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Showing posts with label Anthony Bourdain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Anthony Bourdain. Show all posts

Monday, December 8, 2008

Despite Their Differences, Padma Lakshmi and Anthony Bourdain United by Their Love of Booze and Crystal (and Publicity)


















Swarovski crystal, bien sûr, possums, as we learnt in a press release from Moët & Chandon (not that filthy Korbel stuff they product-place down cheftestants’ gullets on Top Chef).

Sure, Bourdain may not have a lot of respect for Padma’s intellectual abilities, but they both seem to agree on the wisdom of publicity. As the saying goes, either of them would show up to the opening of an envelope.

In this case, Moët & Chandon is launching a gimmick—“previously only available to A-list celebrities and VIPs” (like Padma and Bourdain?!?)—whereby poor saps, who no doubt need the job, will place a 14-character personalized message on a bottle of champagne, using Swarovski crystals and for a tidy sum. Och, the genius of it! Just what everyone needs in this economy! The website considerately allows you to preview your own labels, and here is the one we have chosen (and to be clear, we also made the one above):


Monday, November 17, 2008

Lauren Hope Starling: Padma Lakshmi Is a High-Maintenance, Shiny-Nosed Bitch!




























Well, possums, it looks like Lauren Hope Starling has finally learned to use that paring knife after all, and she's turning it on our Padma and joining this praise-Tom-and-bury-Padma club started by Anthony Bourdain. Lauren tells YumSugar:

"I feel that Tom [Colicchio] was portrayed accurately. He's very kind and well educated. He's obviously earned his place in the industry. As for Padma [Lakshmi], they do a very nice job editing and she comes out looking nice. She's not a person I would like to hang out with. I'm pretty easy going and not high maintenance. Everyone has to do their own hair and makeup, but she has a glam squad surrounding her at all times. They had to stop filming every two minutes to powder her nose."

Bright knives, big city indeed.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Anthony Bourdain: Padma Lakshmi Unfit to Host “Top Chef,” Much Less Be the New Secretary of State




















Possums, why is this man laughing?

Well, now we know why, and are certain he won't be back on Top Chef.

According to the Miami New Times, professional provocateur Anthony Bourdain had less than kind words to say about our Padma, finding her the hostess with the leastest:

"...Bourdain said he was a huge fan of host and fellow chef Tom Colicchio but snubbed co-host...Padma Lakshmi. Jabbing at the beauty’s intelligence, he said she wouldn’t be his first choice for Barack Obama’s cabinet...[sic]or to host a show."

Welcome to Miami, bienvenido a Meow-mi.


Monday, August 25, 2008

Dispiriting News: Rocco Does the Rumba

Oh possums, somewhere in his babyproofed lair, Anthony Bourdain is having a very good laugh this morning. Yes, indeed.

Confirming not only that he has accepted his fall from three-starred grace into the muck and filth of "has-being" but also that he is positively rolling around in that same muck, our little Rocco DiSpirito has now picked up his tight(er) trousers and dance shoes to join Dancing with the Has-Beens, er, Stars.

His illustrious companions in this dance marathon straight out of They Shoot Has-Beens, Don't They? include Kim Kardashian, Ted McGinley and Lance Bass. (There had been talk that they might allow Lance to trip the light fantastic with a male partner--wouldn't Rocco have been ideal?--but it appears that is not the case.) On the plus side, Susan Lucci will also be on. Aging Star Collapse Watch begins in 28 days. ("Oh please," says Miss XaXa. "Susan Lucci would never pull a Marie Osmond. Ever.")

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Food Stylings: Swiss Milk


“I, at last, got to settle the score with Switzerland….And their cheese? It sucks.”—Anthony Bourdain

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Amuse-Biatch Presents “The Rrrruff!! Guide to Eating,” Part 2 (Do Not Read This If You Are Squeamish; We Mean It)

As promised, possums, here is Part 2 of James Hamilton-Paterson’s article on the more unusual regional dishes of the Philippines. At the risk of sounding schoolmarmish, we must again stress that this is not for the faint of heart or stomach, and should probably not be read around mealtimes. It describes the cooking of taboo animals and methods for killing animals that would make any PETA member’s every hair stand on end. Do not read if you cannot handle it.

