So let me set the stage, here:
My friend Brandon, my brother Troy, and I play nerdy board games on Monday nights...I get a call yesterday from my friend Brandon who lets me know that he's watching Crank 2 and that the opening is gloriously bad. So naturally he pauses the movie and invites me over to watch it while we wait for my brother to get home from work and join us for our nerdy board games. I only mention this because this is probably the only way I would have seen Crank 2: High Voltage. Seriously...this is the worst movie ever made. I will explain how atrocious this movie is after the jump:
It's a sad experience watching this movie, because you realize how hard it is for good, intelligent, independent films to get financing and theatrical runs...and yet there are countless idiots out there who give these "filmmakers" money to make shit like Crank 2. For those that read this blog regularly you know that I am not averse to bad movie watching; in fact, a lot of the time I find great joy in watching bad movies with a community of friends -- it's a fun, not-so-serious time to hang out and laugh at the movies. However, those movies are unintentionally bad. They aren't insulting like Crank 2 is. And I thought what I was getting into was just another gratuitous exercise in the Jason Statham (who I actually think has potential as an action star if someone would just give him a role that's worth a damn) line of action films (like The Transporter films, which seem like harmless fun compared to Crank 2.)...oh how I was wrong.
There is so much ugliness in this movie. Racial stereotyping that ranges from the offensive (ho ho look it's a Saigon whore saying things like "sucky sucky") to nasty (words like "slant" and "beaner" and "fag" get tossed around without a care in the world) to just downright stupid (the have subtitles for all the foreign characters even though they speak English throughout...and not broken English...the filmmakers just thought they were being funny). There's nothing ironic about the ugly racism and homophobia in the film; it's frat boy filmmaking run amok, and it shows all that is wrong with the people who think movies like this are cool.
The movie isn't even tolerable. Every lens, angle, and editing trick is used to go from one shot to the next every second. There's a title card that's inserted during a scene where Statham's character is running that says "nine seconds later" and then it shows him running some more. If that's a joke, I don't get it. There are more scenes of people getting hit in the balls than a Disney movie, and all the ingredients are here that make drunken frat boys laugh (because that is this films target audience): white people talking like black people, old grannies swearing, fat Asian guys acting silly, Asian whore jokes that are as archaic as the filmmakers sensibilities, and a character names Poon Dong...which pretty much tells you the I.Q. of the people who made this movie.
In possibly the worst scene of the movie (well that's hard to quantify, really, there are so many worthy nominees) Statham and his girlfriend have sex on a horse racing track...in front of everyone...and then scene just keeps going and going, showing multiple sexual positions being used and other stupid gratuitous tactics. The scene goes on forever...it's unreal. Who in the hell thought this was any good?
It's appropriate that the movie ends with its star giving the middle finger to the camera, because that's all this was...a big fuck you to the audience proving that they can make anything they want and people will sit through it. The movie gets a 6.2 on imdb. That shows you the intelligence of most of the people who vote on imdb. The film can barely sit still long enough for you to enjoy it on an ironic level...it makes a Tony Scott movie look like My Dinner With Andre. This is without a doubt the worst movie I have ever seen.
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