Amuse-Biatch Tries to Keep Abreast of Gail Simmons News: Oh Google What Hast Thou Wrought?

Despite Feeling Like a Deer in Some *Very* Nice Headlights, Amuse-Biatch Attempts to Stay Abreast of News and Rumors

Look, possums, we’re not blind (though, it must be said, we were very nearly blinded). We know all too well that the main issue on viewers’ minds during the Top Chef finale was not who would win, but, rather, what was up with Gail Simmons’ breasts?

Is she trying, singlehandedly and double-barreledly, to turn Bravo’s gay viewers straight? (There’s a frightening, but distinct, possibility that it might just do the trick for us. A de-Gailing?)

From far and wide (even our mother called to ask) came the purple-hued cry, Is Gail with child?

We think the answer is no. Here’s the evidence:

The Gail doth quaff. Indeed, as Raggaydy Andy recounts on his blog, after filming of the finale wrapped, early in the morning, Gail and the gang went out for drinks:

“…the entire crew and chefs went to a dive bar around the corner and celebrated the end of the season. We were surrounded by local NOLAholics, some who popped in around 7 a.m. for a nip in suits on their way to work. I took Gail out of there around 8 when a bar fight broke out. It was that kind of joint.”

As such, we think Ms. Gail is not with child. She does do a grand job of upstaging the Pads—how do you like that, Padma, how do you like that? In your face!

So what is the explanation for this recent fulsomeness and glow? We put it down to marriage.

Gesticulating with Gail: Amuse-Biatch Blushes While Ms. Simmons Tries to Teach Us Canadian Sign Language

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Gailellujah! The Girls Are Back

Cleavage-Baring Padma Lakshmi Brazenly Flouts the Bosom Buddies Code of Ethics

Uh, Padma, no. And we mean, Non, nyet, nein. How could you?

Everyone knows that female guests at a wedding are not supposed to wear white, so as not to distract or draw attention from the bride. A corollary of this rule is that you are not supposed visually to scream for attention at the bride’s wedding shower. And yet, despite this, and despite referring to her as “a very dear friend of mine” (we could almost hear the air quotes), you hosted the wedding shower for Gail, a woman renowned for her buxom and leonine charm, in a dress down to there, and in retina-searing purple, no less. We’re pretty sure that Emily Post would back us on this: One does not draw attention from the bride’s cleavage to one’s own bazooms. What ever possessed you? Badly done, Padma, badly done.

Gail Simmons’ Wedding-Gift Registry: You Can Still Get Her a Fish Spatula (Though Obviously Not for Chilean Sea Bass)

Well, possums, although WeddingChannel.com helpfully informs us that Gail Simmons and Jeremy Abrams have been married for 116 days, it is not too late to get our buxom and leonine McGill graduate a gift.

Gail and Jeremy registered at Bloomingdale’s and Williams-Sonoma, and there are a number of affordable items left (we’re eyeing a basting spoon). So go on, and have a look.

Your Morning Gail Break

A Little Gail to Get Us Through the Day Without a Gay