BSC #4: Mary Anne Saves the Day

I know I haven't done any BSC related posts in a very long time, but I felt the urge. Enjoy my retelling of Mary Anne Saves the Day.

Mary Anne: It's been hard for me growing up with only my dad. My mom died when I was a baby and my dad is so protective of me because he has to be both parents to me. I still live in a really babyish room with pictures of Humpty Dumpty. And I'm not even allowed to wear my hair the way I want--I have to wear braids because Dad subscribes to Warren Jeffs' theory that carefully monitored hair is the linchpin of female oppression.

Kristy: "Mary Anne, time for our meeting!"

Mary Anne: But being part of the BSC has been great. We get to go on sitting jobs and the other three members of the club are my best friends.

Kristy: "What's that, Mrs. Newton? Would I like to babysit for Jamie and baby Lucy? More than a Judy Blume characters longs for menarche? I'll be there!"

Claudia: "Job hog! Kristy, I would have liked to sit for Lucy, too!"

Mary Anne: "Me too..."

Stacey: "I'm actually reduced to arguing about babysitting jobs? Couldn't we be fighting over bra sizes or clothes or guys?"

Paula Danziger: "If I were overseeing your lives, yes."

Mary Anne: *sob*

Kristy: "Baby."

Mary Anne: "That's it! You're all horrible people, and I hope I never see you again!"

Mr. Spier: "So, Mary Anne, how was your day?"

Mary Anne: "Well, Dad, we--"

Mr. Spier: "Mary Anne, that's the red tartan kilt you're wearing, not the green tartan one that I picked out for you, isn't it?! Oh, God. I'll never be as good a parent as you were, Alma!"

Mary Anne: "Uh oh. Lunch time with all my friends mad at me."

Kristy: "Don't even think about sitting with the Shillaber twins. I laid claims to them a long time ago."

Dawn: "Hi! I'm a conveniently new character! I'm blonde, but don't worry about confusing me with Stacey because I'm a California blonde, not a Bergdof blonde."

Mary Anne: "Want to come over to my house later?"

Kristy: "Mary Anne, are you tripping? You never invite people over except me. And you barely make contact with the outside world unless it's to use a flashlight to talk to me. Shouldn't you be at home crying about us?"

Dawn: "I wonder if our parents knew each other, Mary Anne. They're about the same age, and it's always easier on the reader when secondary characters know each other."

Mary Anne: "To the yearbooks! Oh! Check out these quotes and signatures about true love! They did know each other!"

Dawn: "Wow."

Mary Anne: "So, guys, what are we going to do about the club?"

Claudia: "We'll all take turns sitting in an empty room taking calls. It's the only sane solution."

Mary Anne: "Hello? Mrs. Newton?"

Mrs. Newton: "Mary Anne, I was wondering if all of the members of the BSC could help out at Jamie's fourth birthday party. I invited 16 little kids as guests."

Sadako: "Spoken like someone who hasn't read Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing even once."

Mary Anne: "Dad? Do you think I could stay out later when I'm babysitting? All my friends do."

Mr. Spier: "You aren't your friends. I'm sorry, Mary Anne, I don't think you're ready."

Mary Anne: "Look at me, Dad! I'm 12 and I'm wearing braids and living in a nursery! I mean, Humpty Dumpty? If I'm limited to stuff from children's literature, at least let me have something with a bit of hipster cachet like Maurice Sendak wallpaper."

Peter Lerangis: "If you can hold out a few more books, I promise, things will get so much easier. Plus, there will be leggings."

Mr. Spier: "Mary Anne, the subject is closed."

Mary Anne: "Mimi? Am I a normal 12 year old?"

Mimi: "You show an interest in needlepoint more suited to middle aged women with collections of thimbles shaped like cats, but you seem very mature and serious, too."

Mary Anne: "I wish my father could see that."

Mimi: "If you do not like how things are you, you must change them. I know you will find a way, my Mary Anne."

Claudia: "MY Mary Anne?! I thought I was your Claudia! You never even say my Janine! That personal pronoun was the one thing keeping my ego intact!"

Mrs. Prezzioso: "Thanks for babysitting for little Jenny, Mary Anne. Mr. P and I will be at a basketball game. Here's the number we'll be at."

Jenny: "..."

Mary Anne: "Hello? Dawn? I've got an emergency with the kid I'm sitting for. I can't reach her parents or my dad. What should I do?"

Dawn: "You could try 911."

Mary Anne: "It's a long shot, but okay."



William Shatner: "Would both of you like to be the poster children for a new show I've got in the works?"

Mr. Prezzioso: "You girls did the right thing. Here you go."

Dawn: "Wow, fifty bucks."

Mary Anne: "Yeah."

Dawn: "Uh, Mary Anne, why is that girl in the house over there sticking her tongue out at me? And why are you sticking your tongue out at her? Wait, you were using me this whole time, weren't you!"

Mary Anne: "No...wait...Sigh."

