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Showing posts with label Really Bad Movies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Really Bad Movies. Show all posts

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Antichrist: Dragging me to Hell


I don’t get Lars von Trier…let’s just get that fact out of the way from the onset. I’ve never liked his amateur style and musings on big ideas. His Dogma rules of filmmaking are a joke, a list of restrictions that act as a cop-out for his stale style. However, I must admit that von Trier’s newest film looks great, something that I never thought I would find myself saying. Another bit of good news: von Trier, it seems, has learned how to make a movie less than two hours. The bad news: it doesn’t make Antichrist any less excruciating, maddening, inane, and downright silly than his 150+ minute shit sandwiches like Dancer in the Dark or Dogville. This is one of the silliest movies of the year.


Now that I’ve alienated all of my readers who liked this movie let me give a brief plot synopsis and then be done with this movie because I’d like to move on to talking about a more positive film-going experience. The film is about two characters, He (Willem Dafoe) and She (Charlotte Gainsbourg), who have a night of good ‘ol fashioned sex. The only problem is that their child has climbed out of his crib and onto the window ledge…then he falls to his death. All of this is done with an élan not found in von Trier’s films: the film opens in black and white and looks gorgeous (a first for von Trier), the opening scene nicely uses a bit of opera music as He and She have sex, and their child’s death is juxtaposed by the beautiful snow fall outside. As the aria hits its crescendo, She climaxes and a look of concern crosses her face. This opening was the last moment of the film where I actually was interested in what was going on.

You see, I get tired of von Trier’s “playfulness” in his films. He bludgeons the viewer over the head with his symbolism and it’s annoying as hell. Here, in the opening moments when the child is climbing out of the window, we see three statues that say: pain, grief, and despair. The child knocks them off the table on his way out the window, and I immediately knew von Trier was going to use those words as his annoying title cards. And sure enough he did.

Back to the story: He thinks he can help She, and She doesn’t want his help because she thinks she’s responsible for their child’s death because she is a woman. Get it? You see, She has been studying witchcraft and the idea that women are inherently evil…He thinks his psychobabble can save her and suggests they take a journey to a cabin in the woods where he can dig deeper into her grief…which leads to despair…which leads to a whole lot of crazy, inane stuff that happens in the third act.

Watching a von Trier film is about one of the worst experiences I can think of because there’s never enough on the screen to keep me interested in plodding stories that aesthetically contain nothing visceral. However, in Antichrist he does film an art house horror film that looks pretty damn good. The set design, especially when He and She go to a cabin in the woods (and yes it is called Eden…oh, von Trier, do you really think that’s clever?) is impressive, too. What’s not impressive is the way von Trier drags his actors through so much shit (and to no one’s surprise he places extra emphasis on this with his female character) without anything to show for it. The “themes” or “allegories” are immediately dismissed because they’re presented in such an impossibly ridiculous and outlandish way (seriously, there’s a talking fox in this movie). He doesn’t give his actors much to do…Dafoe spends the first half of the film uttering psychobabble and being one of the most unlikable characters I’ve seen in a long time, Gainsbourg walks around naked a lot, and the two go back and forth between fighting and having sex so many times that I just wanted the whole ordeal to be over at the 30 minute mark.

I guess the film could have worked as a dark comedy/horror film like The Shining (which I think might be what von Trier’s going for with the cabin in the woods and all the madness that follows He and She going to the cabin), or as an exploitation movie (but really does showing us intercourse – penis-in-vagina and all – and slapping women during sex seem daringly "shocking" anymore?); but when it’s all said and done it just seems old hat for von Trier. Nothing shocked me because it’s von Trier…does he not understand that we’re all onto his game, and that it’s a horrible, downright sullen and nihilistic game that no one is interested in? If his point was to test the audience’s endurance, to see how far his acolytes would go in praising his work – even if it is vile and excruciating to get through – then congratulations, Lars, you’ve made your masterpiece.

I don’t care if that’s what von Trier was going for, film shouldn’t be an endurance test. If he wanted to make a straight horror film filled with surreal moments, then maybe I would have bought that third chapter; but dear Christ nothing that happens before that suggests that von Trier is joking, here. There may be deeper themes at work, but I was too disinterested to go explicating for them; as usual von Trier’s misanthropy get in the way of trying to sift through the themes of his films, and finding out just what the hell it is he is trying to saying.

