Amuse-Biatch Tries to Keep Abreast of Gail Simmons News: Oh Google What Hast Thou Wrought?

Amuse-Biatch Gallery of Bad Jews

Lest you think, possums, that this is a reference to Inglourious Basterds, we hasten to add that this is taken from Robin Leventhal’s statement, “Well, I’m a bad Jew, and pork would be my vice.” Bad Jews are, of course, our favorites. (In our youth, we had a Jewish boyfriend—uh, same-sex boyfriend, as Ash Fulk would put it—whose preferred Saturday morning breakfast item was a little sliced turkey with a lot of bacon on a bagel. Eating it in bed (1) on the Sabbath (2) with a Catholic (3) of the same sex made it a treyf trifecta plus two, but we digress.)

Speaking of which, didn’t you love it when, after Robin’s pronouncement, those sly Bravo editors cut to the chercest of the Chosen, the Lioness of the tribe of Judah, Ms. Gail Simmons herself? Gail, fresh from bathing in Michael Chiarello’s mushroom polenta on Top Chef Masters, tossed her head ever so slightly and laughed her “Song of Solomon”-inspiring, Wong Kar Wai-esque version of Anita Ekberg’s Trevi-fountained laughter in La Dolce Vita…uh, excuse us, possums, while we remind ourselves that we are gay.

So, without further ado, here are the shocking pictures of Eli Kirshtein promoting bacon and handling shrimp.

“Top Chef” Shocker! The Untold Story of On-Set Ursine Cannibalism!

There are times, possums, when we cannot see the bear for the fur.

Come to think of it, there are also times when we can’t see a darn thing at all because our eyeballs are so riveted by the Gail Simmons poitrine. (And yes, we feel very guilty indeed to be constantly objectifying such an intelligent and accomplished woman, but what can we do, other than to ask Christian Bale’s stepmother to indulge and forgive us?)

At any rate, this was one such occasion of blindness, and, as is so often the case, it took another woman to open our eyes, none other than our beloved Ms. Dorothy Snarker, the eagle-eyed, martini-wielding hostess of the All-Gals-In Pink-Triangular Table:



Watching the video above, we had not been able to see past les bazooms de Gail, and we had missed the most important thing of all, which La Snarker brought to our attention and provided photographic evidence for: Ursus Major Tom Colicchio eats bears!

We have not been so shocked since learning—spoiler alert!—that Soylent Green is people. Oh Tom Colicchio, how could you?

“There’s always room for Gummi Bears,” you say, a phrase that is sure to haunt the dreams of cubs across America. Perhaps a turn as spokesman for Gummi Bears is in order once the Diet Coke campaign is done? (Come to think of it, isn’t it fitting that Colicchio’s shilling for Diet Coke and choice of Hosea Rosenberg as Top Chef should have come at roughly the same time? After all, as Miss XaXa put, Hosea is the Diet Coke of Top Chefs—bland, a poor substitute for the real thing, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.)

Despite Feeling Like a Deer in Some *Very* Nice Headlights, Amuse-Biatch Attempts to Stay Abreast of News and Rumors

Look, possums, we’re not blind (though, it must be said, we were very nearly blinded). We know all too well that the main issue on viewers’ minds during the Top Chef finale was not who would win, but, rather, what was up with Gail Simmons’ breasts?

Is she trying, singlehandedly and double-barreledly, to turn Bravo’s gay viewers straight? (There’s a frightening, but distinct, possibility that it might just do the trick for us. A de-Gailing?)

From far and wide (even our mother called to ask) came the purple-hued cry, Is Gail with child?

We think the answer is no. Here’s the evidence:

The Gail doth quaff. Indeed, as Raggaydy Andy recounts on his blog, after filming of the finale wrapped, early in the morning, Gail and the gang went out for drinks:

“…the entire crew and chefs went to a dive bar around the corner and celebrated the end of the season. We were surrounded by local NOLAholics, some who popped in around 7 a.m. for a nip in suits on their way to work. I took Gail out of there around 8 when a bar fight broke out. It was that kind of joint.”

As such, we think Ms. Gail is not with child. She does do a grand job of upstaging the Pads—how do you like that, Padma, how do you like that? In your face!

So what is the explanation for this recent fulsomeness and glow? We put it down to marriage.

Gail Simmons Twitters Reaction

Gail, possum, if we had a heart, it would be broken, too.

Home Cooking We Can Believe In: Hootie Wants to Make Peach Cobbler for Obama

That's what Miss Carla said in a very entertaining interview with Pipe Dream, "Binghamton University's student-run paper since 1946." When asked, "If you could cook one meal for anybody in history, who would it be and what would it be?" Carla had little hesitation:

Oh, let’s see … now that I’ve got Jacques [Pépin] out of the way (Laughs), I think it would be Obama. I think it would be President Obama and I heard he likes peach cobbler. So, I’d start him with dessert because life is uncertain. He might have to get up and walk out and then I would go on to make him something homey with a little twist on it. I don’t know what it would be, he likes homey food. I would have to ask him what that would be.