Mr. Spier: "Mary Anne? That was Mr. Prezzioso on the phone. Did something happen today?"

Mary Anne: "Oh, I'm sorry I forgot to tell you. There was an emergency and I had to get Jenny to the hospital."

Dad: "Mary Anne, you're growing up before my eyes."

Mary Anne: "Do you think I might be allowed to stay out later? And replace Humpty Dumpty with an old Richard Gere pinup, which I plan to dub Benjamin Moore?"

Dad: "Okay."

Mary Anne: "Oh, Dad!"

Dawn: "Hey, Mary Anne!"

Mary Anne: "I'm sorry we fought. Maybe I was using you when I first met you. But when I got to know you, I really liked you and thought you were cool. I hope we can still be friends."



Laney Boggs: "I'm convinced."

Mary Anne: "Gotta run. Time for Jamie Newton's party!"

Stacey: "You smushed cake in my face!"

Claudia: "Oops."

Mrs. Newton: "Girls? Do I need to break out the Costco sized bottle of Midol?"

Mary Anne: "I'm calling an emergency meeting of the Babysitters Club. Now let's all apologize without actually addressing any of our deep seated insecurities."

All: "I'M SORRY!"

Mary Anne: "I have a new member to introduce. Her name is Dawn. Everyone come to my house next weekend for a sleepover party!"

*doorbell*

Mr. Spier: "I'll get it. Sharon...?"

Mrs. Schafer: "Richie?"

Dawn: "Aw. Old people can be so sweet!"

Mary Anne: "Welcome to the BSC, Dawn."

Dawn: "Thanks!"

Mary Anne: "Pizza toast!"

Stacey: "To Dawn!"

Kristy: "To the club!"

Dawn: "To us!"

Sadako: "To the shattered hopes and dreams I had as a BSC-reading elementary school student about the honor and sanctity of middle school friendships!"

BSC #131: The Fire at Mary Anne's House

Synopsis:

Mary Anne's house burns down. And the babysitters are entering a best babysitter contest in some magazine--as a group. The book has an open ending--Richard and Sharon are considering moving from Stoneybrook to buy a new house, possibly in Pennsylvania. And MA's pretty shellshocked.

When I first started recapping this one, I decided to do the unthinkable: to judge a book by its cover. I know it's wrong, but look how utterly hot this cover is. It's convinced me that we need to f'getabout Claudia's stylishness and Stacey's sophisticated...ness, and focus on Mary Anne as a model. Okay, so she's short--so were all the Top Models last season! Give her a pair of Jimmy Choos and park her right in front of the judging panel on America's Next Top Model.

Judging Panel

Tyra: So, Mary Anne. How do you like your Ty-Over? I know the girls freak out when we ask them to cut off all their hair, but short hair is really high fashion and it shows off your cheek bones, and I think we did a great job with it.

MA: Um. I got this haircut at the mall over a decade ago.

Tyra: Girl, when I was first starting out, I was doing go sees in salons in malls and little towns--and the first time I was discovered was when I was five and a guy did a caricature for me at the food court...

Nigel: Let's see her best shot.

Tyra: Gorgeous. Today's shoot was tragic situations, and you really nailed it. I love the fact that you weren't afraid to be unpretty. It was a sad shot but you made it fashion. Just like I myself dealt with tragedy when Heidi Klum got to be top angel at the Victoria's Secret fashion show four days after having a baby, and I had to--

Nigel: You really committed to the shot. And you were a joy to work with, I have to say.

Tyra: But not as much fun as meeeeee, Nigel, right? Remember that nickname you gave me?

Nigel: Insufferable Yank?

Tyra: Anyway, Mary Anne, one thing really skinny girls need to watch out for though is making yourself look TOO thin--your left arm looks a bit bony, and that's something we'd need to touch up after.

Janice Dickinson: Tyra, hush, you can never be too skinny, rich, drunk, Valium infused, or syphilis ridden.

Tyra: I think I'd like to see you go a little further, though, Mary Anne--don't be afraid to really show us your body. Let your t-shirt fall off the shoulder, be a little flirty, sexy...but make sure it's fashion!

MA: Can I go now?

• Mary Anne has to wear some clothing donated by other people because she loses everything in the fire. This isn't explicitly said, but I bet there's a scene where she wears a new shirt and excitedly tells Richard, "Look, Dad, Dawn is stupid and I'm with her!"

• Speaking of borrowed clothing, no one at one point stops off to buy new underwear. You really expect me to believe that Richard "I iron my sweat socks" Spier is wearing Watson's knock offs? I think not.

• This was the last BSC book ever. Until Friends Forever, anyway. Who got to ghost write? Ellen Miles, bitches. Lerangis offered Ann M. his first born child, but Ellen Miles made Ann a tea cozy shaped like a gigantic tea cozy.

• The BSC enters a contest for Sitter of the Year. They decide to enter as a group. They have to write an essay about why they're great sitters and collect testimonials from the kids they've sat for. The book never tells us if they win, but I have to assume they do because can you imagine the competition?

