Hosea Rosenberg’s “Tasty Treats,” “Hugs, Kisses, and Spoon-Feeding” at South Beach

For details, read this account of the party hosted at the Pelican Hotel by Jeff McInnis, and featuring the work of Jamie Lauren, Melissa Harrison, and—surprise!—Leah Cohen.

Uptown Girl Jamie Lauren on Lasses' Mustaches and Just How Much Tequila It Would Take to Make Her Sleep with Stefan Richter

Possums, there’s kitchen-sink drama and kitchen-table comedy, and given how much looking back in anger we’ve done over the past few days, the latter seems infinitely more palatable. Add our late, lamented Top Scallop Jamie Lauren to the mix, and you’ve definitely got something.

As part of their kitchen-table comedy show, Liz Feldman, of The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and her “sidegeek” Raimy Rosenduft traveled up to Sodom by the Sea and, in addition to making our favorite lipstick lesbian cook, interviewed her about Stefan, tequila, make-up, and the hairiness of San Francisco lesbians. Enjoy, possums.

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

Leah & Hosea to Cook Together Again

And under the auspices of Jeff McInnis, who is throwing a recession-buster of a party in South Beach. Tickets (only 150 are available!) are “$175+taxes+fees” and give you, possums, “access to both penthouses on the top floor of the Pelican [Hotel], culinary entertainment [ahem] by Top Chefs, open bar and ocean views.” The sweet stylings of Nero on the lyre are complimentary. Buy your tickets now! And if you do go, possums, be sure to send us a report.

“My Zen Is Zonked”: Get That Woman Her Own T-Shirt

Carla lays down the law (and the mop), Jeff goes half-naked and dripping wet, Stefan’s accent adds piquancy to his views on democracy, a lesbian predictably “dialogues,” Stefan channels Gertrude Stein on the parfait and the imparfait, and Hosea resents that Stefan is hiding his candy.

Amuse-Biatch Good Vibrations Photoessay: Aren't Those Things Supposed to Be Battery-Powered?

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: She *Is* a Lipstick Lesbian!

Amuse-Biatch Gai Savoir: “Dykon, to Me, Is in the Radish Family.”

Scallopgate Redux: On Behalf of Cheyenne Jackson, a Framed Jamie Lauren, the Gays, and Honest People in General, Amuse-Biatch Cries, “Bullshit!”

Ok, now we’re just angry.

As any faithful viewer of Top Chef (including, and especially, cheftestants) ought to know by now, scallops are the devil’s playground, an ingredient fraught with peril and the sweet but briny foretaste of doom. And so, on some level, our girl Jamie Lauren ought to know, and ought to have known, better.

Still, what Bravo’s editors have done amounts to prosecutorial misconduct.

In building their case against the scallop dish Jamie made for the Seven Swans A-Swimming component of the skull-numbingly numbskull “12 Days of Christmas” Elimination Challenge, the editors showed 6’4”, blue-eyes-and-calves-of-death gay grointhrob (much better than heartthrob) Cheyenne Jackson saying, “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming. A little too slimy.” Case closed; bring in the guilty verdict.

And yet, on the “bonus footage” on Bravo’s website we get to see Cheyenne’s complete statement, which we are transcribing just in case the video mysteriously disappears (it starts at the 30-seconds-remaining mark): “I just tried the Seven Swans A-Swimming, um, and it was good, surprisingly. I’m not usually a scallops person. A little too slimy.”


See how that works? So Cheyenne Jackson doesn’t usually like scallops because they are a little too slimy, but Jamie’s scallops were good and not slimy (and, let us not forget, Miss Martha Stewart herself raved about Jamie’s earlier-in-the-episode scallop dish).

So, you wanna talk about a little too slimy? Talk about Bravo.

Confidential to Stefan Richter: It’s “Top Chef,” Not “Project Runway” (Though Michael Kors Would Certainly Say the Crotch on Those Pants Is “Insane” )

Janice Muppet Survives to Wreak Havoc with Colicchio’s Digestive Tract and Awkward-White-Girl-Dance Another Day

Miss XaXa has reproached us, and she may well have a point, for comparing Melissa Harrison to Janice Muppet. According to Miss XaXa, Janice—though made of cloth and pulled with strings and sticks—had infinitely more rhythm than Melissa. It’s difficult to argue with that. Her dance at the Foo Fighters concert on the Thanksgiving episode is habañero-seared into our consciousness as the Ur Dance of the Awkward White Girl. Sadly for her, the truth is that, apart from giving numbingly spicy food to a head judge who “can’t digest spicy food,” that dance was her most memorable action to date. Will we be lucky enough to get more of her terpsichorean stylings?

