps adding up, possums. In the above video interview with Bella, he recounts his origin story:
“I grew up as a young kid in an Italian family, and, uh, my grandma was cooking, and, you know, when you grow up in a really Italian family, what you see is all the women cooking and stuff like that, but I always loved being in the kitchen.”
Ach so! Let’s play Dr. Melfi for a second, shall we? So, as a result of his New Jersey Italian background, he views cooking as an exclusively feminine domain, but one in which he loved to immerse himself, thus setting up the conflict and anxiety around the issue of his masculinity, the castration anxiety arising from the warm and womb-like kitchen itself. Indeed, he was complicit, for as he details, he used to help prepare the “gravy,” or red tomato sauce. And what could be more symbolic of castration and emasculation, in these culinary terms, than the crushing of those round, testicular tomatoes to make a sauce that will be poured over those phallic spaghetti, which go from being hard and long to being broken for immersion in the pot, from which they emerge soft and floppy?
So of course having this Seveech woman in the kitchen, going head to head with him, brought back these issues. (It might be beneath us to point out the too-perfect-for-words symbolism of the fact that they were competing in shucking, um, clams. You couldn’t write this stuff. Also, we wonder if he has any women working in his kitchen; if anyone knows, do drop us a line. Oh yeah, does he have a girlfriend? This, too, would be fascinating to know.)
It’s all there, possums—his association of cooking with femininity and castration, his memory of having a bar of soap stuffed in his mouth, his view of older women as castrating harpies or Venus flytraps, his attempts to butch up the kitchen, his penchant for those Ed Hardy shirts sported by Jon Gosselin (the poster boy for the castrated male trying to reassert his masculinity in hateful ways).
Makes sense to us. Bella, please get help.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Death comes ri(pp/dd)ing... more mare-ier
toure:
and speaking of Jeff Bridges and SpiderMen...
Also; since somebody brought the Moon into this [again], the dark spots on the face of the Moon are curiously known as Mares, the same name given to female horses. Not sure of the relevance, but I figured I'd throw it up here and see if someone else could make it stick;
"Dead Horse takes you into the next world"
Death comes ri(pp/dd)ing... more mare-ier
toure:and speaking of Jeff Bridges and SpiderMen...
Also; since somebody brought the Moon into this [again], the dark spots on the face of the Moon are curiously known as Mares, the same name given to female horses. Not sure of the relevance, but I figured I'd throw it up here and see if someone else could make it stick;
"Dead Horse takes you into the next world"
Amuse-Biatch Pages Dr. Freud to Treat Mike Isabella's Fear of Vagina Dentata
Possums, we had earlier theorized that a hate-fuck involving Bella and Seveech was possible. But watching this video, it looks like they might well soon make out in a Camaro parked off the Leah and Hosea Memorial Lovers’ Lane somewhere in Northern New Jersey.
But we were unprepared (and yet boundlessly delighted) to have our cheap Freudian theories further reinforced, as it were, out of the horse-ass’s mouth.
Seveech says that Robin “One Less Old Lady” Leventhal is in the hot tub in the boys’ room, and Bella jumps in, complete with hand gestures, to say that the “old lady” is lying in wait for the boys, “She’s gonna eat ‘em up, like a Venus flytrap.”
!?!?!?!?!
Wow, just wow. Who needs a DSM-IV when they make it so easy for you? Seriously, possums. You ask for vagina dentata, you get Venus flytrap. Oy, Sigmund, what are we to do?
We need health care reform, if only so that this jackass can get help.
3 Drawing Nights
Got a little backed up on posts, been super busy. So here's a cumulative post of last night's James Dean pose at The Drawing Club, and a set of Gladiator and Gypsy poses from Kline academy.
Toon Talk: Kid ‘N’ Dragon
1977 was a banner year for American films, what with such cinematic touchstones as Woody Allen’s Annie Hall and Steven Spielberg’s Close Encounters of the Third Kind among the year’s releases. Oh yeah, and there was a little movie called Star Wars too. Of course, Disney had its contributions as well, beginning with the animated summer hit The Rescuers. The studio closed out the year with its holiday release, Pete’s Dragon, re-released on DVD
this week in a new “High-Flying Edition”.
A musical fantasy combining live action and animation, Pete’s Dragon was then Disney’s latest (and, in retrospect, last) attempt to recreate the phenomenal success of 1964’s Mary Poppins. Following 1971’s similar foray, Bedknobs and Broomsticks (which will also see a new DVD
release next month), Pete’s Dragon, despite an all-star cast and Academy Award nominated music, didn’t exactly reach Poppins heights, creatively or commercially. Yet it has remained a fan favorite amongst Disney enthusiasts, mostly due to the comical charms of its toon title character.Click here to continue reading my Toon Talk review of the new Pete's Dragon DVD at LaughingPlace.com.
Top Chef “Yes, We Have No Bananas” Shocker: Lesbian Falls into Semiotic Trap!
Who, you? Yes, you.
It’s no use looking shocked and sheepish. You’ve been found out. How, Preeti, possum, how do you fall into these semiotic traps?
First came the encounter with the Sorting Hat at the start of the Quickfire Challenge, in which you showed the world just how lucky and satisfied your girlfriend—pardon us, your “lady”—must be.
Even your fellow member of this season’s Team Rainbow, who ought to know a thing or two about AshFulk-ing, looks impressed with your technique, the just-so curve of the hand.
Then came the Quickfire Challenge itself, during which you repeatedly admitted that you’d never opened a clam before, which prompted us to yell at the television, “Go on, pull the other one. It’s got bells on it.”
But it wasn’t until we reviewed the premiere episode carefully that we noticed how you’d slipped on a metaphorical banana peel and fallen into the biggest lesbian semiotic trap of all.
Oh, possum, how could you? Didn’t you know that there are cameras everywhere, and that those horrible, basement-dwelling bloggers, who suffer from dirty minds and compulsive screencapping, would be ever at the ready? On the other hand, it was your first day on the show, indeed your first hour, so we’ll cut you a little slack.
Amuse-Biatch Possum-Responsive Photoessay: There's Gold in Them Thar Yukon Hills
Well, possums, you told us of the resemblance, and we have to say, when you're right, you're right. It also must be said, possums, that when we see Kevin Gillespie onscreen we are also tempted to intone, “What’s in your wallet?” At the rate he's going, and in light of previous statistics (thanks, Bryan Voltaggio!), there could be $125,000 in his wallet when this is all said and done. (Apropos of which, ain't it nice that the big prize has gone up 25K? And oy, what about that 100K in products from Macy's? It's like the biggest wedding gift registry in history. Think of all the toasters and Vera Wang lace-pattern vegetable serving platters!)
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