Disney Princesses: The Dark Side

As a huge fan of fairy tales in general, I harbor a strange festering resentment for the Disney princesses. Disney princesses may lounge around in doll form combing their hair with plastic combs and commenting on how many awesome shades of pink there are. But when you look closer at these movies or, in some cases, at the original source material, things get a little more fun. Warning: for those of you who value your childhoods, you have the option of purchasing pwecious memory liability insurance before you get on the ride.

Sleeping Beauty

We all know the story of Sleeping Beauty. But in one version of this story, Sun, Moon and Talia, while the title character falls into a deep hundred year long sleep, things turn out differently. Her savior? Imagine him less as handsome prince with the ability to sing in falsetto...and more a horny guy in the same situation as Pinto in Animal House (except with two devils). The prince has sex with the still unconscious Talia and leaves, while she gets pregnant and gives birth to two twins, still asleep. Like a certain 90210 character, though, I suppose technically the prince didn't drug her--he did take advantage of someone else's roofying.

Here's who I cast as as Sleeping Beauty in our updated version:

Can we say date rape drug two hundred years in the making?

Little Mermaid

The real little mermaid, as told by Hans Christian Anderson, didn't get cutesy sidekicks with Caribbean accents. In addition to selling her voice for real human legs, she also experiences horrible stabbing pains when she walks. Plus, in the end, spends the next 300 years as foam on the sea when she could be kicking it mermaid style (oh, and if she's good, she gets a soul).

This makes the real mermaid the ultimate in the type of girl who does anything to please her man and look hot in the eyes of some arbitrary society (psshaw, legs? Next you'll be telling me I need to be a carbon based life form to be hot). She makes that girl in China attempting to get plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba to win back her ex and Heidi Montag look positively laidback.

Side note. How come Ariel got a lavender seashell bra that still manages some push up action but they couldn't spare so much as a couple of sand dollars for Triton?

Nala

The truth about Nala? Well, the way lion prides work is that a male lion comes in and kills all the existing cubs and then re-impregnantes the lionesses--the better to spread his sperm. There's usually only one male lion per pride because the young adolescent male lions get run off before they can compete. (Looks like Warren Jeffs and Roman Grant were big Lion King fans.) So what am I implying? Nala and Simba were half sibs. Hey, it explains why they freak out when Zazu tells them that they're basically betrothed.

If you're feeling creeped out, it's nowhere near as weird as what happens with crocodiles. They lay eggs and have babies until a tow headed Aussie comes in and jams a thumb up their assholes.

Anyway. When you think about the fact that Uncle Scar takes over the pride in Mufasa and Simba's absence and gets all the lionesses as his harem, it makes the Lion King seem even creepier. Poor Nala.

Think of her as a hairier version of Cathy from Flowers in the Attic.

Jasmine

In the Disney world, Jasmine's winning combo of voicing her opinions and perfect accessorizing made her vulnerable yet spunky--the Gloria Steinem of the Arab world. She also fit in perfectly with the 1990s and their Take Your Daughter to Work Day/Hillary Clinton aesthetic. But in the real world, Jasmine's belly baring proclivities and tendency to wander around the Arab speaking world without a male chaperon would get her sentenced to getting stoned (not the Half Baked kind, the Lottery kind), whipped, and then buried alive. I do like to think that someone would intervene on her behalf (think Angelina Jolie a few years down the road, suffering empty toy box of foreign kids syndrome). Because Jasmine would make a rockin' sensationalist spokesperson for women's rights in the Arab World.

Beauty and the Beast

Disney's Belle is pretty pleased when the beast transforms through the power of her love for him. However, the film upon which the Disney version is based (Cocteau's La Belle et La Bete) succeeded in making the beast so lovable that both Belle and the audience are a bit let down when he transforms. This makes Belle the only Disney princess with bestiality interests (no, pervs, that Alice in Wonderland scene released by an irate animator circulating the Internets doesn't count). It also makes Belleedgy and transgressive, especially in today's fashion world. I predict that Belle would be the first Disney princes to make the cover of Vogue.

Pocahontas

I don't have a lot to say here. Except, Johnny boy? Dude...she's ten. Don't tell me you just want to paint with all the colors of the wind. Dude, she's ten. That long legged well developed beauty? It's a dream! A fantasy! All in your head, along with the Old Woman Talking Willow Tree and the non rabid friendly raccoons. Now put down the tobaccy (and the wacky tobaccy) and go watch Toddlers and Tiaras, you sick, sick perv.

Here's who they should have cast as Pocahontas: