Previews: After Tackling Gay Marriage Last Week, Top Chef Tackles the Issue of Gays (Including Seemingly Angry Lesbians) in the Military

Next week’s episode, entitled “Nature vs. Nurture,” will take on the issue of gay adoptions by allowing certain cheftestants to “adopt” another cheftestant’s Elimination Challenge dish, with the judges determining whether the results are “confused” or whether the seasoning is “well-adjusted.” Rosie O’Donnell will be the guest judge.

The following week’s episode, entitled “Three’s a Crowd-Pleaser,” takes up gay monogamy. Cheftestants will cook in teams of two, with some having the option of “opening” up their team to another cheftestant from a past season. Watch the fun as a past season cheftestant bonds with a current season cheftestant and the two put the remaining original teammate up for elimination. Eric “McSteamy” Dane and Rebecca Gayheart will be the special guest judges.  (Our onset spy related that Padma and Rebecca would constantly sneak away during filming, and when they returned to film the tasting scenes, they consumed all the food on the table, as well as the camera plates.)

Unpacking the Story of a Much-Needed Lobe-otomy

Well, possums, it was quite a night for Mexican food in the world of Top Chef.

On the plus side, un gringo bien chingón, Rick Bayless, won Top Chef Masters with his rendition of the Oaxacan black mole. (We’ll savor the victory for a few days before ungratefully discussing just how patronizing the franchise’s attitude to Mexican food seems to be.)

But before that, we had to suffer through an Allison Anders film, or perhaps the sequel to Quinceañera, in which tattooed chola Jennifer Zavala trotted out the cheapest and oldest of stereotypes—ay Dios mío, in the name of Lupe Vélez, I am such a Mexican spitfire—and further debased it by attempting to illustrate it with, of all things, a chile relleno.

Yes, mija, because when one thinks of spicy and fiery, it is of chiles rellenos that one thinks. As if.

Of course, she was doomed from the beginning. From the moment we saw her obscenely distended earlobes and the chest and neck tattoos (is she really “scarred” or just “scared” and saddled with a tattoo artist who can’t spell?), we had a squirming, exasperated, bourgeois reaction. This is the best representative of Mexican food the producers could find?

Matters weren’t helped by her prescient refusal to unpack her suitcase: “I’m not unpacking anything. I’m, like, very superstitious. I feel like it’s bad luck.”

Oh, how conveniently stereotypical, possum, but that’s not superstition; that’s low self-esteem. And look what happened—you got kicked off anyway, even though you didn’t unpack. So there you go; you can let go of that “superstition” now. Unless you did unpack. Well, didja?

As an extra narrative kick, we got the photo and story of her blue-eyed, güero kid whom she had intended for Harvard or Yale, which made her turn on Top Chef “not so much an opportunity; it’s more of a have-to.”

Well, Bravo, we hope you feel great for having kicked her off. Now, thanks to you, that kid is not going to Yale. And all we got was Stand and Deliver Bad Chiles Rellenos.

Will Even the Lesbians Succumb to His Charms? Fabio Viviani to Guest Wednesday on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show”

Well, they have a similar fashion sense, so perhaps it will work out.

From the guest listings on the show's website:

CHEF FABIO VIVIANI: Everybody can’t stop talking about him! He was just eliminated from Bravo’s “Top Chef,” but a lot of people thought he was going to win it all! (Me included!) He’s an amazing chef and has a personality to match! The show’s finale airs tonight and it’s down to Carla, Hosea and Stefan!! After Fabio gives a cooking demonstration, I’m gonna try to get him to spill who becomes Top Chef!

Theeza eeza tha feerst estep for Fabio televeezhon domeenazhon.

And what's this, from a Bravo Q&A?: "Hopes are that America likes me a lot because you will see me again, very soon, Italian-style."

Possums, we have an exclusive preview of Fabio's new television show:

The Fabio Viviani Exit Interview Roundup, Part 1: He Hates Cilantro, Likes In-N-Out (Animal Style!), Is a Good Lover, and His Mother Isn’t Dying

People Magazine:

You talked about your mom being sick. How is she doing?
The show is kind of exaggerated a little bit. My mom is not dying. She has a problem that she cannot move her hand. Her body produced too much calcium and the bone in the wrist is calcifying. It can’t be cured. Every six months she needs to have a surgery or else she’ll be completely paralyzed. It’s an expensive and stressful thing. But she’s hanging in there.

Is she proud of how far you got in the competition?
You know what? She doesn’t even know what’s going on. She know I’m on the show, but it’s hard to realize your son is on national TV because in Italy we don’t have these things. In Italy, if you are going on TV, it’s because you killed a whole family somewhere or you robbed a bank. So it doesn’t really happen that you are on national TV for something good. My mom, she was very happy. She told me she saw me on Google. And I told her, “Mom. I’m not on Google. Google is a search engine.”

….

Name one food you cannot stand.
Cilantro. I hate it from the deepest of my heart. And if one day if I’ll be filthy rich. I’m going to buy 20 acres, I’ll grow cilantro, and then I’m going to fly over with a combat airplane and drop an “m” bomb on the field and blow the whole thing up.

Pick your favorite fast-food restaurant.
In-N-Out is pretty good. “Animal style.” No pickle. I hate pickle too.