That girl in Arthur who babysits, that Arthur crushes on but who breaks his heart when he realizes she's got a boyfriend

Arthur's testimonial: "She broke my heart and made me not want to open myself to another living soul again, which means I'll probably get brow beaten into marrying Francine, having weird pseudo monkey kids, and never leaving Elwood City again. Oh, um, she provided good snacks."

Title character of Don't Tell Mom the Babysitter's Dead

Crandell kids: "She really fostered growth and independence."

R.L. Stine's the Babysitter

Donny Hagen: "Jenny was the only babysitter Daddy didn't kill. Well, so far."

Ole Golly from Harriet the Spy

Mrs. Welsch: "Ole Golly was a wonderful and attentive nanny to our bright, shining star of a child...why doesn't she still work for us? Well, she left the night we came home to find she and her boyfriend went out on a date to the movies, and stayed out past midnight, but apart from that..."

The BSC are so the winners.

Happy New Year, all! I promised I'd be posting more BSC recaps in the New Year, didn't I? I'm having a bit of blogger's block, so please let me know, either through comments or e-mail, if there are any books or movies or anything I absolutely have to recap.

BSC #79: Mary Anne Breaks the Rules

In honor of Halloween, which I'm celebrating all month long (and by celebrating I mean gorging on candy and watching horror movies), here's a book that takes place around Halloween. Incidentally, Dawn and the Halloween Mystery came out the same month (October of '94) as this book. But when Mary Anne talks to Dawn on the phone, Dawn doesn't mention that there's an insane clown on the loose that she's trying to track down. Is having killer clowns rampaging just an everyday occurrence in Palo City? Remind me not to hold my coulrophobics unite convention there.

Synopsis:

Mary Anne notices that little Jake Kuhn has been feeling out of sorts because he misses his dad. (His parents are divorced and his dad lives really far away.) So she enlists her boyfriend Logan to provide some male guidance. Logan comes over a few times to play soccer and basketball with Jake while Mary Anne sits for Laurel and Patsy, Jake's younger sisters. It all comes to a crashing halt when Mrs. Kuhn comes home early and assumes Mary Anne has been doing the horizontal tango with Logan instead of watching the kids. Of course, she's on the hotline to the BSC complaining the very next day.

Naturally, MA lost all traces of the working spine she acquired in MA Saves the Day and MA's Makeover (Ann M. Martin wields that reset button like it's a Hitachi Magic Wand). So she's back to being Mary Anne the Meek and she doesn't explain what's really been going on to Mrs. Kuhn. The BSC worries that Mrs. Kuhn will call up other clients and tell them what bad sitters they are and that they won't get any more jobs. But about a week later, Jake tells his mother what really was going on, and everything goes back to normal.

Subplot: The babysitters supervise the kids while they come up with a haunted house for Halloween.

• On the book cover: MA leans against the garage door smiling while Logan gives Jake some soccer tips. Lesson one--the jock strap you're wearing, Jake? It's either too big or too small. Not pictured: Laurel and Patsy Kuhn who are presumably locked in the car-hole.

• Poor Jake. He's been described as a bit chunky, and just look at that cover. The only thing keeping that jacket on is the Perfect Fit Button(TM). He's the kind of kid who really needs help. Plus, can't you just picture Logan's reaction when MA asked him to mentor Jake? "I'll take him! Do you have him in a size small?"

• In one scene Stacey asks Logan where he gets his energy. Logan replies, "'Rechargeable batteries...[and begins] unbuttoning his shirt. 'Want to see?'" Can we say the most gratuitous fan service, apart from the Bada Bing? Though I must admit, if I had been a preteen when I first read this, it would've given me such a clit-on, the likes of which I usually only experienced when climbing the ropes in gym class or seeing a Boy Meets World character do a hair flip.

• When Jake tells Mary Anne he's jealous of Buddy Barrett (whose mother is getting remarried), that's when she realizes he needs to have a guy in his life. But she's afraid of criticizing Mrs. Kuhn. Okay, I know I mocked MA for not saying anything to Mrs. K, but this I can grok. My friend's sister's boyfriend's cousin works on Kate...Plus Eight and one day he got reamed out by the Divorcee Gosselin for playing Hot Wheels with Aaden on his break because "how dare [he] imply that she can't provide a male influence in his life? Aaden has plenty of male influence from when He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken used to live with us and from the bodyguard, handlers, and my publicist Lance." (This is probably why none of the little boys know how to pee standing up--well, that and Mama Gosselin's undiagnosed OCD.)

• Later, MA watches old Facts of Life episodes to seek out more fashion advice from Tootie, while Logan simmers at home because he can't pass on more male guidance to Jake (like foreskins need to be retracted for cleaning, and which Pokemon are butch enough for boys to like--Charmander and Bulbasaur, FTR). And then, Mrs. Kuhn comes over with Jake in tow to talk to Mary Anne...

