BSC #99: Stacey's Broken Heart

A break up book!

The overall plot? It's summer and the Walkers (a family in NYC that lives in Stacey's old building) hire Stacey for a week. They're getting ready for an art show so Stacey keeps their kids out of their hair. Before Stacey goes, she realizes that her boyfriend Robert is hiding something from her--other people see him with another girl and he lies about where he is. She and Claudia try to spy on him but they don't find anything conclusive.

Finally, when Stacey's away, Claudia calls and tells her that she saw Robert kissing Andi Gentile and that they're a couple. Stacey's heartbroken, but she meets Ethan, a boy who's been working for the Walkers and who asks her out. Ethan is a cute artist with long black hair and an earring (that's Sadako speak for hipster in training).

Back home in S-brook, Stacey talks to both Andi and Robert and it ends with tears (as well as Stacey actually wondering if Robert broke up with her because she's a diabetic and he wants a girlfriend he can pig out with over sugar and processed cheese) as well as acceptance and understanding. Boo. Bring on the Brenda Walsh esque "Fuck both of you and everyone you know" speech!

In other non Stacey news, Kristy went on vacation with her family to Hawaii (the same week that Stacey was away), so Abby took over as both treasurer and president. The club works on a Mexican festival to send to some poor orphans. Kristy simmers at the thought of ceding power to Abby. There's some foreshadowing of the tension to come in the book where the club breaks up. And all I'm going to say is that Kristy and Abby need to get a room. Or a gimp closet.

How will Sadako snark this one? By making Stacey into an advice columnist! Since I decided to give Claudia a Project Runway fantasy, I wanted to do something similar for Stacey. She loves clothes and makeup, too, but has no actual talent, so I was thinking of youtube haul videos.

But then I realized that since Stacey's also "a little boy crazy" (read: slutty slut slutterson), she was the perfect girl to go Candace Bushnell meets the Loveline guys. (Though I hold that Claudia fulfilled even the Carrie Bradshaw role better--I'll show you how when I recap Claudia and the Perfect Boy. Well. If I ever find a copy of it.)

Dear Reader,

I'm Stacey M.! I live in Stoneybrook. I have a great life, great friends, and great taste in guys. Need advice? Write to me. I fill out a B cup bikini AND I had a crush on an older man once. There's no love problem too big for me.

Dear Stacey M.,

I'm still in junior high but I'm going with a girl. I'll call her DJ because that's her name. She's really popular with lots of friends. Her uncle, J, is a rock star and her dad, D, is a talk show host, and even though her youngest sister is part troll, my girlfriend is still really awesome. There's a dance next week that she's planned at school and I don't know how to impress her when she's surrounded by all her friends. I was thinking of drinking beer at the dance to try to relax.

-Social Drinker

Dear Social Drinker,

No. No. A thousand times, no! Take it from someone who's watched other people drink for five minutes once. Drinking is NOT the answer. Now, the rest of your problem. I've had experience with that, too. My boyfriend Robert had a TON of friends when we first met him. Fellow basketball players, and cheerleaders who were jealous of me for being so hot. With a little perseverance, I got him to drop most of the sporty types and quit b-ball.

Then that summer, I started hanging out with some of his female friends and they used me to get away with drinking and shoplifting. I stopped being friends with them. He didn't agree to unfriend them, but we hung out with them a lot less, and I shot him dirty looks when he laughed at those sluts' jokes about sneaking into R-rated movies. Two of these frenemies even had the nerve to ask us to play tennis with them. Robert wanted to, but I told him that my mom was at work and we could spend some alone time at my place. So don't give up. Roll your eyes whenever your girlfriend talks about her other friends. Pretend you're tired when she wants to do things with them. It'll pay off in the end!

Dear Stacey M.,

I'm in a titillatingly miscegenatious relationship. My babe, D, says she's been true to me and I love her. But my best friend says she's cheatin' and I saw another guy wearing the chill scarf I gave her. Since I've had my suspicions, I don't even wanna make the beast with two backs with her. She has to have been cheating. Right? What should I do?

-O, or Sleepless in Sophomoric Shakespeare-Land

Dear O,

Thanks for writing! That same thing happened to me. My boyfriend Robert was in the habit of making excuses for why we couldn't hang out. And then a friend told me she saw him with another girl. My friends told me it was probably all a big misunderstanding. That I should talk to him. I bet that you're thinking you should talk to your girlfriend, D, to clear things up, right? Wrong! Spy on her. Follow her around like I did with my guy Robert. I followed him to the movies with my friend Claudia to prove that he was cheating.

Of course, he didn't end up meeting any girls that day, but my friend Claudia and I did get him to pay for our lunch when he saw us. Remember, stalking is a girl (or boy's) best friend. It shows you care. And even if they tell you they're not seeing someone else, they could be lying. Love's really a battlefield!

Dear Stacey M.,

My beau, T, is a choice guy. He's famous, rich, and treats me like royalty. A while ago, I found out he's been cheating. With a skank called R. And one called A. And B. And I'll stop before I run out of letters. Last Christmas, T gave me a gift of about $300 million, but I still don't know if I'm ready to take him back. Can I trust my guy again? Or is it time to give T a time out?

-Scandalized Scandinavian

Dear Scandalized,

Are there promises of gifts to come? Any diamonds? Is he going to buy you an island shaped like a heart? The $300 million is good, and he definitely sounds like a keeper, but I'd hold out a little longer.

I thought my boyfriend Robert was going to break up with me--I kept thinking he was with other girls! But he surprised me the morning of my trip to New York City by buying me flowers, so I knew everything was great. Roses aren't as expensive as what you got, no. But at age thirteen, I knew that if I played by the rules and kept my mouth shut, a shopping trip to Claire's or the Limited Too could be in the works. Which is what I advise you to do. Don't think about what he's done in the past--think about what he can get you in the future.

Dear Stacey M,

I just found out my boyfriend lied to me. We went on a ski trip and he hurt his ankle and couldn't ski. He spent all night talking to this obnoxious freak of a girl. He lied to me about his ankle hurting so he could spend the day with her. Later she kissed him. He told me about the talking but not about the kissing. But I found out when I read a letter she wrote him. I don't know what I should do. This guy means everything to me. He doesn't mind that my parents named me after a canyon in California. He put up with me during my hippie chick phase. And I decided not to move to Pittsburgh with my parents because of him--instead I live with my creepy shut in aunt. Should I never see him again? Call him demanding to know what's up? Spread evil rumors that his little sister was replaced by a cyborg? Help!

-Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered over a Brillo Headed Boy

Dear BBB,

Call him? NO! He's a boy. Boys pick up the phone to dial. Girls pick it up to receive callers. You wouldn't want to chip a butterfly decal off your nail, would you? When I found out my boyfriend Robert was cheating on me with a girl I knew called Andi, I cried. It was awful--how could he have broken it off before I had the chance to replace him?

Then I went out to have dinner with my dad and his girlfriend. But phoning him would have upset the delicate balance of the universe. Girls don't call boys. Ever! I did call him later that night, but when he came to the phone, I couldn't speak. I was so ashamed of myself for breaking one of the cardinal rules of girldom!

Dear Stacey M.,

I just broke up with my boyfriend, D, when he channeled Rick Sanford from Angus at the school dance. D's cute and I've known him for all my life. As kids we'd even sleep in the same bed and every night before I went to bed, he'd tell me I was his soulmate and that no one else would ever love or understand me but him. But I don't think I'm that interested anymore. D's kind of a jerk. He even read my diary and then yelled at me. I'm thinking of dating J, but it's been all of two minutes since I ended things with D. Plus could J ever love someone from the wrong side of the creek?

-Dazed and Creekfused

Dear Dazed,

Don't be so hard on D. He read your diary? Would a boy read your diary if he didn't really care about you? It just means that he obsesses over your every thought! I've never had a guy do anything like that for me. One time on a trip across America I caught my best friend reading my journal--I guess she's really jealous and secretly wants to be me. Most of my friendships with girls end for that reason, actually.

Anyway, I'd say date J but keep stringing D along in case things with J don't work out. I never break up with a guy till I have the next in line ready to date. So just tell D you care about him but you're not ready for him or you need to find yourself or something. If he starts casting his eye about for other girls, play with your hair or pout so he'll still think you're cute. Practice your vulnerable smile in the mirror.