********
Grub Street

So you have a cookbook deal?
Yes, I have a cookbook that is coming out in April, a food and mixology book. One of my colleagues at the restaurant is a great mixologist. It will be at Wal-Mart, it will be everywhere. And what it talks about is how to do easy, stress-free Italian food, pairing with martini instead of wine.

….

You said you needed the prize money to take care of your mother. Is she going to be okay without this money?
The fact of my mom has been a little bit misunderstood. She’s not dying, she has this problem in her hand. She’s very young, she’s 47, and she has this problem [with] the bone and the cartilage in her wrist, they’re falling apart because there’s something wrong with her blood. She’s not going to die, but she had to quit the job that she was doing. I support my family every month.

A lot of viewers think you’re “the cute one.” What makes you cute?
I think an accent does its good part. And then, you know, my mom is telling me all the time that I’m the cutest person ever, so I guess my mom is right.

….

Do chefs make good lovers?
Chefs make great lovers, 'cause if you don’t please them while you’re having sex, you please them while you’re making dinner. I please them in both cases.

********
Endless Simmer

And Padma?
You know, she was speaking straight-forward Italian to me. She started in Italy as a model, she was on this TV show there, so I was actually looking at Padma way before she was tasting my food. She has a great palate. She’s a model, not a chef, but she’s very personable and we had a good time together. She’s very fun.

Were you worried about coming off as an Italian cliche?
Well you’ll have to tell me what an Italian cliche is. I left Italy because there were too many Italians, so it’s nice to be one of the few here. I think I represented my country well. Look, I’ve only been speaking English for 2 1/2 years. I had to rent the last season of Top Chef on DVD because on TV I couldn’t understand what they were saying. [Amuse-Biatch Editor's Note: This is a little odd to us, since, as far as we know, Top Chef isn't actually available on DVD.]

….

What are you up to now?
I’m getting a lot of offers, being asked to do TV shows, license my image on a line of cooking products, so all kinds of things. I hope you liked my face, because unfortunately, you’re going to be seeing a lot of it.

Another TV show! Tell us more.
Aaah, I can’t say yet, but let me just say - Watch What Happens.

Seriously. The Fauxhawk? Really?
I’m a chef, and chefs are a little like rock stars. Every summertime for the first day of summer, I dye my hair blond. Blond-blond, like Pamela Anderson blond. And then when the blond is gone I get the fauxhawk. I like to change things up. I know the pink scarf, fauxhawk thing is not really American masculine, but I’m Italian, so I don’t give a damn.

Fabio Viviani: Danny Gagnon Is So Messy That I'd Rather Live with a Pig

Well, possums, we can't say we're surprised by Fabio's statement to the L.A. Times. Not a bit surprised, in fact. We shudder just to think of it.

Fabio also announces that his restaurant is "doing 40% more business than it did in 2007" (which seems better than when he told Bravo last week that "[i]n the last 6 months of 2008 [his] restaurant did over a 38% more in profit respect to the last 6 months of 2007").

Our favorite exchange includes a bit of nationalism and a declaration that signorino Viviani is in the pink:

Right. [Stefan Richter is] also not the only cocky one.
Amore, you have to understand that chefs are like rock stars. I’m like that too! The difference is that I’m Italian. I’m personable because I'm Italian. If I was American, it’d be different. You'd think the same way about me. Look, when I left Italy to move here, I had to sell my three restaurants to do it. If I was not confident I couldn’t have done that. You have to be confident in this business.

Why’d you get a Mohawk?
I change my hair cut every other day. I’m very extravagant in certain things. I never have matching socks. Chefs are like rock stars. They have to do something to wow and create buzz. It’s not good hair to have in the U.S. but quite frankly I don’t care. I got my pink scarf, pink socks, pink shoes...

Finally, he offered further confirmation that the boob tube will not be long without him: "I'm going be everywhere. For sure a little more TV. We have something in the making."

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Say Hello to Our Leetle Frend

Amuse-Biatch “Absolutely Fabiolous” Photoessay: Tom Colicchio’s Hands Reveal He’s Been Spending Too Much Time Around Fabio Viviani

First There Was Topo Gigio, Then Roberto Benigni, and Now Fabio Viviani: Gesticulating with Fabio!!

In which we weekly devote ourselves to the impossible task of culling the best gesticulations of the most extravagant Italian import since Roberto Benigni and Topo Gigio:

Carmela Soprano Does New Jersey Proud

Breaking News: Fabio Viviani Cleared of All Accusations of False Modesty; No Verdict Yet on Charge of False Advertising

For what it’s worth, possums, we think he is but a mere pony in comparison with the real stallion, Il Colicchio.

Which, we suppose, makes Rocco DiSpirito a gelding.

Non Odiarlo Perch’È Bello e lo Sa: Fabio Viviani Beefcake Photos of the Week

Possums, don’t hate him because he’s beautiful and knows it. Just enjoy the bistecca fiorentina.

Amuse-Biatch Weekly Photoessay: Gesticulating with Fabio!!

Join us, possums, as we celebrate the joy of self-perpetuating stereotypes. We present our new weekly feature (well, until Fabio is eliminated; long may he reign), Gesticolando col Fabio!!

Amuse-Biatch Photoessay: Fabio Viviani, Who “Love Hot Dog,” Asks Eugene Villiatora to Demonstrate “How Make Hot Dog”