Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Gael Greene's Shaded Eyes Only Hint at All She Knows About the Burning Yucca

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: “Insatiable” Gael Greene Scandalizes, Titillates Victorian World by Showing Her Knees

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Contemplates the Spillage of Golden Seed

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Shows Us the Jewels of Denial

À la Recherche du Lundi Hétéro Perdu: Proustian Padma Lakshmi Tries to Turn La Puente, California, Into Combray by Way of Dazed and Confused

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: “Show, Girl”: In Preparation for Top Chef: Las Vegas, Padma Lakshmi Shows Us How to Play the Slots

Though, given her penchant for billionaires, possums, it’s certain to take more than a nickel if you want to play.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: In Honor of the Super Bowl, Padma Lakshmi Shows Off Where on Her End Zone a Field Goal Goes

Gratuitous Beefcake Shot (a Little Lean, to Be Sure, But What's There Is Cherce)

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: There Are Dreams, and There Are Dreams

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Salma Hayek Just Called to Say, “Feliz Año Nuevo”

Amuse Biatch Heterosexual (?) Monday: Eartha Kitt Was an Awfully Good Girl, RIP

Possums, Charlus is understandably in seclusion and it was fitting for me to pay tribute to my namesake, Our Lady of the XaXa Heels, the ever fashionably "late," Ms.Eartha.Fucking.Kitt. Long may she reign in a sable lined Heaven...

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: José Feliciano May Be Blind, But Even He Can See That Jarocha Salma Hayek Is Wishing Us, “¡Feliz Navidad!”

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: The Most Beloved Lioness Since Elsa in “Born Free” Retires Temporarily from the Reality-Television Serengeti

Yes, possums, it’s true. As Gail Simmons herself confirmed on her Bravo blog, “I will not appear on the next several episodes, as I took a break from taping after that fabulous evening to finish planning my wedding and finally get married….I will be back for the finale.”

And to top it all off, she is being replaced by someone Private Eye Magazine described as looking like “peeled quail’s egg dipped in celery salt.”

What are we to do, possums? What are we to do?

We suppose these photos of The Lioness will have to tide us over until the finale.

As a bonus, have a look at the trailer for Elsa the Lioness’ movie, Born Free. In the trailer you can hear what is one of our favorite lines in the history of cinema, a question that these photos of Gail inspire us to ponder: “You don’t believe that man-eating is an inherited trait, do you?”

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Simple Dish Padma Lakshmi Contemplates a Live Demonstration on TV

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: We Give Thanks for Gail Simmons’ Buxom, Leonine Mystique

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Shows Her Craft, Defies You to Spit in Your Napkin

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Asks You How You Like Them Apples

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: We and Padma Lakshmi Are Back, Giving You Our Best Come-Hither Look

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Casey Thompson Gets “Horny” While Playing Peekaboob on the Beach

Oh, don’t mind the headline, possums. Season 3 finalist Casey Thompson, pictured here on a recent jaunt to the beach in the Hamptons, is, as we know all too well, nothing if not a good sport. Says she: “Hey, give a girl a break! I haven’t had a beach vacation in years…; it was a really fun time. As for the tattoo, we all had some college moments we would like to forget…”

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Season 5 Guest Judge Dayana Mendoza Universally Acknowledged to Give Padma Lakshmi a Run for Her Bikini'd Money

Ah, possums, another beauty queen, another nekkid pic scandal. Only this time she looks to be a Top Chef guest judge as well. Imagine that. After all this time, another occupant at Judges' Table with a portfolio of "arty" black and white shots!

So, this is the newly crowned Miss Universe, Dayana (pronounced, à l’américaine, “Diana”) Mendoza, who recently filmed an episode of the upcoming season of Top Chef in which the cheftestants had to cook for an AIDS charity benefit. You will no doubt be relieved to discover that the "arty" photographs, discovered after her coronation, will not cost Dayana her rhinestone crown, though they are sure to win her many a loyal subject in the Top Chef audience.