In hindsight, when my boyfriend Robert was dating Andi, I should have known weeks in advance. But I didn't confront him. I kept pretending everything was okay till I found a guy who was older, hotter, and hipper than Robert so I could break it off with him and then tell him he'd been replaced. Plus, I loved seeing the look on Robert's face when I told him that Ethan was way older and more mature. Ethan can grow a soul patch and has great taste--he only wears the finest of Axe products.

Dear Stacey M.,

I had a great summer with my boyfriend, D. He was sweet, kind, sexy, and the country's leading investor in Brylcreem. But when we reconnected in the fall, he was embarrassed for his friends to see me. I know he's a fake and a phony and I never want to lay eyes on him again. But in spite of it all, I'm still hopelessly devoted to him. How can I get over what I'm feeling? How do you deal with it when a guy blows you off?

-Hopelessly Devoted to Him

Dear Hopelessly,

Well, I've never actually been blown off by a guy, to be totally honest. Yes, there was Wesley Ellenburg, the student teacher I seriously crushed on. I decided the age difference wouldn't work out, though. As for my boyfriend, Robert, who I always said broke my heart for the first time? I know he was seeing Andi when I was gone. But after I found out, I was only a little sad. Actually, I was relieved to be honest. Things hadn't been going so well between us now. Now that I think about it, breaking up with him was one of the smartest things I ever did. Thanks, Hopelessly, you've made me feel a lot better! Oh--as for your problem, move on. Get a new hobby. Take salsa lessons. Go scuba diving.

In conclusion, guys, if you have romantic woes, write to Stacey Q. instead. You may not get your problem solved, but you'll learn how to dye your hair that perfect shade of magenta.

I couldn't resist one more letter.

Dear Ms. McGill,

Do you mind if I call you by your last name? I know that when I chanced upon your column in the Penny Saver that you only used your first name, but I couldn't help waiting outside the grocery store till a girl picked up a copy of the paper and started squealing. From there, it was just a matter of following you home and rifling through your mail. Any guy who would dump you is insane. I want to show you how a goddess should be handled: with respect, dignity, and plenty of Jergen's. I'd love to have you over. Picture it. Escargots. Caviar on toast points. Champagne with crazy straws. You don't even have to write back. Just look up and nod if you're interested. What do you say?

Lovingly,

-The Continental

BSC #51: Stacey's Ex-Best Friend

Tag line: "Is Stacey super mature or just a super snob?" Can't she be both, like the late Earl Warren?

In this latest adventure, we get re introduced to Laine. As you guys may recall, Laine's Stacey's New York best friend--with an edge. When Stacey first found out she had the diabetus, Laine was the cutthroat Diana Ross to Stacey's long suffering Flo Ballard. They've made up since, but based on the title of this book, I'm assuming there's trouble in paradise.

Since Laine has time off from school, she tells Stacey she's having trouble deciding between getting felt up by the Limelight bouncer or huffing glue with her boyfriend King on the A train. So Stacey invites Laine to spend the week in Stoneybrook, even though the BSC is still in school. At first, Laine's all, "Darling, I love you but give me the Dakota," but Stacey convinces her to rough it for a while. Laine spends most of the week mocking the Babysitters Club and Stoneybrook. At the Valentine's Day dance at the middle school, she's rude to her date, Pete "Man Whore" Black, and finally she and Stacey have it out. Stacey eventually breaks it off with Laine.

B-plot: the BSC throws a V-Day party for the little kids.

'Round Springfield

Stacey shows Laine around town on their way in -- they've got a train station, a library, a movie theatre, a pizza place. And life is eventful in Stoneybrook. They plan parties for the younger contingency all the time. The gals watch the home shopping network to buy nail polish and ceramic clowns. And one time, Stacey even sore a blimp!

Candace Bushnell in training ain't having it. So Stacey tries to interest Laine in such small town pleasures as leaving a white towel out on the porch to signify to your next door friend that you want to walk to school with them, watching floating plastic bags dance on the horizon, and gambling on which of the Lisbon sisters will off herself next, Cecilia or Lux?

Sleepover party--break out the Mall Madness!

The BSC along with Laine have a slumber party. Laine thinks all their sleepover ideas (makeovers, gossip, stuffing themselves) are hella lame. But soon, the gang settles in to watch "To Kill a Mockingbird"--something they can all agree on. Despite being relatively erudite, my own favorite slumber party material is stuff like The Lost Boys or Grease, so I was kind of curious as to why a bunch of teenage girls would be so fascinated by this Turner Classic.

Stacey: "Gregory Peck is SO cute."

Claudia: "Personally I love the themes of maturation and integrity."

Dawn: "Yeah, but did Scout have to dress up as a ham at the end? Glorifying the use of meat is never cool. Couldn't they have used a tofurky?"

Jessi: "You know, you don't win friends with salad. Sorry, Dawn, this movie always gets me into my kill whitey mode."



The BSC plans the under eleven V-day party. (And no, they didn't take my advice of inviting Eve Ensler as special guest speaker.)

Jessi: "Nicky Pike has a crush on a girl in second grade. And Carolyn Arnold says she has a crush on an older boy."

Mallory: "Matchmaker, matchmaker, make me a match..."

Laine: "Um, they're eight. Is Stoneybrook technically part of Yemen?"

Workin' for the maaan.

Later, Laine scoffs at babysitting and informs the crew that she's going to be working in a real store, earning a real paycheck.

Laine: "I'm working in a boutique."

Kristy: "Your boss has my sympathies." (Zing!)

Sadako: "At thirteen? Seriously? If I hadn't sworn off making American Apparel jokes for Lent, I'd be saying, what is this place, Dov's House of Polyester--oh. Wait."

Girl talk!

Laine: "I'm on a diet. I need to drop five."

Stacey: "Why?"

Laine: "I'm so fat! And my nail beds suck. You should go on a diet, too."

Stacey: "Uh..."

Sadako: "Girls, didn't you get the memo? It's only OK to be thin if you're doing it for ballet or because you love the environment or have the diabetus. The only girls who diet in Ann M. world are girls who go to the mall for fun, chew gum, and babysit for the money instead of the sheer love of kids. Or anorexic side characters who get wished into the cornfield after the first time they pass out."

Party at SMS!

Laine: "Ugh. These refreshments are SO gross. And the portions are so small."

Stacey: "Be nice! Why don't you dance with Pete Black?"

Pete Black: "Yer purty."

Laine: "Yes."

Pete Black: "So, um, the doctor said I wouldn't get so many nosebleeds if I just kept my finger out of my nose."

Laine: "You're standing on my neck. Um, it's time for a binge. I mean purge."

Hot Guy: "You're decent looking. Is that your real nose? OK, I'll dance with you."

Laine: "The neg! My mating call! Hold my Coach bag, bitches! I'm in."

Pete Black: "But I cho-cho-chose you!"

Stacey: [to her date] "Austin?"

Austin: "Leave him be. It'll take time to get over this hurt."

Breaking up is pretty easy to do. (Well, back then you didn't have to wonder about Facebook unfriending etiquette and Twitter unfollowing.)

Stacey screams at Laine for being rude to a boy she's known for less than a week. Then Laine goes back to New York that night. Later, Stacey writes Laine a bitchy letter and sends it to her, along with half of the Claire's bought yin/yang necklace that symbolized both their friendship and the essence of relationships in the 90s.

I quote from Stace's letter: "First of all, I'm sorry about our fight. I'm not apologizing. I don't think the fight was my fault. But I'm sorry we had the fight."

This bodes well for Stacey's future relationships.

Stacey: "I'm sorry for hurling my ceramic clown at your head but I'm not apologizing."

Guy: "Wait, what?"

Stacey: "I'm sorry that it happened, but I'm not sorry. Can't you understand the difference?"

Guy: "No. Is it enough to state that I won't bring home any more toilet paper with pictures of bears on the packaging?"

In conclusion, I decided to present both sides. Laine and Stacey both come off pretty badly. Each sees the other as a caricature of suburban or urban life.

Laine's vision of Stacey.

Stacey: "I bought us matching mumus on the Home Shopping Network. Claud's going to bedazzle them tonight. Told you I was still a city gal at heart! Want to see my collection of stuffed animal cardigans?"