I’ll end with a quote from Tim’s review that can be found on his blog Antagony & Ecstasy:



The whole thing just doesn't add up to more than an elaborate punking, and I think what bothers me is that I don't understand who it is that's being punked. The director's detractors? His fans? Charlotte Gainsbourg? I can say with certainty that the movie's philosophy is nearly as facile as its exploitation, which leaves us with something too thin-blooded to be taken seriously on any level, yet at the same time something far too aggressively nasty in every way to laugh at. It's a film to be endured, though what benefit comes to the viewer for having endured it, I cannot even begin to imagine.


All I can say to that is something that seems appropriate because I was praying throughout for this film to end…Amen, Tim…amen.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

What the Bloody Hell, Part 2


Last month I said "what the bloody hell" to the fact that The Descent 2 was set to be released later this year. Now, thanks to my brother Troy's blog, I've see there's going to be an American version of Let the Right One In coming out. Argh. Troy pretty much says everything that needs to be said with his post here. All I can say is that I totally agree with Troy -- this seemed inevitable as the Twilight craze was bound to suck this brilliant, ambiguous Swedish horror film up into the vacuum of sucktitude that is American Remakes of Foreign Horror Films.

Oh well...I won't be seeing it. (And seriously, the guy that directed Colverfield? What a perfect choice to direct a film based on a quiet, understated horror film. Bleh.)

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Movies I Can't Resist on Television


If any of you out there have a sleeping problem (I'm convinced I go through spurts of insomnia) then perhaps you remedy that the same way I do: by watching lots of bad late night action film on TV. These usually end up being the same movies over and over, and I've come to realize that I have a certain "go-to" set of movies, that whenever they're on TV, I get sucked into watching. Now, this happens just as frequently with legitimate movies, but more often than not, when I'm at home decompressing after work, I'll find myself looking for the lamest action movie on TV. Case in point: late last night I couldn't sleep, I turn on the TV and had a choice between Tango & Cash or Showdown in Little Tokyo. Decisions, decisions. One one hand Tango & Cash is Tango & Cash, but on the other Showdown in Little Tokyo has Dolph Lundgren, and it was directed by Mark Lester, the brilliant mind who gave us Commando. More thoughts on why I chose what I chose after the jump, with a clip you won't want to miss...


Anyway, I went with Tango & Cash, even if I have seen it about ten times already, because it has all the cliches of 80's buddy cop films...and Jack Palance as the villain. How can one go wrong there? Oh, plus it has this as its opening:



Click here to watch video



Man I love Stallone's STIFF line reads, the generic 80's cop dialogue ("I want your badge!", "You're out of your jurisdiction!") and the even more generic 80's cop moments like tasting the cocaine to see if it's real. Also, the line about Rambo is brilliant.

So, this got me thinking about bad action movies that I always watch on TV, no matter how many time I've seen them or how familiar I am with the film's rhythms. Once you see the movies on this list you may think to yourself: "but Kevin, life is too short to be wasting your time watching THOSE movies over and over, watch something better." But, the truth is I don't watch TV all that much, I still watch re-runs of "Seinfeld" and "The Simpson's" and some DVD episodes of "The West Wing" and "Deadwood", but I never really got into TV, and so my way of decompressing or "trash" TV is to watch 30 minutes here, 20 minutes there of the following movies (converted to a top 5 list for convenience):

1. The Rock - no matter how much I hate Michael Bay I have to hand it to him...this movie is an amazing exercise in the action genre. My fiance can attest to the fact that whenever this is on TV (which is a lot) I will always stop the channel surfing and take a nostalgia trip to when I was in 10th grade when The Rock came out. In fact, she's probably seen the film in its entirety, just out of order. But still, I can quote this movie pretty much word for word when I'm watching it -- and yes, I know how sad and pathetic that it.

2. Robocop - Another movie that is on free TV and IFC all the time. I never get tired of this one, either. Especially the ED-209 scene and the Benny Hill parody with the guy that says "I'll buy that for a dollar!" Plus the film is just a masterpiece of violence and has the greatest villain in 80's action cinema: Clarence Boddicker.

3. Lethal Weapon 1 and 2 - Nothing brings me more joy than watching Danny Glover and Mel Gibson play their most famous movie roles to 80's action perfection. These are the epitome of the action film in the 80's: their well acted, well crafted, and never grow tiresome. The first film has amazing scene after amazing scene, in fact you kind of feel like the movie gives you the best value for your time (when it comes to action films)...plus it has Garey Busey as the psychotic (shock!) mercenary Mr. Joshua. Also, Danny Glover's favorite line "go spit!" The second film, amazingly, is just as good as the first one. It's one of the rare occurrences where the films sequel either surpasses or lives up to the original (T2, Spider-Man 2, and Gremlins 2 are the only other sequels I can think of off the top of my head that do this) as it matches the originals energy. Plus Joe Pesci getting "effed" in the drive-thru and a house on stilts -- can't go wrong there.

