Amuse-Biatch Homosexual Wednesday: Raggaydy Andy Cohen Takes Signature Sockless Look to a New Level, Uses Mattin Noblia's Clothing as Towel

Despite Feeling Like a Deer in Some *Very* Nice Headlights, Amuse-Biatch Attempts to Stay Abreast of News and Rumors

Look, possums, we’re not blind (though, it must be said, we were very nearly blinded). We know all too well that the main issue on viewers’ minds during the Top Chef finale was not who would win, but, rather, what was up with Gail Simmons’ breasts?

Is she trying, singlehandedly and double-barreledly, to turn Bravo’s gay viewers straight? (There’s a frightening, but distinct, possibility that it might just do the trick for us. A de-Gailing?)

From far and wide (even our mother called to ask) came the purple-hued cry, Is Gail with child?

We think the answer is no. Here’s the evidence:

The Gail doth quaff. Indeed, as Raggaydy Andy recounts on his blog, after filming of the finale wrapped, early in the morning, Gail and the gang went out for drinks:

“…the entire crew and chefs went to a dive bar around the corner and celebrated the end of the season. We were surrounded by local NOLAholics, some who popped in around 7 a.m. for a nip in suits on their way to work. I took Gail out of there around 8 when a bar fight broke out. It was that kind of joint.”

As such, we think Ms. Gail is not with child. She does do a grand job of upstaging the Pads—how do you like that, Padma, how do you like that? In your face!

So what is the explanation for this recent fulsomeness and glow? We put it down to marriage.

Even Tom Colicchio Wants to Know If Leah and Hosea “Hooked Up”; He’s Betting on Fabio for Fan Favorite, and Liked “Slumdog Millionaire”

Mamma Mia! Fabio Viviani Says His Mother Is “Smoking Hot”

On the video (which, until Bravo reintroduces embeddable viewing, you’ll have to watch here), Fabio says Hosea and Leah were more than friends and less than lovers, that males kissing is “a European thing,” and that he would vote for himself as fan favorite. He also asks Bravo to provide him the DVD of the season because (ahem) Bravo doesn’t sell DVDs of Top Chef.

Reunion Show Filmed Yesterday; Fabio Merchandising Blitz Begins

As per Raggaydy Andy's blog,

We taped the reunion show yesterday....It was a lot of laughs and the [producers] unearthed some laugh-out-loud never-before-seen footage. It was raining t-shirts as Bravotv.com gave away a few...and Fabio surprised us all with some of his own. The Italian heartbreaker made shirts that featured quotes that other people said to him during the show, and some with lines that he wanted to say to others.

....

Tom hosted all the chefs and judges for a viewing of last night's episode at CraftSteak and it was so sweet watching Carla's husband watch the show. He cried as he discovered that not only had his wife won the episode, she won a Toyota Venza and a spot in the finale. (Carla is a good soldier and is living by her confidentiality contract!). The restaurant erupted into thunderous applause celebrating her win, and that lady took her well-earned bows. Concurrently, you could hear a pin drop when Fabio and Stefan were up for elimination, and the crowd groaned when Fabio hit the knife like that poor chimp Travis.

And if you look, Bravo is already selling the t-shirt pictured above. Uh-oh. Might this mean that Fabio will take the fan favorite prize from Hootie? Say it ain't so.

The Real World: New York—Bravo Shows Hellish Vision of Limbo as a Halfway House for the PYKAGged and the Dispossessed

Possums, we have just come from Bravo’s website, where we saw the most terrifying neologism since “extraordinary rendition,” namely, “sequester house.” Don’t it sound all Patriot Act?

It indeed turns out to be scary. It’s the house where those who have “gone down on apples,” cooked gummy noodles, or were done in by ostrich eggs are imprisoned while the rest of the competition goes on. It’s done presumably to prevent leaks and spoilers about the results of the competition. If a TwinkleGay leaves home to be on Top Chef and returns a few days later, well, you know what’s happened, don’t you?

And starting this week, Bravo will show scenes online from this house of horrors (for sample, click the vid above).