Certainly the article contains an element of bravado and provocation and épatez les bourgeois who are reading this British newspaper in the first place (we would also argue this is a particularly British phenomenon; one would never see this in The New York Times Food Section). We nonetheless think the article is extremely informative and has a point to make about prejudices and received ideas.

Also, have a look at this very interesting academic paper from the University of Southern California. It corroborates Hamilton-Paterson’s reporting in the process of analyzing how the practice of dog-eating leads to discrimination against Filipinos in the U.S. (The authors note that dog-eating was outlawed in the Philippines in 1998; Hamilton-Paterson’s article was written two years before the ban).

“The Rrrruff!! Guide to Eating,” Part 2

By James Hamilton-Paterson

The Guardian (London), May 18, 1996


Like any other civilized people, Filipinos make a firm distinction between pet and pot. Times would have to be hard indeed before old Rover made the supreme sacrifice. Dog dishes are often referred to generically as asosena. This is a felicitous pun on the Spanish word lily (azucena), that deathly plant introduced for their cemeteries by the Philippines’ first colonisers. But in Tagalog aso is dog, while cena is Spanish for supper; so with a small triumphal act of semantics, an indigenous eastern dish flowers to outrage the European invader.

Up in northern Luzon one can eat a satisfactory array of dog recipes, though in the town of Baguio the meat is often sold from door to door already butchered, and gastronomes will tell you it’s important to know the breed you’re cooking, as well as its age, and vary your recipe accordingly. This is where a discriminating palate pays off, since true dog lovers will know whether the dish’s lead character was a dog or a bitch, especially one on heat. Of course puppies, like veal, need bland and delicate cooking.

Filipinos, like the people of many other nations, generally kill their animals by cutting their throats and keeping the blood as a separate ingredient. One reason for this may be that bloodless meat tastes less malansa – an impossible word to translate since English doesn’t recognise what it defines. Dictionaries usually give something like “the smell of fresh fish”; but that’s not precisely it, and both fish and meat may be described as tasting malansa. It’s interesting to discover a sensory perception that is simply not recognised by one’s own culture. Bearing this in mind (for Filipinos consider malansa unpleasant), there are half a dozen common ways of cooking dog – other than straight roasting over an open fire – and plenty of regional variations. It should be remembered that most rural Filipino cookery is of the “open fire” rather than the “oven” type, which gives a distinctive flavour.

Kalderetang aso (caldera, of course, is Spanish for cauldron): A classic dog dish. Garlic and onions are fried in coconut oil until brown, and reserved. The meat (chopped Chinese style, with the bones) is fried in the same oil until tender, then the onions and garlic are put back in and a cupful of soy sauce added. When that has bubbled and seethed enough, any or all of the following can be added: tomato ketchup, peanut butter, margarine, peppercorns, chili, pickles, potatoes, carrots. The ketchup and margarine give a debased and over-sweet taste and may safely be omitted. The peanut butter imparts a slightly Indonesian flavour. To this is added a bottle of San Miguel beer – one bottle per dog – and the whole thing allowed to stew gently for an hour. A fancy asosena might even include pineapple chunks. Adobong aso (adobo being Spanish for pickling sauce): This gets rid of any malansa flavour by a different method.

Here the meat is boiled first in coconut vinegar and soy sauce. It can be embellished into adobong aso sa gata by adding turmeric and fresh ginger and then coconut milk at the end. Depending on the quality of the dog, the flavour emerges rich and clear and muttony. Bulacan dog: In Bulacan Province they have a method of boiling the meat with tamarind, onions and garlic to achieve a good, sour, sinigang flavour. Then the meat is patted dry and fried in plenty of oil. It is served with a dip made of soy sauce, chili and ketchup. This is delicious, though I can’t recommend it for cat, which is a dry meat and easily becomes stringy and floury if fried as well as boiled.

