The Heterosexual Woman’s Long National Nightmare Is Over: Sam Talbot Puts a Thumb-Ring On It

Well, possums, while the heterosexual women of America may have wept blue-cheese-and-watermelon tears, we were relieved to read the news that Colombian arepa Paola Guerrero has finally made an honest man out of Sam “Not That Guy” Talbot.

We remembered the time after the engagement was announced this past summer, when a “hell hath no fury,” bedroom-farce fecal storm erupted in the comments section chez nos potes at Eater, ended up on Page Six, and led a little bird to send us pics of a, um, little Talbot bird (tattoos are such handy identifiers). The whole thing reminded us of this ad for the Chanel men’s fragrance Égoïste, except without the Prokofiev score, and with more naked photos emailed to pun-named blogs.

And so, if this marriage at least means an end to all such tsuris, then we are all for it. Good luck to everyone involved.

The Future Mrs. Sam Talbot Shares Her Love

Fun with Semiotics: New York Post Provides Visual Key to “Top Chef” Season 2

Amuse-Biatch Presents Paola Guerrero and Sam Talbot

Amuse-Biatch Heterosexual Wednesday: Is This Sam Talbot’s Little Arepa?

Possums, our search for a photie of Sam Talbot’s Colombian fiancée--the mysterious Paola Guerro, or is it Paola Guerra, or is it Paola Guerrero?--had proved fruitless and exasperating, the hunt for the elusive arepa. But then we came across a find by a commenter on Eater, namely the photo above, which, in its original state on Flickr, is labeled Paola Guerrero - Wilhelmina New York (as you may know, possums, Wilhelmina is a renowned modeling agency).

We're inclined to believe this might be the one. The future Mrs. Talbot is a model, sayeth Sam, and this Paola is a model. As we noted earlier, the announcement on People's website, written by someone Latino-deficient, couldn't decide if the woman's surname is Guerro (never come across it before) or Guerra (much more plausible). But if Paola's last name is really Guerrero, that would explain "Guerro" as a typo by someone Latino-deficient. And if this is the future Mrs. Talbot, pues ¡ay Dios mío!

However, we could not help but notice that there are a number of commenters on the Eater post who have a female friend who thought she was due to get the thumb-ring any day now. But surely Sam couldn't be such a cad? Right, possums? Right? Besides, whether her last name is Guerra ("war") or Guerrero ("warrior"), the future Mrs. T looks like she's quite a contender.

The Heterosexual Women of America Weep Blue-Cheese-and-Watermelon Tears as Sam Talbot Announces His Engagement

Yes, possums, it's true. Just as one fashion-world Colombian leaves the Bravo family, another comes in. In fact, as Miss XaXa points out, this might well be one of Newton's Laws. And so, as Nina Garcia leaves Bravo to follow Project Runway to Lifetime, People Magazine (yes, People!) has (exclusively!) received the announcement that inexplicable heterosexual heartthrob and diabetic elf Sam Talbot is marrying a Colombian named Paola Guerro. Or wait, is it Guerra? People seems (and people seem) to be confused.

At any rate, the not-for-much-longer señorita is, wait for it, a model and a teeshirt designer.

The groom and the bride are both 30, and met in Brazil. Though we have Google-imaged our little fingers to the bone, we've yet to come across a photo of the Talbot-described "stunning" bride.

The groom confides, "She takes care of me in many ways." Eeeew. Well, leave it to Sam Talbot to make love and Guerra.

Best of luck, kiddos.

Amuse-Biatch Asks Alanis Morissette a Rhetorical Question

Hey, Alanis, is it just us, or is it a teensy bit ironic that the one show on which Sam "Not That Guy" Talbot serves as a guest judge is the show where a cheftestant expresses a fear of being assaulted? Granted, possums, it's not like rain on your Wedding Wars, but we still wonder.

Padma Lakshmi Grateful No Hot Guys on “Top Chef,” Lest She Be Unable to Control Herself

Though it may hurt self-avowed metrosexual and pretty-boy Ryan Scott to hear it, that is indeed what we learned, possums, from Padma Lakshmi's appearance yesterday on the execrable Morning Show with Mike and Juliet. 'Twas a doozy, it was.

It begins with Padma doing shilling so shameless that it hasn't been seen since, well, Top Chef. On the pretext that the blonde hostess has "allergies" (to what? intelligent conversation? self-respect? good clothes?), Padma presents her with a glass of orange juice, which she accompanies with this no-doubt entirely sincere and genuine statement:

These are these new juices from Tropicana, and they’re amazing. They’re like the whole burst of sunshine in your mouth. Aren’t they good? I mean, we’ve all grown up with Tropicana.













Then, as Padma rushes to make "Mexican" cornbread (with that most typical of Mexican ingredients, dill), the most interesting exchange takes places between Padma and hostess Juliet Huddy. Possums, it's all about the mens, and, as with so many of our straight-girl friends, the model of choice seems to be tall and forgettable:

JH: Where are all the hot guys this year?

PL: I don’t know. I don’t know. It’s just as well, ‘cuz I’m not supposed to fraternize with the contestants at all.

JH: Last year, though, that big tall guy…

PL: I know, you have a little crush on Sam. I could tell the last time we were here.

JH: Oh well…But no, there was a big tall guy. What was his name?

PL: Sam.

JH: No, the other guy.

PL: Oh, CJ, CJ, CJ.

JH: So many I can’t keep up.

PL: I know, I know.

And somewhere in the Midwest, CJ Jacobson feels as though he's been kicked in the ball.

Padma then refuses to tell Juliet the outcome of Top Chef, but does drop this hint: "Well, the women are really strong this year, that’s all I can tell you. "

Thanks, Padma.

Then, and only then, are we made privy to Padma's messianic accomplishment as regards this great nation of ours:

Well, I’m happy because I feel like I’ve taught the country what an amuse-bouche is, you know. I go, and I wait for a taxi on the corner, and people say, “Amuse-bouche.” “Amuse-bouche, too, to you, too.”

Quick, someone get her her own quarter coin and a commemorative stamp.

Blast from the Past: Sam Talbot Shacks Up

Fear not, possums, mesdames, and mesdemoiselles. It's not quite what you think. Instead, as our pals at Eater found out, Sammy has been bragging because--get this--he finally got a job. He has, as Eater puts it, "signed on to run the restaurant at Jamie Mullholland's new surf shack in Montauk, Surf Lodge." So for those of you longing for Long Island or for watermelon with blue cheese, head on out starting Memorial Day.