As you may have gathered, we’re all for deconstructionism, but this is a terrible idea. When Lauren was sent packing on that ferry, like Barbra Streisand in Funny Girl, having just been reunited with, and cruelly separated from, erstwhile best friend, TwinkleGay Patrick, well, who didn’t shed a secret, glycerine tear at the tragedy? After all, what’s a hag without her fag, a fruit fly without her fruit?

But though Padma rained on her parade, Lauren discovers at the sequester house that she is one of the luckiest people in the world (i.e., people who need gay people). And really, where’s the fun in that? Who needs the uplift?

The dead should stay dead, the PYKAGged PYKAGged to the end. We want the poignancy, the cruelty, the reality-tv bloodlust sated by the Padma-wielded whims of fate. We want real battle casualties, not Civil War reenactments where they get up from the battlefield to have lunch.

And so, unless this is going to turn into Big Brother (unlikely, though Bravo's Raggaydy Andy Cohen is a huge fan), with hot tub orgies and the like, we want none of this. We don't want reality-show revenants sitting around, drinking beer and contractually prohibited from doing the horizontal mambo. What's the good in that? We reserve the right to change our minds, but for the time being, this doesn’t look good.

The “Grews” Had a Word for Them: While Cockteasing Raggaydy Andy, Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn Confirms Jen and Zoi Are Kaput

Seriously, possums, this is a document for the ages. Spike:

* confirms that Jen Biesty and Zoi Antonitsas have broken up, that they had broken up by the time the reunion show came around, that Zoi was “more into the breakup” than Jen, and that, indeed, Zoi brought along a new girlfriend to the reunion! Quel scandale!

* says Ryan Scott has “quite a mouth on him”

* calls Lisa Fernandes “pretty miserable of a person.” He also says he “gave her [his] old restaurant.”

* does his best impression of a red-light district catamite, though Raggaydy Andy doesn’t rise to the bait, other than to say the Greeks are “AC/DC”; what could possibly have given him that idea, Spike? Surely not the pawing, the leering, the giggling, and the suggestive talk? Nah. Anyway, we simply figured that, unlike the blond Navy boy from The Bachelor, Spike simply wasn’t Andy’s type.

* says he hit on Padma during the show. Raggaydy Andy refuses to confirm that Padma is single. Very interesting.

Marcel Vigneron Raps, Has Long Eyelashes, Blushes

Did we mention that he raps? Don't say you weren't warned, possums.

Richard Blais: Lisa Fernandes Is Cool, and She's a Good Person

Ted Allen to Lisa Fernandes: Editing Is the Real Bitch; Lisa Fernandes (Not to Ted Allen): I’m Not Your Bitch, Bitch

Possums, we’re rather tickled to have stumbled upon this little clip, in which Lisa Fernandes plays television host at the Garden Party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center of New York City. She’s personable, she’s charming, she makes a lesbian joke, and fittingly enough, professes her love for the “I’m not your bitch, bitch” catchphrase. She also catches up with Raggaydy Andy Cohen and Season 4 guest judges April Bloomfield, Johny Iuzzini and Ted Allen.

Ted commiserates with her, telling her, “Editing is a bitch,” which Miss XaXa says is the most house-music-worthy declaration since “Rhythm is a dancer.” And most interestingly, Ted tells us in no uncertain terms that he feels he is “a pawn in the hands of [Bravo’s] editors,” and that he is glad to be working on his new Food Detectives show, where he won’t be subject to such editing.

“Top Chef” Shocker! Nikki Cascone Refuses to Serve a Hungry Raggaydy Andy!

So it's Monday night, possums, and Raggaydy Andy Cohen, Bravo's Senior VP of Production and Programming, and, as it happens, one of the producers of Top Chef, has just seen a "gut wrenching" play about the Iraq war. His gut having been wrenched, it was also in need of a little sustenance, and that's when disaster struck:

After the show, we wandered around Soho looking for a spot to eat. I guided us towards Prince Street and Elizabeth to the restaurant where Nikki Cascone from "Top Chef" is executive chef. It was only 10:25 and we were told the kitchen was closed. WTF? Do we live in DES MOINES or whaaaaayt?

Possums, we sympathize. What's the point of producing "the #1 food show on cable" if you can't even get a meal? And Nikki, Nikki, Nikki--we picture the Staten Island bouffant deflating atop her head as she realizes the magnitude of her faux pas.

