The Lisa Fernandes Reputation Rehabilitation Tour Continues on “The View”

What the hell happened to Stephen Asprinio? He still suffers from logorrhea and pretentiousness (which it would be hypocritical for us to mock), but he is no longer bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. He is hunched, humbled, and those glasses diminish him. On the other hand, he’d be right at home on a crappy season of The L Word.

Apropos of which, why, oh why, does Whoopi Goldberg set our gaydar off so strongly? And that dance she did when she tasted Lisa Fernandes’ food, and Lisa’s offer of a private lesson—are we delusional following a few all-nighters for work, or was there something, some chemistry, some flirting there? Now Lisa was very bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, and she got an on-the-record apology of sorts from Padma for the show’s portrayal of her as anything less than “very, very nice.” That’s quite the coup.

As for Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn, time has not withered him, nor custom varied his infinite staleness. Every time we watch him on television, our eyeballs feel like they’ve caught an STD.

In Honor of Team Rainbow, “Prop. 8 – The Musical”

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

UPDATE...Christian group to "rotund" Jack Black: Jesus Wasn't Fat!!

The “Grews” Had a Word for Them: While Cockteasing Raggaydy Andy, Spike “Asshat” Mendelsohn Confirms Jen and Zoi Are Kaput

Seriously, possums, this is a document for the ages. Spike:

* confirms that Jen Biesty and Zoi Antonitsas have broken up, that they had broken up by the time the reunion show came around, that Zoi was “more into the breakup” than Jen, and that, indeed, Zoi brought along a new girlfriend to the reunion! Quel scandale!

* says Ryan Scott has “quite a mouth on him”

* calls Lisa Fernandes “pretty miserable of a person.” He also says he “gave her [his] old restaurant.”

* does his best impression of a red-light district catamite, though Raggaydy Andy doesn’t rise to the bait, other than to say the Greeks are “AC/DC”; what could possibly have given him that idea, Spike? Surely not the pawing, the leering, the giggling, and the suggestive talk? Nah. Anyway, we simply figured that, unlike the blond Navy boy from The Bachelor, Spike simply wasn’t Andy’s type.

* says he hit on Padma during the show. Raggaydy Andy refuses to confirm that Padma is single. Very interesting.

Richard Blais: Lisa Fernandes Is Cool, and She's a Good Person

Ted Allen to Lisa Fernandes: Editing Is the Real Bitch; Lisa Fernandes (Not to Ted Allen): I’m Not Your Bitch, Bitch

Possums, we’re rather tickled to have stumbled upon this little clip, in which Lisa Fernandes plays television host at the Garden Party celebrating the 25th anniversary of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual & Transgender Community Center of New York City. She’s personable, she’s charming, she makes a lesbian joke, and fittingly enough, professes her love for the “I’m not your bitch, bitch” catchphrase. She also catches up with Raggaydy Andy Cohen and Season 4 guest judges April Bloomfield, Johny Iuzzini and Ted Allen.

Ted commiserates with her, telling her, “Editing is a bitch,” which Miss XaXa says is the most house-music-worthy declaration since “Rhythm is a dancer.” And most interestingly, Ted tells us in no uncertain terms that he feels he is “a pawn in the hands of [Bravo’s] editors,” and that he is glad to be working on his new Food Detectives show, where he won’t be subject to such editing.

Doing It for Zoi: The Return

So it turns out the finale took place during Lisa's girlfriend's birthday, and Lisa wanted to win so she could buy the girlfriend something nice with the hundred-thou. And it turns out Dan Barber has a personality and is adorable, and Richard is funny and geeky about Star Wars (shocker, that). So why didn't we get to see all of this stuff during the regular broadcast? For one thing, it might have livened up a rather pro forma finale. We rather suspect we didn't see it because, by humanizing Lisa and showing Richard as less of a victim, it detracted from the predetermined narrative arc.

Judges Ask for Scratch Paper and Show All Their Work

From Zagat Buzz:

“…picking a winner sure wasn’t easy, Ted Allen told the Buzz at the James Beard Foundation awards. ‘This year, for the first time when we chose the winner, Tom [Colicchio] suggested as a part of making the decision we do some numerical models. It did help.’”

Very interesting, possums, n’est-ce pas? It suggests that the outcome was very close indeed, and that 30 Rock itself came very close to being dismantled brick by brick by angry Bravo viewers.

Silver, Not Bronze

Redemption and second place. It was the Dale Levitski story last year, and it was Lisa Fernandes’ turn this year. Congratulations.

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Antonia Lofaso’s Pigeon Peas ARE Fully Cooked, Thank You Very Much

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Miranda, Carrie and Charlotte Try to Ignore SaMANtha’s Sex Change

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: “If You Cross Me Again, I Will Snap You Like a Twig”

In Shakespearean Monologue About Frozen Scallops and Free Will, Machiavellian Trickster Spike Mendelsohn Decries Bravo’s “Trickery at Its Best”

As apparently free of irony as he was of hats in this interview, Spike—who, if you will remember, engaged in trickery during the block-party and boxed-lunch challenges—railed against (presumably) the show’s producers for providing frozen scallops, calling the move “trickery at its best.” Yes, possums, we also wondered whether he ducked to avoid the lightning bolt coming his way after that statement. Is it any wonder that Anthony Bourdain predicts a bright future in politics for Spike?

Perhaps the most interesting statement of all (alas, sadly clipped by Bravo) was this tidbit about Lisa Fernandes: “You know, she came for a job at my restaurant [Mai House] two days before we flew over here [to film the show], ironically.”