Stacey's vision of Laine

Laine: "I will spend the weekend in this suburban hellhole, but I must have an outlet. If you don't let me mock your small town and the pitiful excuse for a date that is Pete Black, I will go insane and I will take you with me!"

I definitely missed bringing the BSC snark. I think meeting the Lerangis and hearing about all the prequel hooplah has inspired me to return to it. You'll be seeing a lot more of it!

BSC #65: Stacey's Big Crush

Brief Synopsis:

Stacey's fallen for yet another older man. (I make a mental note to tell her mother to get her into therapy now because at the rate she's going, she's going to bring home a mummified Michael Douglas by the time she's in college.) This one's 22 year old Wesley Ellenburg, a student at Stoneybrook Community College's master program (I know...either the best community college in the country or the worst masters program) who's going to be teaching Mr. Zizmore's math class for three weeks. He's really sexy and Stacey falls for him, helping him organize papers after class a couple of times and fantasizing a LOT (t-t-t-teacher's gonna show her how to get an A!). After she writes him a poem and makes an ass out of herself at the school dance, he lets her down and she's heartbroken. And there's a babysitting subplot involving a baby goat!

• The tagline on the book cover reads: "He's smart. He's handsome. He's 22!" Why am I imagining Jessi saying that to Stacey a la Matchmaker from Fiddler on the Roof? (Because they don't let you into Stoneybrook unless you know every song from that musical, including how to do the bottle dance.)

• Stacey thinks that Wesley Ellenburg is a weird name. But then she thinks to herself that when she first heard her math teacher would be Mr. Zizmore, she thought of someone who had too many zits. Like Zit-More. Funny, that's the same thing I thought of when I was riding the subway one day and first saw this guy:

Please, please, PLEASE tell me that Lerangis (this book's ghostwriter) got the idea from this. Every single time I ride the subway, I think of this guy, and I have for years, and I've wanted to tell someone, and I just have to let it out. Lerangis, are you a patient of Dr. Z? You can tell me, I promise I won't laugh. Much.

• Stacey walks into class one morning and thinks Tom Cruise is standing in her classroom and nearly swoons. And I, rereading, also swoon with anticipation because maybe instead of a chapter about math, we'll get a chapter where Tom yells at Brooke Shields for taking psychiatric drugs and hands out free copies of Battlefield Earth (hey, I don't just snark chick lit). But it turns out that the hottie in the classroom is really Wes.

• Now that Stacey's seen Wes, she thinks that Wesley Ellenburg is a noble name. Wesley reminds her of Wesleyan where her dad went to college. (Ooh. Opportunity to make a joke about Stacey having dad issues. No, wait. Too easy.) And Ellenburg makes her think of an old Victorian town. 'Cause the only thing sexier than an old timey colonial town is an old timey Victorian town. But I know why Lerangis put that in--I get the feeling that nothing gets Ann M.'s juices flowing so much as references to old timey things. (Well. That and tea cosy collections.)

• Wes tells the kids to call him Wes. Way to reach out to the rebels without causes, futures, or taste. What next, are you going to sit in a backward chair while talking about how much you love current music, and wear sneakers with a suit and tie? Then Wes says, "'This is something I've always wanted to do. Teaching, I mean--not sweating nervously.'" After that, the girls are practically standing in their desks (no, NOT hurling undergarments--screaming, "O Captain! My Captain!" you pervs). Finally, when one of the class clowns, Irv, puts on a fake accent and pretends not to be able to understand a concept, Wes goes, "'South of France...And not too bad. Can you do German?'" And then the boys are also on their desks. (No, this time they are hurling undergarments. What? He is a Tom Cruise look alike!)

• Stacey takes special pains doing her math homework for Wes. They're word problems and she write out the answers in full sentences. She even puts some jokes in so he won't think she's a total nerd. Yeah, Stacey, no one who manages to make math jokes could possibly be considered nerdy. (Somewhere, Randall Munroe is deciding whether or not to track you down, rip up your little math jokes, and co-opt them for himself.)

• After one class, Wes looks overwhelmed by the paperwork on Mr. Z's desk. Stacey commiserates, and then Wes smiles all charming-like and asks Stacey to stay and help him organize and she's ecstatic. Then Ted Bundy pulled up looking all puppy doggish and Stacey melted and said, okay, she'd help him hide all the heads that have been accumulating in his apartment, but only if he gives her a ride to the next BSC meeting.

• Actually, Stacey is a teensy bit disappointed that old Kotter didn't ask her for anything beyond just staying and helping out. "One step at a time. Let it build. First paper-sorting, then maybe a walk home, then a date for lunch at the mall. Then Acapulco." Cool, then maybe then you introduce him to your friends, you go for a few dates at the Rosebud Cafe, who knows? Few years down the line and you can come visit him at Sing Sing every weekend after the weekly brunch where you, Villi and the other brainwashed statutory rape victims out there petition the state to release your lovers.
  

• The second time round, Wes apparently needs help because Mr. Kingbridge wants Wes's W4 form and he doesn't know where it is. Stacey stays behind to help him yet again. (The fuck? Where the hell is she going to help him find the W4? Down his pants?) Actually, she helps tabulate the grades of the other kids in the class (their names are covered, but can anyone say, inappropriate?) Stacey also learns Wes's social security number and his birthday. Okay, Wes, this sounds like a really great plan. Next let's go throw a tea party and invite Jodie Foster and specify that her plus one is John Hinckley. Honestly, the minute I start teaching How to Avoid Your Stalker 101, Mr. Ellenburg is my first student. (It's a great class. Both I Shot Andy Warhol and Eminem's Stan are on the syllabus--how pop culturally relevant can you get?)

• Stacey thinks that Wes prefers dresses to pants and resolves to wear skirts to school when she has class with him. She also mentally celebrates Wes and her "one week anniversary" after the first week of his student teaching is up. Okay, instead of more snark, can you just picture me doing the Sideshow Bob shudder every time Stacey says or does something boneheaded or stupid? Please? Oh, fine, back to snark.

• The girls seriously talk about the age difference and how much it'll affect the relationship when Stacey's, say, out of college and Wes is...I don't know, shopping for Life Alert. For someone so utterly wholesome, Ann M. Martin is really good at coming up with scenarios that most men usually get on the Internet.

• Stacey mentions that she has a brief fantasy where she and Wes are Heidi and Peter in the Alps. (I'd say that Ann and Lerangis are officially out of touch with the thirteen year old psyche except that I had actual fantasies of a graphic nature involving the protagonists of The Shining and Rosemary's Baby.) Besides, I bet Stacey's not the only BSC member having that kind of fantasy. I bet Jessi is, too, only it's Heidi and Seal at a white trash wedding. Though thinking of Heidi Klum made me rethink my mockery of Stacey. Maybe I'm wrong. Can't lederhosen be sexy?

No. No, it can't. Now I'm off to scrub my brain clean and go fantasize about Captain Von Trapp some more.

• Stacey writes Wes a poem. Oh, the poem. The second stanza reads: "But Fortune moves in strangest ways/It lengthens night, it shortens days./May this night end, and day begin/And bring two young people back again." (Note: the original words in the last verse were, "And bring two lovers back again.") I have a feeling that this poem is the most frightening thing in the world for a male teacher to read from one of his students. Or, well, it would be if Wes were an English teacher and had to explain that "begin" and "again" don't technically rhyme. And this reminds me of my brief but memorable stint at helping underprivileged kids in Harlem back when I was in college. (Yeah...turns out? Photocopying 12 year old girls' love poems to Jay-Z and writing a MSTK line by line snarkmentary of it in the teachers' lounge? Not cool.)
  

• After reading the poem, Wes looks freaked. He starts to shake and cough just like that old man in that book by Nabakov and heads out, mumbling that he has to go read up on the McMartin case go to a staff meeting. Aww. I'd like to take a minute here to say that when I was younger, I felt that way about a teacher, too, and I gave him a poem, only I didn't write it--I copied (as in photocopied) a poem from the library, and it was Sylvia Plath's Daddy, and I got yelled at for plagiarizing such a weird poem and was sent to the counselor's office. Well, as I said, I'd like to say that happened--it would make a great ice breaker at dinner parties.
  