• I decided to update this scene because things have changed since 1994 when this book was first published. We have Megan's Law, Law & Order: SVU, and we know that Snuffy was wrong to tell Big Bird to keep their friendship a secret. So here's the scene presented for a modern audience:
  

Mrs. K: "I had no idea Logan was coaching Jake in soccer. I had thought...well, I had been confused. At any rate, Jake told me that Logan was spending all his time with him, while you looked after the girls."
MA: "Yes."

Mrs. K: "That Logan didn't come over to see you, Mary Anne, but to hang out with Jake.

MA: "Yeah."

Mrs. K: "And Jake never told me that he was spending all this unsupervised time with an older thirteen year old boy without my permission who hasn't passed a background check. Logan? Why don't you have a seat?"

• In one scene, Logan and MA meet up with Stacey and her boyfriend Robert. Stacey tells them a story about how they and some other kids went to a French restaurant. One member of their party ordered sweetbreads (the thymus/pancreas of a calf) and it was so disgusting that none of them could eat their dinners so they just paid up and left. (The guy who ordered sweetbreads had to go home and lie down when he saw it.) Between this and the escargots incident in California Girls!, I have to wonder Ann M.'s beef is with foreign foods. Did she have an incident as a child where an authority figure stuffed foie gras down her throat?

• The other sitters act pretty cold towards MA after Mrs. Kuhn calls. When clients call asking for the girls to sit, every time Mary Anne is free, someone else quickly volunteers to take the job instead. Mary Anne feels awful, and I don't blame her. I always thought that they could be fairly bitchy to her (especially in Mary Anne's Makeover). Don't you wish Erica Blumberg could play the Janis Ian to MA's Cady, and encourage her to take them down? This would so work since SMS has no Tina Fey-esque teacher to tell all the teen queens and wannabes to play nice.

• The haunted house plot. Some of the kids (Jake, Nicky and Buddy) want a funny haunted house, and the others (Vanessa, Haley and Matt) want a scary one. Since I've been to a real scary one, and barely lived to tell about it, I'll go with the first option. Okay, okay, it wasn't so much a haunted house as it was the time I was trying to get into this guy named Christian's pants, and his idea of a date was watching the video of Andrew Lloyd Webber's CATS in its entirety and I had to go along with it. (And yes, he did turn out to be an Oscar Wilde reading, Streisand ticket holding friend of Dorothy, and no, I haven't really recovered from the trauma.)
  

Happy Halloween everybody!

BSC #66: Maid Mary Anne

So, the general consensus for how these books get written is that Ann M. wrote a few outlines and delegated the actual writing to the ghostwriters. (I also like to believe that the top ranking ghostwriters, like Ellen Miles and Peter Lerangis, had some of their own books ghostwritten.) Anyway, my point is that Ann still had a lot of influence over what she was writing because only she would write a YA/children's lit book in which learning French embroidery is cooler than watching a drug special starring the Ninja Turtles, wearing ridiculously large trousers, or anything else that kids were really doing in 1993.

Nola Thacker ghostwrote this one. She's no Lerangis but she's credited with writing for a series called Laguna Beach (as in the real Laguna Beach?!) The book I looked up on amazon.com starts with the phrase, "'Headbanging sex.'" Right off the bat, you know this ghostwriter gets around. So my theory is that Ann M. may have commissioned a book about helping out a sweet old lady, but Nola conceived of it as a book about a passive aggressive, old biddy (perhaps a scathing send up of Ann M.) whose only pleasures in life involve writing daily letters to the Sun, obsessively re-organizing her quilt collection and ordering Mary Anne around.

So, in this book, Mary Anne meets an older woman, Mrs. Towne, who's super into sewing point and asks her for lessons. She agrees to pay Mrs. Towne, but later, Mrs. T falls and hurts her ankle. Mary Anne ends up helping Mrs. Towne around the house in exchange for her lessons, but after a while, Mrs. Towne starts taking advantage of MA. Eventually, she and MA have a talk where Mrs. Towne confesses to calling MA up because she was lonely a lot of the time. (Really? I hear Morbidda Destiny is on Twitter these days.) Mrs. Towne goes back to taking cash for the lessons. She says she'll solve the problem of the housework by hiring a housekeeper which she was planning on doing anyway.

Also, MA and Claudia teach a sewing class to a few kids in Stoneybrook (Nicky, Buddy, Haley, Vanessa, and Charlotte). At one point, Nicky and Buddy quit because a classmate teases them for sewing. They spend a lot of time overcompensating, doing manly things like eschewing cookies and building a fort. But then they rejoin sewing class and the class finishes a quilt with a gardening theme. And because this is the book right before Dawn makes her first travail back to California, there's non stop "Dawn misses California" foreshadowing.

• As of the first page, it's summer vacation yet again. Mary Anne rushes out the door to sit for the Arnold twins. As she heads out, Dawn looks at the window and says something about how good the sun feels on her face and that it reminds her of sunny California. Mary Anne runs out. As she slams the door, I assume that Dawn sighs and says something like, "Oh, wind. We had that in California, too. And doors."