4. Cliffhanger - Say what you want about Sly and director Renny Harlin (the fact that they don't have the greatest resumes is certainly true), but this early '90's action film is pretty spectacular, and always catches my attention when it's on TV. It has one of the most intense (I'm being serious, because I'm afraid of heights) opening sequences I've seen in any action movie. Plus, it has Michael Rooker in it, and John Lithgow as the villain. It's just your classic Die Hard formula, only on a mountain!

5. Terminator 2: Judgment Day - Another film that I can quote all the way through when I watch it. I never get tired of this movie, and surprisingly, the effects still hold up, and it serves as a reminder how brilliant James Cameron was at making intense action pictures. Totally different than the first Terminator, the sequel upped the ante big time and cam off more an all-out action film than a sci-fi/horror film. Robert Patrick made a name for himself as T1000, the creepy evil terminator, and who can forget Linda Hamilton looking all scary throughout the movie, ready to shoot anything metallic? It's the perfect example of a movie, that no matter when I happen upon it, will always suck me in because it was such a huge part of my childhood. This was one of the first movies I watched religiously so that I could know everything about it.

Anyway -- there are of course really good movies I choose to watch multiple times on TV (and to be truthful some of those action films above are some of the most brilliant of their genre) or on DVD. Whenever I see 8 1/2 or Fargo or Quiz Show, I immediately set the remote down and just drink in familiar scene after familiar scene, because there's just something comforting about the familiarity I have with those movies. And the same goes for the list above: those films calm me down at night or just put a smile on my face that few things can. I have an affinity for watching bad action films because that's what I grew up with. Sadly, I could probably tell you everything that happened in Van Damme's Double Impact or Seagal's Out for Justice (another movie I stop for a lot when it's on TV), because I prefer bad action films in order to help me decompress, or simply entertain me in my sleep deprived state when I'm having a fit of insomnia.

So, my question to all of you: what movies do you have trouble resisting whenever they're on TV? They can be good movies or "bad" movies like my list above. I'm just curious to see what some of your steady, fall-back films are when you've had a rough day or just need to decompress...you're flippin' through the channels, what is it that you stop on?

Monday, March 30, 2009

White Elephant Blog-a-thon: Kaliman and the Sinister World of Humanon (1976)

Hooray Kaliman!


This is my contribution to the White Elephant Blog-a-thon over at Benjamin Lim's site Lucid Screening. The premise is simple: pick a really awful movie and then that film is randomly assigned to a fellow blogger who has signed up for the blog-a-thon. You can read the rest of the entries here. I nominated Nightmare City, one of my favorite bad movies, so it should be interesting reads all around as we all try to make sense out of the really bad films that were chosen for us.


Kaliman is a Latin American icon. One quick Google search and another quick perusing of Wikipedia and you find that it was famous comic book read with millions of fans, the comic then spawned a radio show – and so naturally they decided to make a film version. The 1972 film was apparently three hours long and cut down for television. It was shot on location in Egypt with actors from Italy, USA, Canada, and Mexico. It was so popular it was in theaters for an entire year. However, the film I viewed was not the original 1972 Kaliman, which I’m sure isn’t any better, but that’s what I thought I was going to review; no, this is the 1976 sequel called Kaliman in the Sinister World of Humanon. I think Netflix screwed up here, because the film I rented was what I thought was the 1972 version, but it turns out their listing on their website and their DVD sleeve for the film was wrong. But I’m glad I got this film. It seems like it’s much worse than the 1972 film sounds and it contains the world’s greatest villain and zombies that roar like lions! I can’t make this stuff up.



I knew I was in trouble the minute I saw this title card.


The sequel, filmed four years later, was also shot on location in Rio and looked to have a decent sized budget. But wow what an awful film. One of the things my brother and I like to do when we watch truly awful movies (which is often) is re-cast the film or mention which characters look like recent celebrities. It’s a snarky exercise, influenced directly from our upbringing with “Mystery Science Theater: 3000”, but it’s really the only thing one can do in order to remain sane through such an awful affair.


Kaliman and Solin practice their moves.


The film involves Kaliman (Jeff Cooper), a superhero who uses telepathy and words to destroy his enemies (sorry kids no violence), and his sidekick Solin (he’s one of those little annoying sidekicks who says cutesy things, even amidst violent moments) who arrive in Rio for the convention on telepathy (or as they call it in the film the Congress of Psychology) and learn of a conspiracy to bring down his fellow doctors and scientists. That’s your basic setup as you get inane scene after inane scene of horribly edited filler. Lots of shots of the locations (they had to make good use of them) and lots of footage of a bare-chested Jeff Cooper walking through the jungle.