• Charlotte Johanssen has a crush on a boy, too. She tells him how she feels and then he starts following her around, bugging the crap out of her. Stacey sympathizes but thinks to herself that some girls have all the luck, since she isn't getting anywhere with Wes. And you know who else really has all the luck? Jodie Foster's character in The Accused, Ned Beatty in Deliverance, and Indiana Jones in The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I hereby nominate Stacey to be a rape counselor when she gets to high school (hey, if Brenda "Kelly, you ignorant slut" Walsh could, sort of, do it, so can Stacey).
  

• At the dance, Wes is chaperoning. Stacey asks him to dance, and he accepts. Turns out he's a great dancer--"His moves were natural but not super smooth. He had great rhythm but no fancy footwork." Yeah, yeah, he's got Ben Vereen's grace, but in the body of Brad Pitt, and he craps rainbows that taste like ice cream but won't send you into diabetic shock--we get it. Then he asks her for another dance. (Ugh.)
  

• After, Wes wants to sit out the next dance and Stacey says, "'But the next dance might not be so...slow.'" Okay, and that line totally trumps, "Benjamin...will you unzip my dress" in my list of cringe-worthy come ons. Especially since that last one did work. (What? She got her dress unzipped!)

• Then Stacey feels bad because Maverick tells her he's less into the Charlie Blackwood type and more into Goose...or, um, you know, that he doesn't like-like her. But according to Wes, she's a, "'brilliant, talented, attractive girl'" and it's not that he doesn't like her but she's way too young. Oh, Wes, you may be great at breaking up with girls, and I bet back in college (you know, your two year college with a Master's program?), you've got a whole slew of girls whom you've dumped carefully but who still hang around you hoping you'll bestow them the honor of a booty call at a later date, but you really suck at making your boundaries clear to your sort of students. How about not going all Hungry Eyes with girls who have sent you love poems, for starters?

• Sam, Stacey's sort of kind of boyfriend, had asked Stacey to the (middle school) dance because he heard about it from Kristy and thought it would be fun. She told him no, saying that she was already going with another guy ('cause what if Wes asks her to dance!). After Wes lets her down, she sees Sam at the dance with another girl. (I'll remind the reader that Sam is 15 and in high school.) Is there an excised scene where Sam goes speed dating at Stoneybrook's maternity ward?

• I like to imagine there's a touching little scene at the end, reminiscent of one of my favorite TV episodes of all time, where Stacey's walking away and Wes hands her a little note and says this is all she needs to know if she feels bad about herself. And she opens it and it says, "You are Stacey McGill" "Temporary Restraining Order."

• The subplot involves little Elvira. She's a baby goat that lives on a farm (owned by the Stones) in Stoneybrook. (I love that one minute Stoneybrook's a vibrant metropolis with a community dance program that according to Jessi is practically off Broadway, and the next minute we're humming Green Acres and wondering if we accidentally butchered Arnold.) Mr. and Mrs. Stone go out of town for three weeks and leave their pet kid with Mary Anne and Dawn. It's a lot more entertaining than when Dawn's relatives left their daughter Amy. Plus there's a lot more details about Elvira getting loose, eating garbage, and then vomiting it up. (Since this book was written post Jessi and the Awful Secret, I kept waiting for there to be some kind of intervention and a note at the end from Ann M. telling us about how bad bulimia is. But no dice.)

• Speaking of the note from Ann at the end (you know, the note that's always about some experience she had that relates to the book), I was aching to see who it was that Ann was crushing on. Y'know, Lucy or Ethel? Ginger or Mary Anne? Jan or Marcia Marcia Marcia? But no, she just wrote about how she used to teach elementary school and that inspired her to go into children's book publishing and write books for kids.

Ye gods, this was one icky book to reread, and I say that as someone who's read both Teletubbie BDSM themed erotica and Full House slash.

BSC #87: Stacey and the Bad Girls

Brief Synopsis:

Previously on the BSC, Stacey was thrown out/voluntarily left the club. She's way too mature for them anyway, what with her boyfriend and cool new crowd. It's summer now, and she's pretty much spending all her time with a new group of girls that she knows through Robert. The gals come over every day to obsess over their favorite band, U4Me, eat all of Stacey's food, gab. Since Stacey isn't babysitting (BSCopoly, baby), her mom gets annoyed at this decadence and makes Stacey get a job. Eventually she ends up working at Bellairs department store (where her mom works as a buyer) in their daycare. The bad girls take advantage of her (shoplift, make money off her discount, make her wait in line to buy tickets for a U4Me concert) but Stacey's a moron and doesn't mind.

She finally breaks it off with the girls when they sneak alcohol into the concert, get caught, and then hide liquor bottles in Stacey's sweater and refuse to say that she wasn't drinking. Security calls their parents (no po-po's? drag) and Stacey's friendship with the bad girls is over.

Meanwhile, Dawn's mother gets a call from some relatives who say that they need the Schafer-Spiers to take care of their six year old daughter (Dawn's cousin), Amy, for three weeks while they go to England. Amy has never met them before, so she's pretty traumitized and at one point tries to run away to find her parents. She ends up at the Bellairs daycare (I have no idea how). Stacey knows what's going on in BSC world even though she hates everyone (she and Claudia still talk on the phone and apparently Claudia gives her blow by blow details of everyone's lives) so she figures out who this little girl is. She calls up Mary Anne and Dawn and is all, "If you seek Amy..." and they come get her. After the fallout with the bad girls, Stacey asks to rejoin and they let her in on a "trial basis," and the fact that she called Dawn and MA about Amy (as opposed to selling her into white slavery? seriously, what else was she going to do?) works in her favor.

• To have this ghostwritten, Ann M. had to bring in the big guns: Peter Lerangis, yo. Ellen Miles and Suzanne Weyn can handle the "ohhh cute baby!" or "aw, let's help an old person" plots. But when it comes to the tough stuff, like making out with your sort of boyfriend or alcohol, it was all about the Lerangis.

• From the back cover synopsis: "These girls are fun. A little wild even. But Stacey's not sure how much she can trust them...until it is too late." What's with the lack of contractions in that last sentence--was Karen Brewer writing copy for you guys? And what do you mean, too late? Nothing really happens to her other than the security people calling her mom. They make it sound like Stacey ends up face down over a barrel while the bad girls take a knife to her perm.

• Gotta love the cover. The bad girls are standing on their chairs, so you know they're too cool for school. Though there are only three bad girls (did girl number four get lost on her way to Lilith Fair?) and they look a lot more likely to be throwing their bras at Ani DiFranco than at Eddie Vedder if you get my meaning.

• The cover's tagline says: What would the BSC think of her now? Well, let's see.

Kristy: *chomping on a cigar* "Why weren't you babysitting? This is our busiest time of the year--the Pikes would love to go to a rock concert." *chomp chomp* "Mallory, get yer ass to the Arnolds' house, Claud, we're gonna need you at the Braddocks at five, let's hustle, people."

Mary Anne: "Stacey, you know we still care about you, right?" (Thinking: Someone doesn't look so developed or sophisticated in her baggy oversized purple sweater.) I love passive aggressive MA!

Claudia: "WHY am I still friends with you? Oh yeah, no one actually likes Kristy, tofu sucks, I'm beyond gushing over cute Lisa Frank stickers with Mary Anne, I can't hang out with eleven year olds, and the BSC alienated the one artsy, non-babysitter friend I had."

Dawn: "Your new friends did WHAT? They ate a SLIM JIM on the way to the concert? Do you know how many baby cows had to die so your friends could have a good time?"

• So who are the bad girls? Well, Stacey knows them through Andi Gentile. Andi's "normal-looking." Andi's not a bad girl--she goes away for the summer, so we don't see her again (till she steals Stacey's man in Stacey's Broken Heart). And in Stacey vs. the BSC, it's revealed that she modeled briefly as a baby. No, I'm not making this up. As for the other girls, they have distinct looks but none of them has a single personality trait between the lot of them. First there's Sheila, who's a blonde cheerleader. You may remember her from such plot lines as Stacey wants to become a cheerleader but can't because everyone's mad jealous of how awesome she is.

