My !#*&%@%!!!, ‘Tis of Thee: Trying to Be Patriotic, Brian Malarkey Goes Deeply Un-American

It’s not as if we don’t agree with his point, possums, but “o” what a difference one little letter can make.

(We ought to say, by way of disclaimer and confession, that though we were quite rough with him during his season, we have developed rather a soft spot for ol’ Brian. Whatever else one can say about him (and we said it all), he had personality and gave us lots of material, which is more than one can say for a lot of the people who came after him. The little mad hatter himself, perhaps with the passage of time, has become quite a good sport about the whole thing, which is really the best way for cheftestants to play things. We daresay “Asshat” would seem a term of endearment these days, and you know, it would be. And don’t think we missed it when he called us “twisted.” Coming from MFMalarkey, we can think of no higher praise; we practically purred with pleasure.)

As for the substance of his charges, yes, absolutely. In These Troubled Times, we ought to buy American and bitch American. Besides, isn’t it the teensiest bit hypocritical for Bravo, with all its much-touted and much-vaunted “green” initiatives, to bring in a critic with such a large carbon footprint?

On the other hand, as Miss XaXa points out, Toby Young is so full of shit that maybe Bravo thought it environmentally sound to spread all that manure around.

UPDATE: Bravo fixes the country!

Tom Colicchio: “You’ll Never Beat the Cast from Season 3”

This, at least, is what the Ursus Major told Dale Levitski’s mother at the finale of Season 3, held in Chicago just before filming on Season 4 started, as Dale recounts in a new interview with Chicagoist.

Oddly enough, we had of late found ourselves missing those Miami folks. Not that this photograph of Brian MFMalarkey (sans chapeau!) as the Karate-You've-Got-to-Be-Kidding-Me from this past weekend had anything to do with it.

And you know, possums, we did find it terribly telling that this season hasn't been the subject of hyperbolic praise for how much better the contestants are. Most telling of all: Tom saying during Judges' Table on last week's episode that we were in for a "nice" season. Ouch! Don't be so enthusiastic there, Papa Bear.

Other interesting tidbits from Dale's interview:

* He's still living with Season 3's Sara Nguyen, but they don't have cable.

* Of Hung Huynh's victory: "I won, but he got the check."

* He was supposed to appear on Season 4, but had a conflict of interest because it was he who had recommended eventual winner Stephanie Izard to producers.

* His new restaurant still needs investment money. Perhaps certain men from certain Bravo reality shows would be better served by putting their money into a new restaurant venture from a talented chef than by spending it on life-sized plastic dolls who claim to be 29 (yeah, right). So come on, sugar daddies, pony up.

Breaking News: Brian MFMalarkey Latest Victim in Attack of the Killer ToMFMatoes!

As you may have heard, possums, the killer tomatoes are upon us. The original love apples are now the subject of a warning from the Food and Drug Administration because of a salmonella outbreak.

The most recent victim is Season 3 cheftestant Brian Malarkey, since, as The San Diego Union-Tribune reports, “at the elegant Oceanaire Seafood Room downtown, diners this week will savor heirlooms fresh from a California farmers market instead of Arizona.”

Oh no! The horror! But there is more:

“At fine dining restaurant The Oceanaire Seafood Room, chef Brian Malarkey was also on the telephone yesterday, swapping out tomatoes grown in Arizona, another state not on the FDA list, for fresh-on-the-vine heirloom tomatoes from the Santa Monica Farmers Market.

Malarkey said he has had to make swift adjustments to menus before, as with the spinach scare in 2006. At that time, the restaurant substituted arugula for spinach in menu items from Oysters Rockefeller to salads.

“It costs us a little more, but when a (food) bomb like this goes off you take the extra step so your guests are comfortable,” Malarkey said.”

Again, the horror! Just imagine it—having to put up with “fresh-on-the-vine heirloom tomatoes” from one of the nation’s foremost farmers markets instead of eating tomatoes trucked in from out of state! What a horrible thing to have to do to diners! MFMalarkey, we feel your pain, possum.

MFMad Hat(t)er Involved in Doppelgängerbang

Well, possums, it seems that the Season 3 cheftestants are having a bad case of the Doppelgänger. First, Dale Levitski went after this season's Richard Blais like yo momma with the hairbrush for, among other things, his signature fauxhawk: "The hair I will take as a “compliment?” … but also a hack job …." Meow.

And now, Brian MFMalarkey is going after Spike Mendelsohn, ranking him last because, as he so awkwardly puts it, "You are wearing a very similar hat to me."

And, possums, we understand.

The legal test in trademark matters is risk of confusion, and when your capital as a Top Chef contestant is limited to annoying personality trait + annoying fashion accessory, what's to distinguish you from the next scrawny putz in a deerstalker? It's absolutely enough to bring on an existential crisis even in people whose personalities aren't so shallow that an ant would drown in them.

So, possums, a little compassion, please.

Ahoy, MFMatey!: The Return of Brian MFMalarkey

Reading and writing about Casey "Beaver Boots" Thompson, and then turning our gaze to the current season's mostly lusterless roster of cheftestants, made us, we confess, ache with nostalgia for Season 3.

In fact, so dire is our nostalgia that we even began wondering about one of our all-time favorites, Brian "Asshat" MFMalarkey, who managed to combine Spike Mendelsohn's penchant for repellent headwear with Ryan Scott's prettiness, loquacity and smarm. Indeed, the fact that it takes two of this season's cheftestants to gather up the personality of one cheftestant from last season may say all that needs to be said.

Imagine our bliss, possums, when we discovered that MFMalarkey has started to post videos of himself on YouTube. One occasionally reads about drug users dying from taking heroin that is too pure and unadulterated, and we feared the same might happen to us after viewing this clip. It's all there--the not-to-be-believed hats, the loquacity, the smarm, the self-regard, the preposterous homoeroticism, and, as a bonus, a laugh so maniacal that it might have come from the very attic of Mr. Rochester's house in Jane Eyre. Enjoy!