We urge you to read the interview in full, as Carla also talks about the pitfalls of editing ("if you say it, they can play it"), her love of Gail Simmons, her days in Paris, her Platonic last meal ("a hamburger so juicy that the juice runs down my arm while I’m eating it"), her favorite and least favorite challenges, and the difficulty of watching herself on television:

Sometimes it’s weird because I have these facial expressions and people would always talk about my eyes and to see myself, yes, my eyes are bugging out and yes, I make these facial expressions, but I don’t see myself that way, so it is funny to see.

First Reaction: Aw Shucks Oysters

Gail, Gail, Gail.

Even if nothing else during the episode had worked, the return of Gail Simmons would have been enough. In Hootie’s words, “Love ya, girl!”

But that was actually quite a tasty episode. We got: Carla winning the challenge (and a car, and bemoaning the unreliable character of men’s promises in a "Bessie Smith does Much Ado About Nothing" soliloquy); the return of Leah Cohen (who apparently learnt how to use make-up in the interim); Fabio's pink scarf and mohawk; Carla's new hair; our little longer-haired scallop Jamie Lauren (though she went a tad overboard on the Miss Clairol or the lemon juice); Jeff’s chance at redemption (sadly, no more treasure-trail shots by cameramen intent on objectifying him); “a butt-rubbing contest”; Stefabio forcibly separated; Carla's beautiful table manners; more phallocentric taunting of Hosea (just what does Stefan know? Did he see Hosea naked in the bathroom?); Padma looking like a mail-order whore in a Sergio Leone western; Fabio revealing that he’s watched masked porn; Jeff McInnis mispronouncing “chipotle”; Stefan as Mr. Grits; a patient, inoffensive, and understanding Emeril Lagasse; and Gail, Gail, Gail.

Oh, and as you can see from the picture above, Stefan actually did help Carla shuck her oysters. So much for the soulless villain.

Gesticulating with Gail: Amuse-Biatch Blushes While Ms. Simmons Tries to Teach Us Canadian Sign Language

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Gailellujah! The Girls Are Back

Amuse-Biatch Tries, and Fails, to Parse the Shadings of Regret: Leah Cohen in Her Own Words

People Magazine:

Everybody is wondering, what’s your relationship with Hosea like now?
We’re really good friends. He’s my boy. I love him like a friend. Just straight off the bat we just gravitated together, and it was one night where we kissed. We were drunk and we kissed. It just happened. Of course, I wouldn’t have cheated on my boyfriend on national television, which was probably the most f—-d up thing I did on the show. I can’t take that back. I’ll take full responsibility for my actions.

Do you regret what happened at all?
I definitely regret cheating on [my boyfriend] on national television. He’s not my boyfriend anymore because of what happened on the show and other things. Do I regret kissing Hosea? Um, yes — but no at the same time. I don’t know. It’s weird. Whatever it is, I did [it]. So, there’s nothing I can do to change it.

E! Online:

Well, what did happen between you and Hosea?
We were really good friends and we kissed one night, that was pretty much it. What they showed on TV was really the extent of our relationship beyond the friendship that happened. And that was it. We hung out all the time. But I also hung out with Stefan all the time, and they didn't put that in at all. I was predominately with Hosea, Stefan and Fabio for the entire time. I didn't hang out with the girls that much.

Did you tell your boyfriend what happened?
When I got home, I told my boyfriend what happened, and then it was three months later when it came on the show. It wasn't forgotten, but it was, like, it happened, whatever.

…

Let's go back to Toby Young. What did you think of him as Gail's replacement?
Toby Young is a douchebag. He was just, like, whatever. He didn't bring much to the show. He didn't bring much to me as a judge like Gail. You valued her opinion. I thought his witty banter didn't do much for constructive criticism. My friends are like, "Who is this f--king douchebag?"


Grub Street:

What about your interaction with Hosea?
Everyone paired off and gravitated towards whoever they got along with the best. With Jamie, it was Ariane and Carla. With Danny, it was Gene. And for me it was Hosea. Did they portray it accurately? No. But we did have a connection and a strong friendship.

Did that get out of hand?
Yeah. That episode where we kissed should have never happened.

Do you regret that?
Yeah, absolutely I regret that happening. It was silly and it was a mistake.

TV Guide

TVguide.com: Did you know that the cameras caught you and Hosea kissing?
Leah: Actually, I didn't. They usually leave when everyone is going to sleep.

TVguide.com: How did your boyfriend take the news?
Leah: I went home and told him right away. He was fine with it, and then he saw the actual footage and wasn't fine with it. I guess the way I said it was kind of like, "Oh, I kind of kissed a guy on TV." Then he saw it and was like, "No, you were flirting with this guy the entire show, and then on top of that, you made out with him." Needless to say, he was not cool about it, and we are not together anymore.