Then there's Jacqui who's a redhead with a green streak, a nose ring, and alabaster skin. So she's Deb from Empire Records before she Delilahs herself.

Mia wears black clothing and lipstick.

Heather has short brown hair and "loves the grunge look."

Incidentally, one of these things is not like the others! (Hint: I don't mean Stacey.)

Below, Stacey. "Look, guys, I can be grunge, too!"

• Since Stacey's friends come over and sponge off her every day, Mrs. McGill thinks it's time Stacey got a job. She does some searching and finds a modeling agency, no experience necessary. Since people are always telling Stacey she could model, she figures she can just walk in and start modeling, no biggie. My favorite part is when Stacey walks in to see three other girls accompanied by their mothers, all with portfolios and great outfits on. Stacey feels like a toad in her sundress. (As well she should. I learned from watching MTV's Made that all you need to wear on a go-see is jeans, a casual shirt, and a super high pair of heels.) The man and woman at the agency discuss her. The guy says, "'I see her as girl-next-door, household product, lawn care, possibly snack food.'" Tyra frowns, saying, "Yes, but America's Next Top Model has to be more than that--she has to be international, commercial, she has to be ready to walk down a runway one moment, be a Covergirl spokesmodel the next, and still have time to stick her fingers down her throat--Mr. J's not going to do it for you at this stage of the game." I mean, she says something like, don't call us, we'll call you.

• Then Stacey's mom gets her the Bellairs' daycare job. Now that Stacey's working at Bellairs', she and her friends are spending a lot more time shopping after she gets off work. My favorite moment is when Stacey's in a store with her friends and she notices one of her mother's co-workers frowning over a group of wayward looking high schoolers (possibly with earrings, goatees, and bad attitudes). Stacey smiles knowingly: "I knew that store managers often keep their eyes on suspicious-acting people and gangs of teens. When I turned back around, my friends were gone." That Stacey. She's a savvy one! Tell us again how you and Laine were the Blair Waldorf and Serena van der Woodsen of your day.

• Later, Stacey's friends ask her to buy them stuff with her 10% employee discount. Stacey gets all weird about this because she doesn't think it's kosher and she's afraid her mom will find out. (I'm not sure why--this is fairly common.) They buy really expensive stuff, like a silk bathrobe, full length calfskin gloves, and a straw hat with an ostrich feather. Stacey's embarrassed to be seen buying this stuff. Shut up, Stacey, I'm about to ask my brother to buy a graphic novel about sexual abuse with his B&N discount, so don't look so put upon. [If you're reading this...yes, yes, I do want it.] So the gals decide to return the merchandise for FULL PRICE. DUM DUM DUM. Stacey looks horrified. Okay, this is child's play. Freaks and Geeks' Kim Kelly games the system by putting an expensive price sticker on an inexpensive item, shoplifting it, then returning it to get full price.

• Oh, since Stacey is working at Bellairs' daycare, we also have to deal with childcare that involves kids we don't even know. And since I know why you guys are really here, I'm not even going to bother recapping the face painting or the argument over toy trains. Enough daycare, more shoplifting and booze!

• Tickets go on sale for the U4Me concert in Stamford. Stacey stands in line with the bad girls to buy tickets. Goddammit, I'm so sick of calling them the bad girls, but I hate writing out all their names. One by one, each of the girls makes some excuse about wanting to take a break, and each hands Stacey some cash and asks her to buy her a ticket if she's not back in time. She's pissed but gets over it. So, you're cool with being their serving wench, are ye?

• Stacey's mom used to be a huge Beatles fan. She starts mocking Stacey and the girls for throwing their figurative panties at U4Me, until Stacey reminds her of how she used to call herself Paula. Don't laugh, Stacey. Maureen "Stacey's mom has got it goin' on" McGill is at least a Regulation-B hottie. And she's got both her legs, so she's got that going for her. I bet she has more of a chance with Sir Paul than you ever did with Wes.

• I get the feeling that Lerangis can't tell the difference between grunge and boy band. Most guys seem to hate U4Me (like Robert) and all the girls love them. Then again, most of these girls seem into grunge bands. But they're called U4Me. Using pre-L33t speak is definitely a sign of boy bands (see also *NSYNC). So I guess U4Me is what happens when Kurt Cobain takes the happy pills, sells out, and strikes up a deal with Beelzebub, aka Lou Pearlman.

• Skyllo, the lead singer of U4Me, descends from the rafters midway through U4ME's first song in a cloud of smoke. Am I the only one picturing Uncle Jesse in his Vulture incarnation? If I were at this concert, I think I'd also need a flask to get through this.

• On to the booze! As the bottles come out, Stacey thinks, "Maybe I'm just dense. Or naive...But for a teensy moment, I thought Sheila had smuggled in a bottle of cough syrup." They're suburban kids in Connecticut, Stacey. Not Utah Mormon kids trying to get around their crazy religion's ban on alcohol. Anyway, you can't get loaded on cough syrup these days--the FDA has really cracked down. Try NyQuil.

• At the concert, Stacey starts to think that the other girls look cool with their tiny bottles of liquor and that she looks square by comparison. When did this book become Grease and when did the Bad Girls morph into the Pink Ladies? From reading Stacey and the Cheerleaders, I thought that most of Robert's friends were sports goons and their bimbettes. At the concert, the girls start to get rowdy and throw candy wrappers (ooh).

• The security guards come and whisk Stacey and her friends off to Room 101 to be lectured as Skyllo (how the fuck do you pronounce it anyway? Skill Low? sounds about right) pumps up his amp to eleven. Stacey is shocked, SHOCKED, that her friends sell her out and refuse to say that she wasn't drinking. So, they eat all your food, take advantage of your employee discount, make you stand in line for hours to buy tickets, and you're surprised that they're trying to pin this on you?

• I think the lesson of this book is that alcohol is bad because it'll get you in trouble. What kind of message is that? Alcohol is bad because it's EVIL (until you turn 21). The responsible TV producers at Saved by the Bell taught us that a sip of beer will get you in a three car pile up. Two drinks will make you take a swing at Alex P. Keaton and that's never cool even if he is spouting Limbaugh esque right wing screed (Uncle Ned, no!). And if you're a chick, the minute you take a drink and an unfamiliar male character enters the screen, your virtue will be compromised. At the very least, you'll say horrible things about the people you love, which will usually be the highlight of the entire TV season to the long suffering audience, but will result in all your friends and loved ones looking at you as if you just raped a baby goat (Dawson Leary and Shawn Hunter, take a bow!). In this book, the drunk gals get a little rowdy but there's no coma from drinking, no "I'll NEVER drink again" hangover, no vomiting in the toilet all night, no older men trying to take advantage of their drunkenness with, "You know, I knew Axl before he was famous." "Uh, you mean SKYLLO?" "Uh, right, Skyllo--wanna make out?" Nothing juicy.

• About Amy. I don't think it's necessarily evil to leave your kids with strangers for three weeks when they're six, but it's pretty fucked up. On the bright side, we don't get a cute scene where Amy learns to love Dawn and MA and the other BSC members. It's pretty much just non-stop crying. Hey, if I had to live in a house with that much tofu and faux-fu, and where there were hissing sounds every time I picked up a burger, I'd cry, too! In fact, that pretty much sums up my first year of college. (Damned vegan dorm.)

• At the end, Stacey and Robert talk about Sheila, Jacqui, Mia and Heather. Robert says Stacey was right and that he'll back her up. Stacey feels a little better but notes that Robert doesn't say he'll stop hanging out with that group of friends. (He wasn't really close friends with those girls to begin with, but he is friends with the guys, a lot of whom date these girls.) To which I say, shut it, Yoko, he already quit basketball for you.

• Stacey makes a list of the attributes a friend should have. They include things like being a good listener, being funny, caring, smart, cool, a sharp dresser, and being a good shopper. None of her bad girl friends had a single one of those traits (but Jacqui, aka Deb from Empire Records, had a rhinestone nosering and a floppy Blossom hat!). She thinks that even though none of the BSC members individually have all these traits, together they do. Wow, this book is a ringing endorsement for BSC love. The BSC: when everyone else around you sucks or hates you. So Stacey basically calls up Claudia and whines, "My new friends turned out to be manipulative bitches, and even though I'm still more mature than everyone else, I don't want to eat alone at lunch this year, so I'm rejoining, but I'm still better than you, kthnxbai."