And while we're on the subject of darling Nikki, a faithful and inquisitive Amuse-Biatch reader, N., wrote in with an intriguing possum query:

"I heard...that Nikki posed in playboy way back when she was very young.
Have you heard this or seen the pics? I'd love to find them but so far, no luck."

First of all, N., possum, it's understandable that, given our rather large collection of racy Padma pics, you would assume we'd be intimately familiar with Monsieur Hefner's work. Alas, we have not seen an issue of Playboy apart from the one our clearly misguided Secret Santa gave us during our freshman dorm gift exchange. And so we turn to the possums (especially those of you—you know who you are—with extensive collections under your beds). What say ye? For the record, we think it highly unlikely that a nice girl from Staten Island would do that sort of thing. On the other hand, Playboy is looking for Olive Garden "servers" to pose for a pictorial, so one never knows.

“Commando-in-Chief” Tom Colicchio Mentions Antonia’s Ouster and Other Unmentionables

Tom Colicchio on Antonia Lofaso’s ouster: The decision was unanimous, “she just choked,” “it was telling…very few people were around her table…”

Tom Colicchio on even more, er, pressing concerns: he does not wear thongs, but may go commando. He prefers boxers to briefs because “I don’t like things clinging to me.”

(“He needs roomy unmentionables?” asked Miss XaXa, her eyes widening with glee.)

Also, he “can’t deal with clingy girls.”

Duly noted, Chef.

Finale-Bound: Where the Sunlight's Streaming and the Natives Steaming?

And, West Side Story reference aside, possums, by steaming natives we mean, of course, the hopped-up, cage-match-ready little denizens of Top Chef (Dale, Lisa, Spike, Andrew et al).

But there's a reason for the allusion, and it isn't simply because we're Rita Moreno fans.

See, earlier this week, our pal Lesley at Eater LA let drop a little tidbit no doubt fed to her by a chappie or lassie in an underground parking garage and fearing the all-seeing eye of Big Bravoer:

We have it on very good authority that the Top Chef finale will start taping this weekend. We don't know who is in the finale, and we don't know for sure where, but rumor has it Big Tom, Pads, Gail, Ted and the happy band of guest judges are heading out to the Carribbean (think: sofrito, arroz con pollo, Salsa, J-Lo)....

And then yesterday, Raggaydy Andy, whose blog we scrutinize with quasi-Kabbalistic assiduity for just this sort of thing, let this drop:

My allergies in NYC are so bad that I want to rip my eyes out, which is reason enough for me to be sitting here at a gate at JFK very early this morning. The real reason is that I am heading to a shoot far away.

Coincidence? We think not.

UPDATE: We have confirmation from Ted Allen in The Dallas Morning News. Besides throwing out some coy hints about frontrunners perhaps not making it all the way, Ted reveals that the finale will be shot tomorrow night, and that by the time he arrives in Dallas on Sunday, he will know who won "the title of Top Chef."

Amuse-Biatch Asks Raggaydy Andy, Ever So Gently and with Great Concern, “Is There Anything You’d Like to Tell Us?”

Possums, have you ever been present when someone says something that makes you feel as though you walked in on them while they were wearing a Freudian slip and garter belt and had an open can of Crisco on the Jungian nightstand of their subconscious?

That is just how we felt when we read today's installment of Andy Cohen's blog:

Chris Hanson, the "To Catch a Predator" dude, interviewed me yesterday in my office about a piece he's doing about pervy TV executives. Just joshing, it's about a reality TV scam artist. Though I knew the topic, when I was sitting there across from him I was pretty sure I was going to get busted for something and that I would be escorted out of my office momentarily after the interview. I'm not guilty, I swear.

Raggaydy Andy, possum, qu'est-ce que c'est? You can tell us, go on. Of course, the mind boggles, but we wouldn't so much as blink if we heard an anecdote involving René Fris, the leftover ingredients from a Quickfire Challenge, and Michael Kors' shades. We promise.

On the other hand, as Miss XaXa put it, "I'd feel guilty, too, if I'd been caught wearing those shoes with that suit on The Real Housewives of New York reunion show."