• Mary Anne is surprised when she meets Mrs. Towne. Mrs. Towne isn't apple-cheeked or grandmotherly. And she's a little amazed that Mrs. Towne is wearing work pants instead of a dress. (What? You think it's easier to hide Depends in a skirt, is that it, MA? Way to stereotype the elderly.) God, I hate how it's supposed to be shocking in BSC world whenever an old woman wears trousers or doesn't enjoy baking or is registered to vote.

• Mrs. Towne shows Mary Anne around her house and then shows her the sewing room. When MA enters, she gasps. What? Is it a bug? The embalmed remains of Mr. Towne? (Where the hell is he, anyway? No one ever alludes to him. Even though she's clearly a Mrs. and she does have an adult son. I'm totally banking on there being a A Rose For Emily ending.)
  

• Oh, anyway. It's a pleater. It's a machine used for making pleats and smocking. And I don't even care a little. Why am I suddenly reminded of the Frasier where Frasier re-finds his 18th century English salt server and Niles's reaction is: "I've heard you speak about it, but I had no idea it was so magnificent" while Martin and Daphne roll their eyes? Yeah, that's basically my reaction to every sewing related reference in this entire book.

• So, the Widow Towne agrees to give MA lessons in exchange for cash. When Mary Anne shows up for her first official lesson, she rings the door but doesn't get a response. So she ventures into the house and finds Mrs. Towne lying on the kitchen floor. Oh no! Dead Mrs. Towne! Just kidding. It's more like this.

• I try to interject with, "Uh, and this is why you need Life Alert. Oh, and while I've got you here, could I sell you some Term Life Insurance? Don't you want to make sure your pleater and quilts are in safe hands when you pass?" But Mary Anne knows just what to do since she's been in an emergency before (see Mary Anne Saves the Day). She calls up 911 and then calls Richard (her lawyer-dad) to make sure that the Widow Towne can't hold her liable for anything, just in case.

• After Mrs. Towne goes to the hospital, Mary Anne mentions to the BSC that even though she could have gone home, she stayed a few days extra since she would pretty much be on her own at home. This book was written in '93? Damn, Medicare ain't what it used to be. Also, all this and it takes her an entire book of exploiting a teenage girl to shell out for a housekeeper?
  

• So Mary Anne and Claud take the kids to Mood to buy stuff for the quilt. They gush over all the different kinds of fabric. Like brown corduroy for a pansy face or perhaps velvet for a rose. After I revive myself by promising that I'll open a new packet of knock off Oreos if I finish this chapter, Mary Anne announces, "Designers, you have less than a minute left. Let's go. Designers!"

• At one point, the sewing class takes a road trip to see a special guest who will hopefully inspire them with their projects. (Ooh, Sarah Jessica Parker? No! Diane von Furstenberg?) No, it's a trip to Mrs. Towne's House of Undocumented Workers. While Mary Anne tuts over the state of Mrs. Towne's now dirty house, the kids ooh and ahh over the quilts. Really? REALLY? Because I see the visit going more like this. Buddy: "Ew, this place has got old-woman stink." And Mrs. Towne looking sad till Mary Anne pipes up with, "Don't listen to him--you've got an enchanting musk."

• Mary Anne comes over for a lesson post ankle break. Mrs. Towne asks Mary Anne if she'd like some tea. Mrs. Towne has some trouble with her crutches so when MA asks if she wants help, Mrs. Towne leans on her till they get to the kitchen, she then instructs her on how to make the tea. Mary Anne gets the tea pot, makes the tea, and then Mrs. Towne asks if she could trouble her to unload her groceries. Mary Anne complies as the Widow Towne bats her eye lashes and sighs, "I have always depended on the kindness of spineless adolescents."

• After, Mrs. Towne smiles menacingly, narrowing her beady eyes. (Okay, okay, she just "[looks] at Mary Anne thoughtfully.") Then she says, "'Mary Anne, instead of paying me for sewing lessons in money, why don't we do some good, old-fashioned bartering.'" Mary Anne catches on right away and asks Mrs. Towne if she's sure this is a fair agreement (that is, MA thinks it might be unfair to Mrs. Towne). Mrs. Towne privately cackles and thinks, "There's one born every minute." First off, if I were MA, I'd be all, "Bartering? I'm not playing the Oregon Trail, you old hag." And second, Mrs. Towne, if you're that cheap, just take a page from Caroline Kennedy and hire an illegal.

• Dawn has to sit for the Arnold twins midway through the book. She takes them to visit the Stoneybrook Mortuary, otherwise known as Mrs. Towne's humble abode. When she arrives, Mary Anne is mopping the floor. (Yes, this is the part depicted on the cover. Side note, Hodges, what's up with Carolyn Arnold? Crop top? Cowboy boots in summer? Fail!) Mary Anne accidentally tips over the bucket and says to herself, "At least I hadn't dropped the soap." Oh, that's probably what Lyle and Erik Menendez are saying to themselves in the shower every day. Afterward, Dawn asks Mary Anne to come with her so they can hang out when Dawn drops off the twins, but MA's too busy. Dawn sighs, presumably thinking, "Busy? I used to be busy when I lived in California" and leaves.