• How is it that it was summer in book #76 when Stacey and Robert went to Fire Island, it's summer again 11 books later, and then right before book #100 it's summer yet AGAIN when they go to Hawaii? I know we're in a time warp, but c'mon, THREE summer vacations in less than thirty books? I asked Ann M. Martin about this at the last Book Expo when she was there signing copies of a new book two years ago.

Ann M.: "Um, well...you see...whenever something like that happens, uh...um..."

Me: "A wizard did it? Are we to believe that this is some sort of magical summer vacation? I hope some ghostwriter got fired over this!"

Ann M.: "Um, would you guys like to see some pictures of my cat, Mouse, on his last birthday? Let me just go out to my car..."

And that was the last we heard of her. I had to walk home through a throng of irate fans, covered in tomatoes and my best friend wouldn't even look at me. (I'm barred from saying anything to Julie Andrews at the next Book Expo we attend.)

BSC Mystery #1: Stacey and the Missing Ring

Oh, youth. I had great memories of this book as a child, mainly because it came in a four pack with three other mysteries (Beware Dawn, Mallory and the Ghost Cat and Kristy and the Missing Child). It wasn't very good, but this was the first one, and I had a soft spot for it. Note the key word in that sentence--had a soft spot for it. This book starts off with Stacey deciding that she wants a diamond ring because her birthstone is a diamond. Her mother doesn't ream her ass out for asking (damnit, Maureen, THIS is why she's a spoiled bitch) but tells Stacey she won't buy her the ring. Fast forward a few pages and Stacey ends up with a sitting job for this new family, the Gardellas. They have a seven month old baby, Tara, a dog (Bird) and a cat (Mouse). The G's are rich--Mrs. Gardella sports a buttload of diamonds before she leaves the house. Stacey sits for the baby and animals, and it's uneventful.

So the next day, Mrs. Gardella calls Stacey. Last night before Stacey came over, Mrs. G put her diamond ring on the dresser because she meant to wear it with her outfit, but forgot. This morning, the ring is gone, and they think Stacey took it. The Gardellas don't want to hire any of the BSC to sit and are planning on telling the rest of the neighborhood about the incident. Everyone's totally upset because god forbid they not babysit. No one's calling the BSC and the gang is desperate to clear their good name.

Finally, Stacey decides she'll babysit for the Gardellas until the ring is paid off (so, pretty much until she's thirty, right?). Mrs. G is okay with that as long as another sitter comes along to supervise the first time, so Kristy comes with Stacey. Turns out the cat, Mouse, has a habit of hiding assorted objects in odd places, and he took it and hid it under a rug. Mrs. G. apologizes and then it turns out she didn't tell anyone else about the incident because she didn't have time (she told the Prezziosos but that's it). And business was slow because people just didn't need babysitting services for mundane reasons (family trips, etc.). Some parents like spending time with their kids. Deal with it, bitches.

• In the first chapter, Stacey and her mom clean while sweating to the oldies. Stacey says she loves old music like "Shake It Up Baby" and "Pretty Woman." Nice, except I think you mean "Twist and Shout" and "Oh, Pretty Woman." Well, can't be too hard on Ann M.--I think "Michael, Row the Boat Ashore" and "Kumbaiyah" were more her speed. Then Mrs. McGill starts reminiscing and digs out her old photo album to show off her Sweet Sixteen pictures. Stacey giggles over her mother's beehive hairdo. Oh, Stacey, we're trying to butter your mom up so she'll buy you that rock! Second, not everyone looks hideous in a beehive:

• Anyway, Stacey drops the diamond bomb, saying, "'I love my birthday, too...since my birthday has always had such a special meaning for me, I was wondering if you might like to help me buy this ring I saw at Stoneybrook Jeweler's.'" Wait, your birthday has a special meaning for you? Do you mark the occasion with friends and cake? That's unusual in American culture. Most people don't even know when they were born. Also, is it just me, or does Stacey sound like some Internet scam artist? "Hello, I'm from Nigeria, and I was wondering if you'd like to help me with a special, limited, once in a lifetime offer!"

• Her mother's response is that her birthday is months away. Stacey replies, "'I know. And I didn't mean that the ring would be a birthday present. See, it's a birthstone ring...and it would be so - so meaningful for me.'" Wait, what? You want your single mother to shell out for a diamond ring and then also shower you with gifts several months later on your birthday?
  

• When her mom refuses to buy her the ring, Stacey's response is, "'Dad would buy it for me.'" Good God. Were I Mrs. McGill, my response would be, "That's it. We're mailing you to Abu Dhabi--er, West Africa. You want diamonds so much, you can mine for them yourself in Liberia." But Mrs. McGill just gets sad and says that Stacey's probably right about Mr. McGill.
  

• So, after her mom tells her no, no, no, no no no no no (see? I can sweat to the oldies, too, damnit), Stacey gets pissed off and decides to go hang out with her friends. Stacey, withholding affection when someone won't buy you something only works when that person's shagging you. At the mall, she complains to her friends about how cruel her mother is. The other girls tactfully point out that by asking for a diamond ring, Stacey's well on her way to earning her chutzpah badge. My reimagining of how that scene SHOULD have gone:

Stacey: "My mom won't buy me the ring! Don't you guys think I have the worst parents ever?"

Kristy: "I haven't seen my biological dad since I was seven."

Mary Anne: "My mom died when I was a baby and till I was twelve, my dad dressed me in styles that made Laura Ingalls look like a hobag."

Claudia: "My mom found a Milky Way under my mattress and used Chinese Water Torture on me for five hours last night."

Mallory: "I sleep in a drawer!"

Stacey: "But my mom won't buy me a ring! And when I was seven, my parents only bought me the small Malibu Barbie Dream House!"

• Mallory says that she'd never even think of asking her parents for a diamond ring. Oh, but asking for a nose job isn't presumptuous at all? No, wait, that was harsh. Poor Mallory needs all the help she can get in that department.

• Next. Stacey meets Mrs. Gardella, a client who apparently never met a diamond she didn't like. She's wearing a velvet dress and velvet shoes (this woman would be a perfect match for George "I would drape myself in velvet if it were socially acceptable" Costanza) diamond necklace, diamond earrings and diamond hair clip. (Hair clip, really?) Stacey gushes over Mrs. G who smiles and says she was thinking of wearing her diamond toe ring, her diamond studded belt, her diamond nose ring, and her diamond tiara, but that would be a bit much, wouldn't it? Aww, Stacey's found a role model. In the meanwhile, I wonder how many of Dr. Joan Bushwell's chimps had to die harvesting diamonds in the mines for Mrs. Gardella to get all her jewels.

• Stacey thinks to herself that Mrs. Gardella seems nice and even though she's rich, she's just like anyone else. While Stacey starts humming If I Were a Rich Man (since, you know, every Stoneybrookite is required to have the soundtrack to Fiddler on the Roof memorized), I feel the urge to point out that a girl who used to attend a Manhattan private school, whose father lives in an upper east side apartment in walking distance of Bloomingdale's, and who regularly dines out and attends Broadway shows is most definitely not one of the simple folk.

• The Gardellas are super obsessive about their animals. Bird eats hamburger with rice and Mouse gets chicken livers. Bird eats off a dish on a little Oriental rug and Mouse eats ON the table along with the family. Eating at the same table as an animal whose paws are regularly in contact with kitty litter. Now that's what I call hygienic. Mrs. Gardella, ever heard of toxoplasmosis? It's a little parasite found in cat excrement that can go to your brain and make you go batshit insane. Oh, wait. Never mind.

• This animal stuff would be cute except the "About the Author" section in EVERY BSC book has a detail about Ann M. Martin having a cat named Mouse and no children. You guys know that this is the ghostwriter paying homage to Ann M. Martin bathing her infant surrogate, dressing it in baby outfits, making it wear a bib when it eats, and then burping it, right? (Okay, I know I'm not allowed to make fun. I do the same thing except the animals in my situation are plush.)