Ah, there; he’s recovered his sense of irony. Is the irony sharpened, we wondered, by the rumor that Spike was fired from Mai House and replaced by none other than Lisa Fernandes?

Bourdain: I’m Not Blogging for Bravo Because of Product Placement, and Dale Talde’s Dish Was the Worst I’ve Had on “Top Chef”

Well, that explains it, possums.

As you may remember from last season, Anthony Bourdain's Top Chef blog on Bravo's website was far and away the most entertaining--who could forget his picking a fight with poor, little freeze-dried Rocco DiSpirito?--and Bravo recognized it. It was nominated for a Webby, and Bravo encouraged readers to vote for it.

So it was rather surprising when the blog did not return this season. And now, courtesy of Bourdain himself on his Travel Channel blog, there seems to be an explanation:

A final note to conspiracy theorists. There is no pressure from the producers to either keep particular contestants--or send others home. In all my appearances on Top Chef, I've never seen it, never felt it. I pity any producer who'd dare suggest to Tom Colicchio that he send someone home who did not deserve it--or spare the poorest candidate for reasons of greater drama. In fact, it's his moral gravitas that makes Top Chef worth watching, in spite of all the heavy-handed product placement and occasional silly challenges.

As for me? I could give a rat's a** who the producers or Bravo want to win or not win . What I've traditionally used the Glad Family of Bags for would probably not make a good commercial. When I read the surprising announcement that Michelob, a beer I don't drink and don't much like, was going to be "sponsoring" my Bravo blog, I advised them that I felt compelled to disappoint them.

Ah, so that was it. Michelob, eh?

As you can probably guess, this came in the context of the controversial decision on last week's episode to oust gayfaced, crotch-grabbing, locker-punching, weepy, gangsta wannabe and walking Napoleon complex Dale Tale. But Bourdain explains all:

So what did happen? How come the more talented Dale, with a far more distinguished record of wins than his teammates, was the one to pack his knives....and...go? Lisa, it appeared, had two seriously screwed up dishes. Dale only had one!

True enough. But oh, what a one.

Dale's "Butterscotch Scallops were supremely bad. Jaw droppingly bad. So bad that there was a long, awkward moment at the table when all the judges just sat there, silent, stunned with disbelief that anyone--especially Dale--could serve something so...disgusting. It's the only time on Top Chef that I literally could not take another bite.

...

Lisa's laksa was screwed up. Unpleasantly smoky. But I could eat it. Her "sticky rice" dessert was awful. But not dig a hole in the ground-stick my head in--pour in Clorox bad. Like those scallops. They were distinguished by their sheer degree of awfulness, sucking everything around them down with.

Judging on Top Chef -- as has been pointed out repeatedly (most recently and succinctly by my learned colleague, Ted Allen) is on a "What Have You Cooked For Me Lately" basis. We are not supposed to care what has been achieved previously. In fact, guest judges don't even know. The shows air long after filming. So Jose Andres, for instance, can in no way be expected to know--or care--if Dale won previous challenges, deserved to win them, loves puppies and long walks on the beach--or tortures hamsters in his spare time. After deliberation, the judges were unanimous in their feeling that it was Dale who--this week--f**ked up worst.

Well, we're convinced, possums. What say you?

Refried Been There, Done That: Lisa Fernandes

[Possums, there are posts that sometimes seem premature, as later events make them more topical than when originally published. For this reason, we have decided to inaugurate a "Refried Been There, Done That" feature. To start, we have this post on Lisa Fernandes, originally published on March 12.]

Lisa Fernandes: Canadian. Christian Siriano Fan. Self-Proclaimed Bitch. Dirty, Dirty Girl. What's Not to Like?

Really, possums, just take a look at the testimonials:

Dale Talde: “Lisa, without a doubt…[,] had the worst fucking attitude ever. She was just negative…She'd tell people when she was gassy….”

Manuel “Memo” Treviño: “Lisa [has the worst attitude this season].”

Evangelos “Spike” Mendelsohn: “I’d have to say Lisa [has the worst attitude this season]. She’s a very angry person….[She has the worst personal hygiene.] Gotta wash that bandana, you know what I mean?”

Lesbian with an attitude. Fellows that were in the mood.

To be bitchy.

Oh, wait.

Lisa Fernandes: “I’m rude. I’m a bitch.”

Well, that would seem to settle that. So imagine our surprise when we saw what she told AfterEllen.com about the experience of being on Top Chef:

“People are like, ‘Oh, you’re on a reality TV show,’ but that’s not what it is. It’s not about finding out the gossip, or putting people in stupid situations to see who sleeps with whom and who beats who up.”

Oh, possum. Clearly, you never saw Season 2. Or Season 3. Or read this blog.

Perhaps underneath the gassy, mushroom-flinging, sweaty-bandana’d surface, she’s just a nice, idealistic Canadian girl?

Asshat’s Off! Yay Lesbian!

Well, possums, if we’ve said it once, we’ve said it once: She who laughs lez laughs best. That, mind you, is a corollary to our other life motto, Never piss off a lesbian, the justness of which a certain Mr. Mendelsohn has just found out the hard way.

Eater is reporting that, in a twist that makes us gurgle with Schadenfreude, Spike Mendelsohn has been fired from Drew Nieporent’s restaurant, Mai House, only to be replaced by none other than Lisa Fernandes.

Come on-a Mai House indeed.