• Beep beep! Stacey misses a BSC meeting because her sitting job at the Barretts' runs over. This almost never happens, so it's kind of a big deal. The fact that it never happens in any other book makes me think that Nola Thacker was being all subversive. "So, Ann, you make me write a book where I have to extol the virtues of needlepoint. I'll make a BSC meeting coincide with a sitting job! Muhahaha." Yeah, this is pretty much the equivalent of rumpling your Felix Unger-esque significant other's carefully ironed underwear collection, or putting generic brand mustard on the customer's sandwich when they requested Grey Poupon. But being a ghostwriter is a thankless, hard job, and you takes your pleasures as you can.

• Later, Mrs. Towne calls MA at two separate BSC meetings because she needs help getting some sewing equipment down from the second floor. Mary Anne's a little pissed the second time, but all she does is respond with, "'Is it an emergency?'" and then when Mrs. Towne sounds hurt, saying that no, it isn't, she storms over, full of resentment and forced good will. Good lord, if this continues, I can so see Mrs. Towne following in Brooke Astor's foot steps. Wearing the same ratty old robe with appliqued kittens romping day in and day out. Confined by Mary Anne to one room of the house. Never given access to her sewing room. Her beloved pleater sold off till one day Annette de la Renta steps in.

• Then one Saturday, MA drops everything to go to to Mrs. Towne's House of Pain, even though she and Logan have a date to have a picnic lunch and then spend the day together. Turns out there's a wasp in the kitchen and it's distressing Goodwife Towne. Yeah, one time Tucker Carlson came over to show off his collection of argyle bow ties and just would not leave, but I dealt with it myself, Mrs. Towne, so grow a pair.

• Oh, and Mrs. Towne needs yet another box from the sewing room. (The fuck? Why didn't she just have MA bring them all down last time?) When Mary Anne tells Dawn where she and Logan are heading, Dawn eye rolls till MA asks her how she'd like to be old and helpless. Dawn: "'I'm not into helpless.'" No, of course not. Unless they're gorgeous single women with three kids who can barely do basic housework (cough, cough, Mrs. Barrett). Or unless it involves cutting up soda rings to protect the stupider seagulls and sea turtles who probably should remove themselves from the gene pool. Or helpless but delicious veal calves.

Wow, that is pretty cute. Sorry, Mrs. Towne, you can't compete.

• So then after Mary Anne does Ann M. the Widow Towne's bidding, she and Logan try to head off into the sunset to enjoy the rest of their day. Except Mrs. Towne guilts them into staying and having picnic lunch on her sun porch. Mary Anne and Logan have nary a cojone nor an ovary between the lot of them so they give in and take their pimento cheese sandwiches over to the porch. Mrs. Towne and Logan even "[have] a long talk about the merits of pimento cheese sandwiches versus regular cheese sandwiches." Really? And then did you discuss the differences between crushed and cubed ice? (Crushed ice just being too much goshdarned excitement for a weekday.) Why do I also have the sinking feeling that Mrs. Towne is just waiting for Logan to get up so that she can get in a good pinch through his Dockers and then blame it on Mary Anne or her impending senility? This segment is SO Nola's revenge for that time Ann M. had Nola and her beau over for high tea and then wouldn't let them leave until she'd shown her every single one of her thimbles from around the world and each needle in her collection of interesting looking needles. ("This one's shaped like a needle! Isn't that something?" "Uh...")

• In the end, the kids give their friendship quilt (which they make awfully quickly for beginner sewers) to the Widow Towne. Ugh. I changed my mind. Mrs. Towne isn't a pathetic old lady. She just farmed out all her housework to Mary Anne and instead of getting a hard smack on her bony old behind, now she got a quilt out of it? She's a mastermind who fakes a sweet old homemaker persona, like Martha Stewart or Mom.

Below are a number of items I found on the Internet that I'm almost positive that Mrs. Towne had to have had a hand in making. It's not such a stretch to think that a lonely old woman whose only child has moved to Missouri to get away from her would think that a Yorkie wants--no, NEEDS--a bathrobe with an appliqued duck on it.

And look at this. A onesie with a stitched on monkey. Presumably sent to her firstborn grandchild, only to be stamped with RETURN TO SENDER when said son in Missouri realized that Mom had sent his ten year old an outfit with an eyeless simian.

After being rebuffed by everyone--her latest runaway kitten (please, don't you think there's a reason that an insane old woman like Mrs. Towne doesn't have a cat or eighty in her house?), her son, her dead husband who refuses to answer the seances--Mrs. Towne started to go a little insane. Somewhere in the bowels of her cute little cottage, there's probably a room filled with stuff like this:

And what will happen now that Mary Anne has dumped her? She's going to snap entirely. I give you Mrs. Towne's most frightening, post Mary Anne work. To look upon it is to go mad. THEY'RE DOGS! ...AND THEY'RE PLAYING POKER!