• Stacey's depressed one evening so her mom tries to cheer her up by suggesting they both watch a movie together. Mother McGill proposes It's a Wonderful Life which Stacey vetoes, saying, "'I can't say I agree with that these days.'" Your life sucks because some loon accused you of having sticky fingers, you're spending less time changing diapers, and your parents won't buy you a diamond ring? Yeah, you're really out on the ledge with George Bailey. Please, can I spray paint "I SUPPORT BLOOD DIAMONDS :) :) :)" on her back and send her through an ultra liberal campus?

• At one point, Claudia goes over to Stacey's house to hang out and starts rifling through her things, looking for (you guessed it) the diamond ring. Way to be subtle--I see those Nancy Drew books have really helped. You don't go through her room when she's right there, moron. Put a diet label on one of her Cokes, wait for her blood sugar level to spike and when she's half conscious, THEN ransack the place for stolen goods.

• So, Stacey has offered to babysit for free. She and Kristy go to the Gardellas. The Gardellas say they hope that this works out and that maybe after this little business of Stacey paying off the ring is over, she can sit for them again. (You mean when she's in college?) Mrs. G heads out, presumably to go rehearse Diamonds are a Cat Lover's Best Friend for the Stoneybrook All Singing All Dancing Revue. Kristy wants to give baby Tara her bottle because, "'[she hasn't] taken care of a baby in awhile, and [she misses] it.'" Those are words that should be spoken by a first time grandmother who hasn't held a baby in years, not a thirteen year old girl who was probably thrown out of a hospital maternity ward for smelling the babies' hair this morning. (Also, your sister Emily Michelle is only two, Kristy. Two. What, did she stop being cute? They go stale after twenty four months, like Twinkies? That's not what you said in Kristy and the Baby Parade!)

• One detail I found particularly grating was at the end. Mary Anne goes through the record book and sees a note saying that the Barretts were out of town on vacation and that's why they haven't called. (Ha! MA made a mistake. Sort of.) But mostly it just pisses me off that they keep tabs on their clients.

• At the end, Claudia makes Stacey a present to make up for suspecting her (it's an earcuff). Then Stacey tells the gang that she might get the ring after all because her parents talked about going in for it together for her birthday or Christmas. Goddamnit, Mr. and Mrs. MGill! Rules, boundaries and limitations! One, call in Cesar Milan. Two, think twice before you sing your child, "Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring." Three, she's thirteen and it's the early 90s. This is more her speed:

In conclusion, diamonds will make everything all right! Diamonds! Diamonds!

BSC #76: Stacey's Lie

Brief Synopsis:

This was one of the books I never got around to reading when I was younger, but I remember looking at the title and the cover and thinking, "Ooh. Scintillating." Well, I would have had I known that word. Stacey's workaholic father, Ed McGill, wants to spend some quality time with his daughter, so he tells her she can pick any vacation spot she wants this summer, and that she can invite along Claudia. She picks Fire Island because her boyfriend, Robert, is going to be working on the ferry there this summer and this way they can spend time together. The only problem is that she doesn't tell anyone. Claudia finds out when they get there. She's not happy about it, but she deals with it. But Stacey ends up ditching her to hang with her man for most of the vacation and eventually Claudia gets pissed when Stacey keeps putting her second.

Then Stacey's dad finds out and she's in major hot water. But it also turns out that Mr. McGill brought along a secret girlfriend who was renting a house of her own, named Samantha. Stacey and her dad have a long talk, etc., and then Stacey apologizes to everyone and they accept it (why? I have no idea).

Subplot involves Mallory "Don't waste an A-plot on me" Pike and Jessi "Black is nothing short of drop dead gorgeous, muthafucka" Ramsey as camp counselors in training (didn't we already do this plot, like five times over?). Two of their campers, Haley and Vanessa, wear the same swimsuit on the first day and then get into a huge fight, so it's up to Mal and Jessi to patch things up (yeah, you know they do).

• If you're wondering if this is the book where Ed McGill is busy working and then hands Stacey some cash and tells her to go pick out something pretty to wear to dinner that night, you're right. It is. And no, I haven't stopped shuddering, thanks for asking.

• Stacey and her dad eat dinner at a fancy restaurant the night her dad tells her about the vacation plans. Stacey orders shrimp cocktail (sans sauce--don't forget, she's got the diabeetus) and snapper, her dad orders steak au poivre. [Side note: every time I order shrimp cocktail, I get to hear a lecture about how phenomenonally overpriced it is.] They're at the Lion's Lair, a totally fictional restaurant...and I got bored midway through reading, so I decided to fill in what I believe the characters were really thinking. Ed: Goddamnit, I did not bill a client for 16,242 hours last year so she can order the most expensive waste on the menu, and on top of that, I still have to pay alimony AND child support? Screw it. Next time it's Applebee's or nothing. Stacey: Oh, I love the Lion's Lair! I wonder if my hair looks fluffy enough today. But not too fluffy. Maybe I should get it layered?

• When Claudia finds out that Stacey lied about Robert being at Fire Island, she storms off and Stacey goes to calm her down. Stacey thinks it's really cool that Robert takes off, but then comes back a few minutes later asking her if everything's okay, because it shows that he can give her her space, but still backs her up when she needs it. No, actually, Stacey, it means that Robert is so spacey that if you guys ever go to Times Square together, you'll need to invest in one of those toddler leashes.

• Stacey's reasoning for lying to Claudia was that Claudia wouldn't have come if she'd known the vacation was an excuse to see Robert. She's all, "See? I had to lie!" So it's okay to lie if it's to get what you want. With your high math skills, Stacey, if Enron hadn't gone under, you'd have a cushy executive job (if you ever get out of the eighth grade, that is).

• So after a few days, Claudia's getting annoyed at being the fifth wheel. [Yes, you fans of Television Without Pity will note that I used the phrase correctly--FIFTH wheel, not third.] Seriously, Stacey says stuff like how she could ditch Claudia at the beach to go see Robert, but at night she HAD to take her along or her dad would be suspicious. So Claudia complains one afternoon while she and Stacey are waiting for Robert to get in from the last ferry ride, and then Stacey tries to make Claudia feel better by inviting her to have lunch with them. Which means that originally Stacey was planning on having lunch with Robert alone, and telling Claudia to just vamoose? Um, Claudia, WHY are you still friends with her? You deserve some kind of medal in self control for not letting it spill to Robert that oh by the way, Ms. Uber Sophisticated peed herself at a slumber party in New York back before she knew she had the diabetus. If I were you, every time Stacey dropped a hint about being left alone with Robert, I'd be all, "I don't know. That DEPENDS." Yeah, Claudia was more mature at thirteen than I am now.

• Stacey says that her room at her father's Upper East Side digs is kind of small, but that's okay since she spends so little time there. Okay, sorry, now I have to add in what her dad would say. I worked through Christmas AND Thanksgiving last year to afford a two bedroom upper east side doorman building on top of keeping you and the baby mama in luxury, and the fucking room's too small? Okay, you're relegated to the closet, wench--Samantha and I need a new love dungeon.

• Even Stacey's dad gives her the silent treatment when he finds out that she lied to him. Harsh, but awesome. And a long time coming. Okay, Ed, now pull an Alec Baldwin and leave an angry phone message telling her she's a selfish little pig the next time she refuses to come to New York and visit you. Go burn down, burn down Bloomingdale's. And then give her an ultimatum: you're tired of being her cash cow and she has to choose between her insulin shots and her monthly perms. (God, I'd kill to see the look on her face.)

• I think this is the time when I'm supposed to psychoanalyze the main character and conclude that she latches onto anything with a Y chromosome because her dad never gives her enough attention (the divorce, him working such long hours). But I hate Stacey with such a flaming passion that I can't really blame Ed for making up so many excuses to avoid spending time with her.

• You know, Claudia's imaginative, funny, an interesting dresser, artsy, smart--well, artsy, and she's got a lot going for her. Why are she and Stacey still friends? What really sets Stacey apart from the other BSC members? We've already got a blonde member (Dawn) and a member who's into guys and clothes/make-up (Claud). The only things that really makes Stacey unique are that she's good at math and from a vibrant metropolis (I forget which one. New...Brunswick?). Oh, and the fact that she occasionally channels the spirit of Wilford Brimley.

