Amuse-Biatch Het Thursday: The Man Says Yowza! The Gay Says, Didn't You Know Satin Wrinkles?!

Amuse-Biatch Tries to Keep Abreast of Gail Simmons News: Oh Google What Hast Thou Wrought?

Top Chef Shocker: Hootie Wears a Padded Bra!

“Top Chef” Shocker! The Untold Story of On-Set Ursine Cannibalism!

There are times, possums, when we cannot see the bear for the fur.

Come to think of it, there are also times when we can’t see a darn thing at all because our eyeballs are so riveted by the Gail Simmons poitrine. (And yes, we feel very guilty indeed to be constantly objectifying such an intelligent and accomplished woman, but what can we do, other than to ask Christian Bale’s stepmother to indulge and forgive us?)

At any rate, this was one such occasion of blindness, and, as is so often the case, it took another woman to open our eyes, none other than our beloved Ms. Dorothy Snarker, the eagle-eyed, martini-wielding hostess of the All-Gals-In Pink-Triangular Table:



Watching the video above, we had not been able to see past les bazooms de Gail, and we had missed the most important thing of all, which La Snarker brought to our attention and provided photographic evidence for: Ursus Major Tom Colicchio eats bears!

We have not been so shocked since learning—spoiler alert!—that Soylent Green is people. Oh Tom Colicchio, how could you?

“There’s always room for Gummi Bears,” you say, a phrase that is sure to haunt the dreams of cubs across America. Perhaps a turn as spokesman for Gummi Bears is in order once the Diet Coke campaign is done? (Come to think of it, isn’t it fitting that Colicchio’s shilling for Diet Coke and choice of Hosea Rosenberg as Top Chef should have come at roughly the same time? After all, as Miss XaXa put, Hosea is the Diet Coke of Top Chefs—bland, a poor substitute for the real thing, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.)

Despite Feeling Like a Deer in Some *Very* Nice Headlights, Amuse-Biatch Attempts to Stay Abreast of News and Rumors

Look, possums, we’re not blind (though, it must be said, we were very nearly blinded). We know all too well that the main issue on viewers’ minds during the Top Chef finale was not who would win, but, rather, what was up with Gail Simmons’ breasts?

Is she trying, singlehandedly and double-barreledly, to turn Bravo’s gay viewers straight? (There’s a frightening, but distinct, possibility that it might just do the trick for us. A de-Gailing?)

From far and wide (even our mother called to ask) came the purple-hued cry, Is Gail with child?

We think the answer is no. Here’s the evidence:

The Gail doth quaff. Indeed, as Raggaydy Andy recounts on his blog, after filming of the finale wrapped, early in the morning, Gail and the gang went out for drinks:

“…the entire crew and chefs went to a dive bar around the corner and celebrated the end of the season. We were surrounded by local NOLAholics, some who popped in around 7 a.m. for a nip in suits on their way to work. I took Gail out of there around 8 when a bar fight broke out. It was that kind of joint.”

As such, we think Ms. Gail is not with child. She does do a grand job of upstaging the Pads—how do you like that, Padma, how do you like that? In your face!

So what is the explanation for this recent fulsomeness and glow? We put it down to marriage.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Radhika Desai Risks a Wardrobe Malfunction

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Gailellujah! The Girls Are Back

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: cLEAHvage

Exhibit 37 for the case that Leah Cohen is a victim of editorial sexism. Exhibits for the opposite case to be presented soon.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: There Are Dreams, and There Are Dreams

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Salma Hayek Just Called to Say, “Feliz Año Nuevo”

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: José Feliciano May Be Blind, But Even He Can See That Jarocha Salma Hayek Is Wishing Us, “¡Feliz Navidad!”

Does Martha Stewart Think Her Hands Are Too Wrinkly?