Endless Simmer

OK, enough with the softball questions. Let’s talk about Hosea. What happened?
Not much. Whatever you saw on TV was pretty much the extent of what went down. We hung out all the time, we’re really good friends, and then we kissed — on TV. Nothing else happened. We’re really just friends and it went a little too far. We’re just good friends, we’re not romantically involved, and I wouldn’t say that we were on the show. I see him as a friend.

Are you still with your bf?
No. Unfortunately not.

….

What about the judges?
Gail is awesome. She was really nice and spot-on, but really critiqued us in a postivie and constructive way. Padma, well Padma is Padma. There’s really nothing else to say. I don’t have anything nice to say about Padma, so I’m not goig to say anything. Toby, I didn’t get. He was just brought in to give his English wit and I just didn’t get it at all. Tom, I have a lot of respect for.

What did you think of Bravo’s portrayal of you?
I kind of stopped watching halfway through the season. I didn’t really like it. They made me seem like this clingy girl who was just throwing herself at Hosea, and that wasn’t how it went down at all. But that was a storyline that I guess was interesting, so whatever.

It’s a Hanukkah Miracle! Gail Simmons a Member of the Tribe!

Mazel tov, oh fortunate Jews of the world! Behold the Lioness of the tribe of Judah!

Of course it ought not have been a surprise that radiant, lissome, buxom, leonine, McGill summa cum laude graduate Gail Simmons should be the most alluring literary Jewess since the Biblical Esther, Rebecca in Walter Scott’s Ivanhoe and Rachel in Marcel Proust’s Remembrance of Things Past. Still, it’s nice to know.

It should have been Gail judging the Top Chef holiday episode (Michelle Bernstein is simply not an adequate replacement); on the other hand, given what an abomination the episode turned out to be, it was probably for the best that Gail not be tainted by it.

So, we didn’t get Gail in the holiday episode, but now we get to watch her make latkes, courtesy of WPIX. Enjoy, possums.

Cleavage-Baring Padma Lakshmi Brazenly Flouts the Bosom Buddies Code of Ethics

Uh, Padma, no. And we mean, Non, nyet, nein. How could you?

Everyone knows that female guests at a wedding are not supposed to wear white, so as not to distract or draw attention from the bride. A corollary of this rule is that you are not supposed visually to scream for attention at the bride’s wedding shower. And yet, despite this, and despite referring to her as “a very dear friend of mine” (we could almost hear the air quotes), you hosted the wedding shower for Gail, a woman renowned for her buxom and leonine charm, in a dress down to there, and in retina-searing purple, no less. We’re pretty sure that Emily Post would back us on this: One does not draw attention from the bride’s cleavage to one’s own bazooms. What ever possessed you? Badly done, Padma, badly done.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: The Most Beloved Lioness Since Elsa in “Born Free” Retires Temporarily from the Reality-Television Serengeti

Yes, possums, it’s true. As Gail Simmons herself confirmed on her Bravo blog, “I will not appear on the next several episodes, as I took a break from taping after that fabulous evening to finish planning my wedding and finally get married….I will be back for the finale.”

And to top it all off, she is being replaced by someone Private Eye Magazine described as looking like “peeled quail’s egg dipped in celery salt.”

What are we to do, possums? What are we to do?

We suppose these photos of The Lioness will have to tide us over until the finale.

As a bonus, have a look at the trailer for Elsa the Lioness’ movie, Born Free. In the trailer you can hear what is one of our favorite lines in the history of cinema, a question that these photos of Gail inspire us to ponder: “You don’t believe that man-eating is an inherited trait, do you?”

Gail Simmons’ Wedding-Gift Registry: You Can Still Get Her a Fish Spatula (Though Obviously Not for Chilean Sea Bass)

Well, possums, although WeddingChannel.com helpfully informs us that Gail Simmons and Jeremy Abrams have been married for 116 days, it is not too late to get our buxom and leonine McGill graduate a gift.

Gail and Jeremy registered at Bloomingdale’s and Williams-Sonoma, and there are a number of affordable items left (we’re eyeing a basting spoon). So go on, and have a look.

Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy Abrams: Gail Simmons and Husband

Your Morning Gail Break

A Little Gail to Get Us Through the Day Without a Gay

Previews: Padma Plays Gail’s Friend, Danny Gagnon Allegedly Smarter Than He Looks, and Stefan Richter More Evil Than Satan

And yes, possums, the caption for the first video does say that a "palette" rather than a "palate" is "the most crucial tool a chef can possess." Should we just give up?

Amuse-Biatch Has a Gail Time: Two More Reasons Why Gail Simmons' Husband Is a Very Lucky Man

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: We Give Thanks for Gail Simmons’ Buxom, Leonine Mystique