I am now in a position to promote dog done alla Toscana, which I tried out in Italy last autumn after a huntsman foolishly shot his own hound. I roasted a haunch in the oven with olive oil, garlic and rosemary. My house guest considered it a great success. Sadly, owing to the lack of rosemary and olive oil in the Philippines provinces it would be hard to introduce this taste sensation there. I feel something very good might also be done with a stuffing of basil, prunes and lemon, held together with mustard flour. Certain Italian friends affect horror – as do some of my Filipino friends – but this is a received response and not based on experience. (Hypocritical, too, since dog meat is still occasionally smoked in the Italian Alps). It’s the old argument of the ayatollahs who hadn’t read a line of Rushdie. “Oh, taste and see,” is the reasonable response.

In any case, cane alla Toscana suggests a whole range of possibilities using exotic ingredients but in a European style. I am familiar with adobong sawa, which is python, and am eager to invent python steaks in Trieste fashion, with white wine and anchovy fillets. They would be fabulous. But alas, it is an idle dream. The most one could hope for here in Europe would be an occasional adder stew with shallots.

The Philippine provinces also have some unusual culinary specialities which, for sheer inventiveness, are a tribute to the human spirit. There is a dish from the mountain provinces that requires a chicken to be plucked before it is beaten slowly to death with spoons. The theory runs that the beating mobilizes subcutaneous fat as well as breaking the capillaries, and produces a flushed, creamy texture.

I have to report – regretfully, in view of the bird’s protracted demise – that in my case it was all for nothing since it tasted to me like roast chicken by any other name. Evidently my palate is still poorly educated. I gather the Ewondo of Cameroon use a similar method on plump dogs, which are tied up and tenderized for a day with small canes before they are cooked in a complicated nine-hour procedure. In any case, readers wishing to try for themselves this method of preparing a chicken are urged to use nothing heavier than one of those light wooden spoons from Habitat. The point is not to break any bones.

Also, the sensitive are advised that even in the cheerful outdoor context of tribal cookery the scene is not without its pitiful aspects. I suppose the bird might be given an anaesthetic; yet this would violate the no-chemicals rule.

Also from the north is pinik-pilkan, which I have yet to try. It, too, starts with a chicken being beaten to death, this time with its clothes on. Once dead it is briefly roasted in its feathers before being cut up and cooked in the normal fashion. A tasty combination is for it to be mixed with itag, which is belly of pork dried and packed in salt in earthenware crocks until it becomes maggoty. This, when cooked with the chastised hen, yields a greeny-greyish sauce described as “hearty”. The sum of its parts is apparently far greater than their individual promise.

Buro dishes, a Pangasinan speciality, are also something I have never eaten. Buro refers to a way of pickling in brine. One celebrated version starts with a stew of pickled vegetables which is allowed to cool before being fed to a dog that has been starved for a couple of days. The dog wolfs it down and after an interval, someone gives the animal a special blow behind the ribs with the edge of the hand which induces immediate vomiting. The regurgitated stew is caught in a bowl, re-cooked with additional herbs and eaten. The dog, which is more cross than injured, is rewarded with a meal which this time it is allowed to digest completely.

A friend who has tried this dish, as well as another version involves fermenting fish and rice in a crock for several weeks, says buro is something you need to acquire a taste for, like kimchi, the Koreans’ pickled vegetables. Yet another Pangasinan dish involves a goat being fed as much grass as it will eat before it is killed and cooked with the grass still inside. The grass-filled stomach is allegedly delicious.

There is a range of papaitan dishes from Ilocos (pait means bitter) which have percolated south to the extent that one can find workers’ restaurants in Manila specialising in them.

A good papaitan will present an interesting taste to a European who is otherwise accustomed to bitterness only in tonic water, or in vegetables like chicory. It is well worth trying and nothing like as bitter as it sounds – far less so than some varieties of Italian salad greens, for instance.

