Babysitters Club Redux: Their Bad Romance

Romantically speaking, the BSC girls get around. From cute New York artists to controlling Southern gentlemen to Juilliard bound ballet dancers and everything in between, they've had more action at thirteen than I've had as a twentysomething. But who will they end up with as adults? Let's take a look.

Kristy

I foresee Elin Nordegren getting fed up with anything with a y chromosome and seeking out the fairer sex. Who will she turn to? Kristy, the world's first softball playing, baby collecting CEO who coaches blernsball to mentally handicapped robots on the side. Of course, you just know Kristy will invite MA over one too many times and then we'll see the Pink Clinker with a golf club embedded in its side.

Claudia

Like so many artistic types, Claudia's going to have a long series of lovers. She'll carry on a bisexual affair with Lady G while designing her Kermit the frog suit, and then brag to everyone who will listen that Poker Face is about her. Then she'll date Damien Hirst (the dude who came up with shark in formaldehyde).

Things will go well...until Damien wants her to submerge herself in formaldehyde and saran wrap for his next piece of performance art and he interprets Claudia's protestation of, "Humans breathe AIR" as "Let's see other people."

Stacey

One day, Stacey's mother, Maureen McGill, will take another rich husband. Maybe a doctor this time, so Maureen won't have to worry about paying for doctor visits when the diabetus acts up. I get so tired of reading about how Stacey shows up for a sitting job at the Johanssens looking like death warmed over and Dr. J works some magic on her.

Maureen will quit her job, the happy family can take all the Fire Island vacations Stacey wants want, and all will be well. Until Stacey comes home from college one day and Stepdaddy Dearest buys her a diamond ring and offers to help her shave her bikini line. Yup, Stace is a blonde Caucasian Soon Yi.

Mary Anne

Mary Anne will stay with Logan for a few years, being the lovable doormat she is. I like the idea that Mary Anne will continue to quilt, knit, and macrame her heart out. Logan will make her work fourteen hour shifts creating pet rock snuggies and bedazzled tea cozies for Etsy, screaming at her that without him and his crafty vision, she's nothing. Eventually, she'll break it off with him, all Tina Turner leaving Ike (or Rihanna leaving Chris Brown for you youngsters), and launch a huge solo line on Bluefly, featuring her signature item, a pink ensemble for Elvira the Goat.

Logan will beg and plead for her to come back to him, telling her, "Remember all the times I dressed up as the Rum Tum Tugger and we broke out the KY intense?"

But Mary Anne will snidely respond, "What's bestiality got to do with it?" and sublimate her sexual tension by spending more time at the animal shelter and Furrie Support Groups.

Dawn

Remember when Lisa Simpson's friends taunted her, "Lisa, are you going to marry a carrot?" Yes. That's who Dawn's going to marry.

She'll divorce him in two years when she decides he's not as committed to the anti meat pro vegan cause as she is.

Mallory

Mal will write children's books for a living and make a bundle outlining the intricate lives of tiny cartoon mice who wear overalls. She'll visit Gap Kids stores and buy clothes thinking how wonderful this would look on her characters. She'll go on living in the Pike household till everyone but Pow the lovable Pike basset hound leaves. Mary Anne will visit her a few times a year and sigh, pitying her.

One day, Mallory will forget to give Pow his kibble and he'll stare at her and she'll stare back, blushing, wondering if they had a Moment.

Pow will lick peanut butter off Mal's thigh while she gets drunk watching reruns of Angelina Ballerina and screams about what a hack Katherine Holabird is, and how she doesn't know the meaning of rodent kid lit. She'll ask him if her hair is sexy even though it's not long and straight and exotic like Claudia or bouncy like Stacey's. She'll ask him if her bedazzled coveralls make her look fat.

Things won't end well.

Jessi

Jessi has a long checklist of attributes in a guy. He has to be black. He has to appreciate dance.

Well, I don't know about you, but who's the first guy you think of when you think of dancing African Americans? No, NOT Alvin Ailey. No, not Gregory Hines. Ben Ver-who?

We're all children of the 80s and 90s here. I'm talking about the guy who, as a kid, taught us to moonwalk. The guy whose Snoopy-esque Happy Dance was essentially acting like Monica Gellar in a Bruce Springsteen video to It's Not Unusual.

No, Alfonso's not what he used to be. But by marrying this C list celebrity, Jessi's that much closer to Dancing with the Stars.

I admit that I mainly want to see Jessi try to take Carlton home to her extended family in New Jersey and watch him eye roll at the African art and soul food, and tell them that while Malcolm X was all right, he's no match for Bryant Gumbel.

As for Abby, if you're wondering if we forgot about you...we did.

Edited to add: Just realized that this is my 100th post. So everyone, feel free to grab a cookie on your way out. We have cookies shaped like Ann M., the Rum Tum Tugger, and Elvira the Goat.