Finish Him! Humanon Wins!


Eventually Kaliman is led to a mysterious jungle locale where there are exotic animals and people known as numbers (hmm, because that doesn’t sound familiar) and are not allowed to have individual thoughts. They are ruled by the coolest villain in all of film: Humanon. This guy looks like a deleted Mortal Kombat character. His red hood and aviator sunglasses really evoke a sense of evil and dominance over his peons. This is simply some of the laziest costuming I have ever seen. They essentially just went wild at the local costume shop and donned all of their characters with what they found there. They even use noises on the island and in the diabolical Humanon’s laboratory that are straight off of a Halloween sound-effects tape.



More like an "Evening Shade" Burt Reynolds than a Hooper Burt Reynolds.


Anyway…Humanon is amazing. We learn that he is lured all of the doctors and scientists to his island in order to turn them into mutants. Now about these mutants: earlier in the film there is an amazing villain who looks like a cross between Burt Reynolds and Dave Wannstedt. He wears the same brown turtleneck throughout the entire film and he unleashes a band of lion-roaring zombies called “zombie-tronic’s”.

Just brilliant stuff. Okay, so Kaliman learns of Humanon’s diabolical plan to turn all of the smart people into zombie-tronic’s, you see that way there won’t be any original thoughts in the world. That dastardly Humanon. The most maniacal plan of Humanon’s (who spends about 50% of his screen time laughing diabolically) is at the end when we see that he’s kept the missing professors head (this is the guy that Kaliman was meeting in Rio, sorry if this is confusing, I didn’t get it until I looked up the plot synopsis) hooked up to all kinds of wires and plugs. In order to make sure he gets what he wants, Humanon threatens to kill him (the head, mind you) if he doesn’t obey. Is it just me, or is there something irrelevant about threatening to kill a severed head?


Wacky Disney effect of the movie...



Another bizarre thing about the villain is his penchant for hiring little people. One is a crazed, whip-happy warden of the zombie-tronic cages, and the other is a bizarre woman who is always by Humanon’s side, laughing when ever he laughs. She’s his MAD cat. In an utterly bizarre and wonderfully hilarious moment she disappears at the end while watching Humanon die. But she doesn’t go out without style, she laughs and then disappears to a BOING sound that is straight out of Benny Hill.


Threatening the severed head. One of my favorite scenes.


The entire film plays like a Saturday morning cartoon. And that’s probably what they were going for, but there are many moments that seem straight out of Inspector Gadget or Scooby-Doo (there’s a reveal at the end where we find out who Humanon really is, and it has the same effect a Scooby-Doo reveal has). The action is incredibly lame as there is a lot of kick and punch with people barely hitting each other (or missing altogether); the other usual bad movie elements apply here. The music is something out of a swinger’s party. It has flute and jazzy piano aplenty, and it reminded me of times of the “MST3K” classic Manos: The Hands of Fate, where the viewer is left watching lots of scenery scenes with this wacky, jazzy music playing in the background. There are other wonderful moments like when a guy who looks like Billy from Predator falls off a roof and explodes with sparks and all! Or how about when the little person with whip is out of line for beginning a sentence with "I thought..." and thus has to face his punishment, which is a swift kick in the ass. I can't make this up people. It's just an amazing film.


Kaliman and his wacky fez wearing sidekick.


Jeff Cooper as Kaliman is amazing, too. Not to be outdone by his villain, this is a superhero that can break a gun over his knee as if he were Bo Jackson. He also grunts a lot, and laughs a lot, too, although he’s more jovial than Humanon. He’s a ladies man as we find that telepathy has its advantages with the fairer sex, as long as what they’re thinking is nice. (BOING, indeed) Kaliman has a lot of fun as he and his sidekick go on some wacky adventures, tour the city, learn about Rio's rich history, and take time to realize that you're never too old or too powerful to learn something from somebody else. It really makes you think, no? He also likes to walk around without his shirt on, so naturally if this film were remade today there is no doubt in my mind that McConaughey would be the perfect choice to play Kaliman.

Yup...I could play Kaliman.


Films like this are always a fun experience. They entertain because of their awfulness alone, and they’re short enough so really they aren’t too excruciating to get through. The film is awful no doubt, but if you’re anything like me and you’re idea of a fun night of movie watching is really bad cinema, then Kaliman is sure to satisfy.

I even wrote some poetry to describe the lesson I learned from the movie. (Ahem):

Independent thought
Will win the day.
Be yourself,
That’s the Kaliman way!

Why do I have a sudden urge to watch Zardoz?
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