I returned from my trip up north to my home village to find somebody’s birthday being celebrated with an old favourite – a brilliant campfire version of duck à l’orange called patotin. The duck is lightly spit-roasted and then transferred to a large iron saucepan, in the bottom of which is a bed of the Chinese fermented black beans which come in tins. A bottle of Sprite is added (though Fanta is equally satisfactory) as well as a large lump of ice. The ice slows down the cooking – heat control is always a problem with an open fire. After an hour or so the patotin is ready.

Free range duck is delicious in any case; but what makes this dish is the fizzy-drink-sweetened black bean sauce.

It used to be obligatory to end a food article by quoting the 18th-century French lawyer and gastronome, Brillat-Savarin, “Dis-moi ce que tu manges, et je te dirai ce que tu es” (Tell me what you eat and I’ll tell you what you are). I haven’t the least idea what he meant. What kind of judgment was he threatening to make? A class one? Racial? Nationalistic? Economic? Religious? Or merely implying a confident assertion of his own bon goût?

However, if he meant,“You are a curious traveler, soon to be dead and happy to try anything once,” one might allow the old fraud some points. The only form of abuse I remember without pleasure from my schooldays is gastronomic. It is a reminder that we come from a culture which thought nothing of giving Spam fritters to impressionable children. We owe it to ourselves to put our cast-iron digestions to better use, and abandon taboo in favour of new taste experiences.

Any visitor to Manila wishing to do the same might make a good start by dining at Patio Mequeni, a restaurant near Remedios Circle in Malate. Nothing too outrageous, but an interesting range of regional Filipino dishes.

The deep-fried mole crickets to nibble with a cold San Miguel as one waits for the main course are highly recommended, and would have made Vincent Holt’s evening. They rustle agreeably on the plate but are still squidgy and peanutty inside.

Dog-fanciers, on the other hand, will have to ask around, since the restaurants they are looking for tend to lie outside the touristy areas. If you find a taxi-driver who pretends not o understand, you can convince him by telling him you’re looking for aw-aw (rhymes with bow-wow). You can’t get clearer than that.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Anthony Bourdain Follows Orson Welles' Footsteps in Declaring War on a Neutral Country, But Did He Get the Wrong One?

In what is quite possibly our favorite film of all time, Carol Reed's The Third Man, Orson Welles famously spoke these self-penned words about Switzerland:


"You know what the fellow said—in Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace—and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

Mind you, this was said while in Vienna, Austria.

And now, Anthony Bourdain seemingly wants to outdo Harry Lime himself. From Bourdain's blog:


And finally, this was the episode where I, at last, got to settle the score with Switzerland. Perhaps launching an ICBM at them was a bit much -- but my skin really and truly crawls at even the sight of an Alpine vista. I don't know why exactly. Maybe it has something to do with Helmut, the Swiss/German barber I had to go to as a child. He had one of those wall murals of Lake Geneva with snow capped alps in the background -- and I always associate those images with getting an ugly and humiliating haircut from a stern-looking old guy with a scary German accent. Followed by bullying at school. Even Ricola commercials make me break into a cold sweat.

Lederhosen, Alpine hats, cuckoo clocks, St Bernards, cross country skiers and the Sound of Music make me phsyically ill. They remind me of hair clippings itching my nose, a coiff that would make a middle Brady blush, and the feeling of many tiny little fists in my face as from behind, someone goes for the atomic wedgie . So it was with real joy that I initiated launch sequence. Hell, I ain't ever making a show there anyhow. And their cheese? It sucks.

Achtung, baby! We almost sensed a famous Austrian invitingly patting a leather couch in the great beyond and rubbing his hands at the prospect of such a field day.

We ought to know better, pace that famous Austrian, than to analyze a man's nightmares and jokes, but what the hell? So, Tony, possum, are you quite sure you have the right target in your sights? Because it seems to us that your story is, well, full of holes. (And Gruyère sucks? Really? Isn’t that what goes on the onion soup at your restaurant Les Halles?)