It’s a question we asked ourselves, possums, after reading this blind item in The New York Post:

“WHICH lifestyle diva used a hand model for close-up shots in her latest book? She deemed her own hands too wrinkled”

Let’s see, possums. The term “lifestyle diva” was invented for Ms. Stewart. She does have a new book, as you can see in the still from tonight’s episode. And she is of an age where, thanks to the nature of time and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to, wrinkles (on one’s hands or elsewhere) are a distinct possibility. What say ye?

We, of course, refuse, absolutely refuse, to believe that she is such a perfectionist that she would deem any part of herself imperfect. Not our Martha, not ever.

Oh, and speaking of imperfections, what the fug is going on with Padma’s outfit? As we noted, for last week’s episode she brought out the cleavage in full force, even during the Quickfire Challenge, where she wore a brown t-shirt so tight and cleavage-enhancing that we thought that, rather than any cotton garment, she was simply sporting that Mexican mole sauce slathered all over her naked torso.

But now that Martha is here, she packs the bazooms away? Why, Padma, why? Surely you don’t fear that a Martha who has been in the slammer (and a West Virginia one at that) would go from Camp Cupcake to actually craving “cupcakes,” do you? Look, Padma, Martha will make you her bitch, just not in that way.

Cleavage-Baring Padma Lakshmi Brazenly Flouts the Bosom Buddies Code of Ethics

Uh, Padma, no. And we mean, Non, nyet, nein. How could you?

Everyone knows that female guests at a wedding are not supposed to wear white, so as not to distract or draw attention from the bride. A corollary of this rule is that you are not supposed visually to scream for attention at the bride’s wedding shower. And yet, despite this, and despite referring to her as “a very dear friend of mine” (we could almost hear the air quotes), you hosted the wedding shower for Gail, a woman renowned for her buxom and leonine charm, in a dress down to there, and in retina-searing purple, no less. We’re pretty sure that Emily Post would back us on this: One does not draw attention from the bride’s cleavage to one’s own bazooms. What ever possessed you? Badly done, Padma, badly done.

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: The Most Beloved Lioness Since Elsa in “Born Free” Retires Temporarily from the Reality-Television Serengeti

Yes, possums, it’s true. As Gail Simmons herself confirmed on her Bravo blog, “I will not appear on the next several episodes, as I took a break from taping after that fabulous evening to finish planning my wedding and finally get married….I will be back for the finale.”

And to top it all off, she is being replaced by someone Private Eye Magazine described as looking like “peeled quail’s egg dipped in celery salt.”

What are we to do, possums? What are we to do?

We suppose these photos of The Lioness will have to tide us over until the finale.

As a bonus, have a look at the trailer for Elsa the Lioness’ movie, Born Free. In the trailer you can hear what is one of our favorite lines in the history of cinema, a question that these photos of Gail inspire us to ponder: “You don’t believe that man-eating is an inherited trait, do you?”

Your Morning Gail Break

Padma Lakshmi Wears a Tight, Cleavage-Revealing Dress to Read The New York Times

The Gray Lady never looked so good. Why, oh why, possums, can't Padma always look like this on Top Chef? And we loved how her accent on this video miraculously became plummier, lilting, more elegant, with a touch of Indian, a step "up" from the Valley Girl stoner drawl we get on Top Chef. (We also love the idea of her reading, Lady Bountiful-like, bits from the Times to uninformed cheftestants and camera people, improving their little minds with news of the conflict in Ossetia and Cathy Horyn's musings on Lagerfeld.) What all of this seems impliedly to admit is that she considers Top Chef a bit of slumming. Who'd've thunk?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Just in Time for Thanksgiving, and Much to the Delight of the Teenage Boy by Her Side, Padma Lakshmi’s Cups Runneth Over

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: We Give Thanks for Gail Simmons’ Buxom, Leonine Mystique

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Monday: Padma Lakshmi Asks You How You Like Them Apples

Possum Bonus: Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Thursday: Baltimore's Jill Snyder Gives You a Peek at Her Chesapeakes