In conclusion, I just want to say that I almost wish this had been a Jessi book so I could work in a Driving Miss Daisy reference. But then I guess the idea of Jessi as a maid would get the black readers even more pissed than they were at the thought of the new African American Disney princess being called Maddy.

BSC #41: Mary Anne vs. Logan

Brief Synopsis

Logan Bruno, Mary Anne's long time better half, is on his way to becoming a scary obsessive boyfriend. He shows up randomly at Mary Anne's house, calls her repeatedly and is really bossy. MA pulls a Ross Gellar and asks for them to go on a break, which they do. A week or two later, on Valentine's Day, MA shows up for a sitting job at the Brunos' house (for Logan's two younger siblings), only to find out that he's secretly arranged an elaborate V-Day dinner for them, complete with gifts. She realizes he doesn't get it and a few days later she breaks it off with him officially.

Subplot: Jenny Prezzioso's mother is expecting a new baby and little Jenny, who's a spoiled brat, is jealous. Mary Anne, along with Stacey and Claudia, helps the P's host a baby shower, and eventually Jenny gets over herself when she meets the new baby.

• This scary looking cover is from the British version. Logan looks kind of redneckish. Somehow, I always imagined him looking a little like Zack Morris--I have no idea why. And Mary Anne looks like she's carrying a crossbow.
  

• At one of the meetings, Mary Anne thinks she's dressed like a nerd compared to Claudia. But Mary Anne is wearing a cropped t-shirt with a picture of a cactus sporting a cowboy hat. Wow, bare skin! On a BSC member? Shocking! Also, if I were a cactus with a propensity for hat wearing, I'd be rocking the tam 'o shanter look. Just 'cause.
  

• After Mary Anne asks Logan if they can go on a break, she starts worrying that he's going out on a V-Day date with another girl. Have no fear, MA. I never thought Ginger was all that hot myself.

• At the very end of the book, when MA goes out to talk to Logan to break things off, Dawn tells her that she needs to stop dropping everything for her boyfriend. Dawn, honey, how long ago was it that you were crying in your bok choy because you thought that a sixteen year old boy who took you out on one sort-of-date would have liked you better if you'd only gotten that third piercing in your ear? Taking relationship lessons from Dawn "I wanna be Travis's girl" Schafer--yep, always a fine, fine idea.

• Speaking of Travis, this book reminds me of Dawn and the Older Boy because there's another scene where a boy orders for a girl without asking her what she wanted. (Travis orders Dawn a grilled cheese, Logan orders MA a cheeseburger, when she really wanted a grilled cheese.) For the record, Dawn says nothing to Travis because she's relieved that he at least didn't order any meat. Mary Anne complains even though she doesn't call back the waiter to change her order. Now who's the budding feminist in training?

• At the meeting where Mary Anne reveals that she broke up with Logan, the other girls start reminiscing about all the boys they've loved before, like Stacey's lifeguard Scott, Alex and Toby from Sea City, Will from Camp Mohawk, and Terry from California. Claudia asks, "'How come we always fall in love when we're out of town and the relationship can't last?'" Because, Claudia, the carefully assembled team of ghostwriters doesn't have enough personality traits to sustain more than one well thought out male character at a time. And they've already used up "athletic," "controlling," "good with little kids" and "Southern" on Logan and "athletic," "good with little kids," and "looks good in a lobster suit" on Bart.

• Jenny thinks that the stork brings babies. Claudia starts to tell tell her where they really come from, but MA stops her after she mentions something about Mrs. P's stomach getting much bigger. This is BSC world, after all. Where restrooms have no tampon dispensers and where the drugstore doesn't even have a family planning aisle.
  

• Karen's going through some angst because of her pretend husband Ricky Torres. She even calls up the BSC and asks if they'll sit for her stuffed cats, Moosie and Goosie. Yeah, yeah, cute today, but wait till she's one of those creepy middle aged ladies who collects stuffed bears and dolls obsessively, and won't leave home without counting all of them, gives them all elaborate names like Reginald Furrington III, Esq., and even makes tiny teddy bears for her stuffed bears. Not that I'm describing anyone I know personally.

• When Logan takes Mary Anne out ice skating and to play in the snow, he gets pissy when she says she's way too cold to enjoy it and wants to go home. Aw, come on, Mary Anne. What's dignity, comfort and fun got to do with it?

• The Prezziosos had no real plan for when Mrs. P went into labor. The morning that they go to the hospital, they ring up Jessi at the last minute to come sit for Jenny because she was the only one available. So if she'd gone into labor at night or while the girls were all in school, they would have, um...what? Do the Prezziosos have no family? no adult friends? Seriously, someone has to break this nasty co-dependency that the BSC has with its clients.