Unsurprisingly, San Francisco Lesbian Jamie Lauren Is a Godless Heathen (and That’s Just How We Like Her)

Preview: European Stefan Richter Doesn’t Know the Meaning of the Word “Lesbian” (Hint: “Lesbierin” in German, “Lesbo” or “Lepakko” in Finnish)

In Honor of Team Rainbow, “Prop. 8 – The Musical”

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

UPDATE...Christian group to "rotund" Jack Black: Jesus Wasn't Fat!!

What a Difference Today Makes: The Fateful Video in Which Kathie Lee Gifford Reveals Why Frank Gifford Cheated on Her

Amuse-Biatch Night Vision, or Is It Nightmares? We Spy with Our Little Jaundiced, Giggling, Insinuating Eye

Stefan Richter: I Did Not Call That Woman, Ms. Lauren, a Douchebag!

In her recap of this season’s inaugural episode, our pal Lesley of Eater LA touched on the “this season on Top Chef” montage, in which Stefan Richter and Jamie Lauren are having a teensy bit of a discussion.

During the rapid montage, the word “douchebag” is uttered, and Ms. Lauren appears to take umbrage, presumably thinking, as does the audience, that it was directed at her. And so Lesley wrote, “…Stefan calls Jamie a douchebag.” (As an aside, we ought to note that Jamie falls far short on the Angry (Lesbian) scale as compared to last season—no chairs thrown, no trashcans kicked, no crotches grabbed.)

But Herr Richter has stepped forward to say, “ ‘Tain’t so.” Quoth Stefan: “by the way i did not call her a douchebag, i said i don't want to look like one.”

Fair enough. He wants to clear his name, and of course it’s a good thing that he didn’t resort to calling Jamie that. And yet we can’t help being the slightest bit disappointed. After all, what kind of reality television villain would disclaim these kind of legend-burnishing attributions, and so early in the game?

For of course he is being groomed by Bravo’s editors, and by Daniel Gagnon’s xenophobic insecurities, as this season’s villain (though in our book, idiocy can be much more villainous than competence). No matter; we like Stefan as a villain, even if the editors have to resort to the Eurovillain trope that runs from Henry James to the James Bond pictures to Alan Rickman in Die Hard and Anthony Hopkins in The Silence of the Lambs. Stefan is a savvy villain, and this tickles us. For one thing, he clearly plays to the camera and gives good “villain face.”

We’re certainly convinced. If we saw him in the supermarket produce section going through the fava beans and with a bottle of Chianti in his shopping cart, we’d definitely run the other way.

So alright, Stefan, possum. It’s fine to play nice, but not too nice, you hear?

Amuse-Biatch Programming Note: The Formation of Team Rainbow

The video clearly demonstrates that, as usual in the gay community, it was the lesbians doing the organizing while the twinks were off somewhere procuring booze or making coffee for scary-looking tops with German accents.

Bravo wasted no time in trying to capitalize on Team Rainbow (somebody in marketing give Jamie Lauren a job, stat) with t-shirts. In response, and overcome by a bout of civic-mindedness, the Gals have offered a host of brilliant marketing suggestions to Bravo. And now we have put our nonexistent Photoshop skills to the test to join our voices with theirs, but this time to address ourselves to NBC itself. NBC, like all the broadcast networks, is in desperate need of a hit. Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is no more, and Heroes is on life support. So why not take synergy to the next level and greenlight Team Rainbow as a midseason replacement? Picture it: a trio of gays with super powers who travel back in time to prevent disasters such as the passing of Proposition 8 in California, Michelle Obama’s Election Night dress, and Madonna’s discovery of Kabbalah.

STARRING:

















(Although, for obvious reasons, My Little Pony hairbrush not included with action figure).

Think about it, NBC. Save the male cheerleader, save the world. (Oh, and need we mention that Richard Sweeney was, in fact, a male cheerleader).

Amuse-Biatch Possum Queery: Is Jamie Lauren a Lipstick Lesbian or a Lip Gloss Lesbian?