• Shannon doesn't seem to have a BFF, so, Claudia, if you must attach yourself to someone at the hip, pick her. You'll still have a fashionable, blonde girl around, so it's not like things will change all that much (and honestly, weren't those Stacey's two main selling points?). Plus, you won't have to worry about her throwing a tantrum if someone else has the nerve to order sugary fudge or non-diet cola. (Sure, Stacey always says she's fine with the sugarfree alternative, but I bet she's pouting the whole time.)

• Stacey writes a letter to Jessi saying that she's looking forward to seeing her and Mallory when she gets back. And that's where you know she's desperate because little Miss Can't Be Nonbitchy has no other friends that haven't already been alienated. Seriously, when else does Stacey ever speak to those two unless she either wants dance lessons and/or a dose of white guilt (from Jessi) or a feeling of superiority on those days when she's got either a bad hair day or a zit or something (from Mal).

• Speaking of Mal, Jessi, and their recycled non-plot, since when do nine year olds care about wearing the same outfit? This is almost as believable as the Hobart boys wanting to look nice for their "dates" in that Valentine's Day book. And it's a hella ugly bathing suit anyway--a red and white striped suit with a ruffle along the neckline (the fuck?). Never was so much fuss made over a bathing suit about which I cared so little. Except for possibly that weird ass bathing suit that wasn't really a bathing suit on season one of Project Runway. You know, the one that Kevin designed, and that Morgan wore to go out partying in, and it got ruined and then he almost lost the challenge, but luckily Alexandra's sucked even more? I miss Project Runway. Where was I? Oh yeah. Ruffles on swim suits make me retch. Neither Haley nor Vanessa is even remotely fierce enough to pull off this outfit. Now, Becca Ramsey, MAYBE, but these two biyatches are only slightly less annoying than Karen Brewer.

• Claudia enters herself, along with Stacey, Kristy, Shannon and Mary Anne (the other three girls are up visiting for a weekend) in a parade, with a royal theme (prince, princess, jester, and so forth). Stacey has to be the dragon because they're all pissed at her. Why couldn't you guys always make her dress up as a dragon? Although honestly, dragons are kind of cute. Make her dress up as a used tampon instead.

• During the vacation, Claudia spent most of her time building and photographing elaborate sand castles. Her photographs end up selling for a lot of money, and at the end, Stacey brings her the cash she earned and then apologizes. Claudia says that the money will pay for new art supplies, Nancy Drew books, and chips, and Stacey asks if that's all she needs to be happy, looking all contrite and ready to make up. I would have said, "No, I also require Devil Dogs, a buttload of dresses from H&M and the complete Sopranos on DVD and if you provide me with those things, I might consider one day speaking to you." But Claudia's all, "I need a best friend!" and they make up and say they'll never let a guy come between them. Hmmm. Until Jeremy of BSC Best Friends Forever! I was kind of hoping Claudia would request to see Stacey down eighty Pixy Stix before she made up, but either she's a better person than I am, or Ann M. Martin caught that in one of the early drafts. Revenge may be a dish best served cold, but I guess it's too spicy for Ann M. (Now, if it were a dish of cold, bland, plain old vanilla ice cream...)

BSC #83: Stacey vs. the BSC

Brief Synopsis:

Stacey’s getting fed up with the BSC. Other than Claudia, the other girls seem way too immature for her, especially since Stacey’s been spending more time with her beau, Robert, and his mature friends. She’s also late to meetings and cancels her sitting jobs. This culminates in her throwing a party for her new friends that she decides not to invite the BSC to (except for Claud). Dawn and MA show up at the party to yell at her for not inviting them. The B plot involves the BSC having a talent show. Charlotte Johanssen plans to play the piano at the show, but freaks out when Stacey flakes and doesn’t come to support her. At the next club meeting, the girls all fight and Stacey ends up leaving the club.

• You think that the girls would realize by now that Charlotte Johanssen is incapable of public performance after the meltdown at the Little Miss Stoneybrook pageant. Considering how well Stacey knows Charlotte and the fact that Stacey isn’t all that interested in the BSC’s little projects, I have no idea why she encouraged her to play in the talent show in the first place.

• Stacey inwardly groans when she sees Mary Anne wearing an “I Love My Kitty” sticker on her backpack. Hey, you know, dress up MA in a short plaid skirt and her old penny loafers, with said cutesy sticker, and she’d fit in just great in a Max Hardcore video. I almost agreed with Stacey, though, for rolling her eyes when MA said that she and Stacey were still “bestest friends.” But then I remembered that I sometimes turn my r’s into w’s for comedic effect. Plus, the lolcats regularly misuse grammar and they’re way more popular than you’ll ever be, Stacey.

• Someone was paying attention to continuity. When the other members of the BSC are at the burger place where Stacey and her friends are also eating dinner, Carlos Mendez walks in. Mary Anne, Dawn and Kristy all start giggling. In Mary Anne’s Makeover, there are rumors that Carlos, a high school guy, has asked MA to a dance. Thirteen year olds spazzing out about a cute high school boy that one of them was vaguely associated with? Realistic thirteen year old behavior for once! At the same time, Dawn has been on a date with an older guy herself and Kristy up until now has never been interested in giggling over boys (or anything, for that matter), so they do seem pretty immature compared with previous books.

• Yeah, Dawn’s that annoying vegetarian you can’t take anywhere. She actually refers to meat as “cow carcasses.” Hey Dawn, you don’t win friends with salad.

• Stacey thinks it’s immature that Kristy’s wearing mismatched socks and an old Krushers sweatshirt. When you guys get to college and have 9 AM classes, Kristy in her old clothes is going to fit in way better than the girl in a sexy dress and pumps. (I should know. I was the latter.)

• Stacey refers to Dawn as “Nanook of the North” for wearing a long scarf and heavy coat when she leaves Pizza Express. As lame as Dawn is, I think this is the one time Stacey was wrong to criticize her. What, you want she should freeze on her way back from eating cow carcasses?

• Stacey thinks her new friends are so considerate for bringing sugarless cookies to her party and asks herself how many friends would be nice enough to do that. Um, you know Claudia did that on a pretty much weekly basis for you, right?

• When Stacey sits for the Newton kids, she stays on the phone with Robert and basically ignores Jamie, not realizing he’s got a stomach bug. Dumb, but you know, I’m surprised this doesn’t happen more often, considering they’re only thirteen.

• Why is Ann M. so obsessed with little kids who model? One of Stacey’s new friends, Andie, mentions that she was a baby model and that her parents put the money she earned away for her college fund. Plus, in another book, Stacey makes an attempt at professional modeling when her mom makes her get a summer job (she also constantly reminds us that people tell her she could model but that she doesn’t want to skate by on her looks). And Dawn apparently was so cute that she won a cutest baby contest. I don’t know why, but it kind of makes my skin crawl. Maybe because we live in a world where this is possible:

Continuity Alert

Stacey tells us she spent some time with Robert on Fire Island. No, you selfish little pig, as my astute fellow BSC fans have noted, you practically shacked up with him. You “spent some time” with Claudia.

Stacey muses about her old best friend, Laine Cummings. She thinks that she may be outgrowing the BSC, just as she outgrew her friendship with Laine. Hmm. Laine obsessed over her boyfriend, thought that the babysitting was immature and mocked Stacey’s pig collection. Yeah, you’re the one who outgrew her, Anastasia.

Assessment of the BSC Members

Stacey’s a real bitch to the other members, but I can see why she wouldn’t want to hang out with them. Kristy’s also surprisingly immature, but I mostly hate her for being such a fascist about the club and for freaking out every time someone puts the BSC second in their life. Her childishness (sticking straws up her nose?!) is really out of character here. MA seems more or less okay except for when she shows up with Dawn to crash Stacey’s party. Dawn isn’t so much immature as she’s always been self-righteous and obnoxious and I’m surprised Stacey’s just now noticing. I don’t really count Mallory and Jessi since they are only eleven, and it’s not like they’re all that close to the older members.

Claudia’s the only one I actually feel bad for. She can’t bail on Stacey’s party since they’re best friends, but telling her to hide it from the BSC is just putting her in an awkward position. Claudia’s also the only one who points out at the final meeting that the real reason Stacey should be apologetic is that she broke a promise to Charlotte. To be honest, I think she was way better off without Stacey. (Yes, I mean both of them.)