• When Mary Anne babysits for Jenny, they play a game called Flamingo Fight in the front yard while they wait for Jenny's parents to come home with the new baby. To play Flamingo Fight, you have to hop around on one leg blindfolded trying to knock each other over. We used to play this game when I was a kid, but we had a different name for it. I think we called it "How to turn your babysitting charge into roadkill without really trying."
  

• Logan is the one who decides when their "break" ends, even though he's not the one who initiated it. He also was planning their reunion only a week after they'd taken a break. (They decide to cool things off on a Friday night, and MA tells Dawn, but she doesn't tell the BSC anything at school the next Monday. Then we jump to the next Monday meeting where she explains the break up and where Logan calls to set up Valentine's day.) I think MA should have run screaming from the house when she saw what was going on. Do you really want to wait until he starts making you watch "Citizen Kane" every night and showing you the glass coffin he'll keep your body in if you leave him?

• MA gets a gold heart bracelet, a corsage, a gigantic box of chocolates and a spaghetti dinner meal for V-Day. The best thing I ever got was some cheap (um, I mean, lovingly crafted) origami animals. Oh, and the complete works of Alfred Hitchcock, which are going to fetch a pretty penny on eBay one of these days.

Words of Wisdom from Dawn Schafer

'"'Did he take part of you, or did you let him take part of you?'" Oh, Dawn, I totally want to go out and read The Second Sex with you, and then eat tofutti ice cream and talk about how the word "semester" is a sign of patriarchy and should be changed to "ovester." To the feminist bookstore!

BSC #60: Mary Anne's Makeover

The plot of this one is simple. Mary Anne wants to get a new and very short haircut, but when she points out a photo of the kind of style she wants to her friends, they all laugh and tell her how dumb she’ll look. She decides to surprise everyone by doing it anyway and goes to the mall to get a haircut with her dad, also coming back with some hot new clothes and make up. The BSC, and Dawn in particular, start acting cold to her and she ends up ignoring them back by missing meetings and eating lunch with Logan. Rumors fly that an older high school guy named Carlos Mendez is interested in her, and Mary Anne starts feeling bad. Eventually she and Dawn make up and MA sucks it up, drinks the Flavor Aid and goes back to the BSC. At the end, it turns out that Carlos is really interested in Sabrina Bouvier, another eighth grader.

• Mary Anne’s New Year resolution is to be the best possible person she can be, so she tries to be more understanding when she’s talking to Carolyn about something in the first chapter. Honey, if you get any more understanding, your transformation into doormat will be complete.

• MA’s dad gets a lot of shit for being strict with her when she was younger, and for being kind of nerdy, but for the most part, he seems like an awesome dad. Especially compared with some of the other parents (Stacey’s dad is a controlling workaholic, Mallory’s parents haven’t yet learned that the rhythm method isn’t an effective method of birth control). It’s nice to see them bond in this book when he takes MA to the mall to get a haircut.

• The other members of the BSC just tell Mary Anne that her hair will grow out and that it isn’t her. In one scene, Mary Anne sits alone and another girl, Susan, asks her to join their table. You know, she really should have. This book was a golden opportunity for Mary Anne to branch out and not obsessively hang out with the same old friends. Stacey was a real bitch most of the time, but I actually respect her for temporarily leaving the babysitters cult…I mean, club.

• Dawn’s a total bitch. I never realized this till the second time I read these books. Gotta love when she tells Mary Anne she has a boy haircut and is wearing clown make-up.

• At the end, Dawn and Mary Anne primp to go to the dance, and Mary Anne has to borrow some blush from Dawn because she’s run out. Except she only bought her blush about two weeks ago. I bought my last tin two years ago and it still hasn’t run out. Maybe Dawn was right about the clown make up.

• The girls wear long dresses and heels to the dance. And Logan even wears a tuxedo that he looks good in. Between this and his job at the Rosebud Café, I think this is what gave me unrealistic expectations of how grown-up thirteen year old boys were.

• If Mary Anne is growing up into a young woman and Sabrina Bouvier goes to the dance with a high school guy where they both look about twenty years old, how come no members of the BSC have started menstruating? I want them to start talking about their menstrual flow and scented tampons at sleepovers, damnit, not the Korman kids and their stupid phobias.

• Oh yeah, about the kids. Carolyn Arnold builds a time machine in the basement and starts telling everyone about it, telling kids to give her a dollar and that when she unveils it later, she’ll let them travel through time. Mary Anne feels guilty that she didn’t ask any of the other members for help in dealing with the situation because they were fighting. If I were a thirteen year old babysitter, this would get a gigantic NOT MY PROBLEM sticker.

Continuity Alert

• Can we decide what Dawn does and doesn’t eat? In some books, it’s just no red meat. In this one, she says, “Eww” when she sees that Richard and Mary Anne brought home a carton of lobster. In any case, this is good practice for when she finally goes vegan and spends every meal proclaiming that she won’t eat anything that casts a shadow.

Bitchy Remark Du Jour

• “Oh, go choke on an alfalfa sprout!” (I’ll let you figure out who MA directed this comment at.) Go MA!