“Top Chef” Shocker! The Untold Story of On-Set Ursine Cannibalism!

There are times, possums, when we cannot see the bear for the fur.

Come to think of it, there are also times when we can’t see a darn thing at all because our eyeballs are so riveted by the Gail Simmons poitrine. (And yes, we feel very guilty indeed to be constantly objectifying such an intelligent and accomplished woman, but what can we do, other than to ask Christian Bale’s stepmother to indulge and forgive us?)

At any rate, this was one such occasion of blindness, and, as is so often the case, it took another woman to open our eyes, none other than our beloved Ms. Dorothy Snarker, the eagle-eyed, martini-wielding hostess of the All-Gals-In Pink-Triangular Table:



Watching the video above, we had not been able to see past les bazooms de Gail, and we had missed the most important thing of all, which La Snarker brought to our attention and provided photographic evidence for: Ursus Major Tom Colicchio eats bears!

We have not been so shocked since learning—spoiler alert!—that Soylent Green is people. Oh Tom Colicchio, how could you?

“There’s always room for Gummi Bears,” you say, a phrase that is sure to haunt the dreams of cubs across America. Perhaps a turn as spokesman for Gummi Bears is in order once the Diet Coke campaign is done? (Come to think of it, isn’t it fitting that Colicchio’s shilling for Diet Coke and choice of Hosea Rosenberg as Top Chef should have come at roughly the same time? After all, as Miss XaXa put, Hosea is the Diet Coke of Top Chefs—bland, a poor substitute for the real thing, and leaves a bad taste in your mouth.)

She Shills by the Sea Shore: Padma Lakshmi Makes Her Bid at Paris Hilton-dom

Let’s see, possums. The same week that Tom Colicchio was revealed as a shill for Diet Coke, and the same night that Padma Lakshmi referred to Stefan Richter’s dessert as “pedestrian at best” (at which point we half expected a lightning bolt of irony to drop casually from Zeus’ hand and smite her), good ole Pads was herself revealed as the newest shill for Carl’s Jr., following in the stiletto-wearing footsteps of Paris Hilton.



According to People Magazine, Padma claims the television ad, directed by the same cinematic “genius” who did the Paris Hilton carwash ad, is “a beautiful love song to food….I think eating in itself is the act of great sensuality, so all you have to do is point the camera in the right direction.”

Pedestrian indeed. And what could possibly make Padma so hungry all the time?

Hootie Nation Weeps as Carla Hall’s Rise Deflated by “No”-fflé, Voodoo Double Curse

What was meant to be a blue cheese soufflé curdled into a “no”-fflé, and likewise our sense and reason have curdled into a bubbling, grief-studded, superstitious inquiry into why some things fail to rise. (And no, we’re not taking “egg whites and a too-hot oven” as an answer.)

After tossing and turning our voices-filled head on our tinfoil pillow, having nightmares of Hosea Rosenberg and Tom Colicchio holding up cans of Diet Coke and those little gold homunculi from the king cakes, an answer came to us.

It was nothing less than a voodoo double curse (though, of course, the producers tried to throw us off the scent by showing us a voodoo lady so incompetent that she suggested Jamie Lauren might yet be Stefan Richter’s girlfriend; mind you, if voodoo ladies have the power to turn lesbians into straight girls, then Jerry Falwell and Fred Phelps are going to be in a sticky bind).

Much as it pains us, since we genuinely like Casey “Beaver Boots” Thompson, we have no choice but to pronounce her the first voodoo curse of this finale. And it isn’t as if this is a new idea. Back in August of 2007, during Season 3, we had already dubbed her the “Typhoid Mary” of Top Chef, since everyone who became friendly with her was immediately eliminated from the competition.

And as for the second voodoo curse, well, we learnt yesterday that Carla once cooked for Dick Cheney. Need we say more?

With this kind of bad magic, Hootie never stood a chance.

Just for the Tastelessness of It: Colicchio Spot Features Padma Stand-In, Betrays Diet Dr. Pepper, Gets In Dig at Grant Achatz and His Ilk