In your list, the only things that could be considered exclusively or prototypically Swiss are St. Bernards and possibly cuckoo clocks. Lederhosen are not exclusive to Switzerland; the Germans have them, and the Austrians have them. Ditto Alpine hats. Cross country skiing seems more Nordic than, say, Alpine skiing, and The Sound of Music, well, there you're just plain wrong. That's Austria, silly, and in the movie the Von Trapps were trying to escape to Switzerland. If we may go all Dr.-Drew-diagnosing-Tom-Cruise on you, we'd say you have a problem with Teutons.

And yet, what's this?


Why, it's you in the German capital. So, you'll go to Berlin but you won't set foot in der Schweiz? Tony, Tony, what gives? Show us on the doll where the bad barber touched you.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Bourdain: I’m Not Blogging for Bravo Because of Product Placement, and Dale Talde’s Dish Was the Worst I’ve Had on “Top Chef”

Well, that explains it, possums.

As you may remember from last season, Anthony Bourdain's Top Chef blog on Bravo's website was far and away the most entertaining--who could forget his picking a fight with poor, little freeze-dried Rocco DiSpirito?--and Bravo recognized it. It was nominated for a Webby, and Bravo encouraged readers to vote for it.

So it was rather surprising when the blog did not return this season. And now, courtesy of Bourdain himself on his Travel Channel blog, there seems to be an explanation:

A final note to conspiracy theorists. There is no pressure from the producers to either keep particular contestants--or send others home. In all my appearances on Top Chef, I've never seen it, never felt it. I pity any producer who'd dare suggest to Tom Colicchio that he send someone home who did not deserve it--or spare the poorest candidate for reasons of greater drama. In fact, it's his moral gravitas that makes Top Chef worth watching, in spite of all the heavy-handed product placement and occasional silly challenges.

As for me? I could give a rat's a** who the producers or Bravo want to win or not win . What I've traditionally used the Glad Family of Bags for would probably not make a good commercial. When I read the surprising announcement that Michelob, a beer I don't drink and don't much like, was going to be "sponsoring" my Bravo blog, I advised them that I felt compelled to disappoint them.


Ah, so that was it. Michelob, eh?

As you can probably guess, this came in the context of the controversial decision on last week's episode to oust gayfaced, crotch-grabbing, locker-punching, weepy, gangsta wannabe and walking Napoleon complex Dale Tale. But Bourdain explains all:

So what did happen? How come the more talented Dale, with a far more distinguished record of wins than his teammates, was the one to pack his knives....and...go? Lisa, it appeared, had two seriously screwed up dishes. Dale only had one!

True enough. But oh, what a one.

Dale's "Butterscotch Scallops were supremely bad. Jaw droppingly bad. So bad that there was a long, awkward moment at the table when all the judges just sat there, silent, stunned with disbelief that anyone--especially Dale--could serve something so...disgusting. It's the only time on Top Chef that I literally could not take another bite.

...

Lisa's laksa was screwed up. Unpleasantly smoky. But I could eat it. Her "sticky rice" dessert was awful. But not dig a hole in the ground-stick my head in--pour in Clorox bad. Like those scallops. They were distinguished by their sheer degree of awfulness, sucking everything around them down with.

Judging on Top Chef -- as has been pointed out repeatedly (most recently and succinctly by my learned colleague, Ted Allen) is on a "What Have You Cooked For Me Lately" basis. We are not supposed to care what has been achieved previously. In fact, guest judges don't even know. The shows air long after filming. So Jose Andres, for instance, can in no way be expected to know--or care--if Dale won previous challenges, deserved to win them, loves puppies and long walks on the beach--or tortures hamsters in his spare time. After deliberation, the judges were unanimous in their feeling that it was Dale who--this week--f**ked up worst.

Well, we're convinced, possums. What say you?
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