NYC Prep: Meet the Feebs

Sadako gets further away from her BSC roots. (Sorry, but these kids needed a snarking much more than poor put upon Mallory.) This post will introduce the main characters. They include Jessie, P.C., Kelli, Sebastian, Camille, and Taylor. Pay attention, there will be a quiz. And in the next few days, hopefully, I'll put up some recaps of this wonderfully awful show.

Jessie and P.C. kvetch about the hardships of getting into college. Jessie and P.C. have a long history (they've known each other since the sixth grade! back when Jessie was on nose number two, right? and when P.C. was just coming off the assembly line with Bill Gates chanting "My precious" at him). They used to date but now they've got this whole When Harry Met Sally, Mr. Big and Carrie, Andrea and Brandon, will they or won't they vibe going on, except without hip one-liners or fake orgasms.

As the two of them try desperately to channel Sebastian Valmont and Catherine Mertreuil (I get the sense that the required viewing for being on the show included Cruel Intentions, Gossip Girl, Cruel Intentions: the TV show, and Cruel Intentions: the Animated Series), I faintly hear a producer off screen shrieking, "Look more world-weary!" P.C. tells Jessie that if she doesn't get into the school of her choice, she can just have someone pull a few strings. "That's what New York is. Money is power. That's what it is."

P.C. introduces himself to the viewer, saying he was born and raised in New York and lives on the Upper East Side. (God, it's going to get old typing this out--note to self, find a better macro.) "The thing about New York is just, money flows like the wind." Oh, that's who wrote that abysmal Patrick Swayze track for Dirty Dancing.

Now on to Jessie. "I'm Jessie, I'm a senior, I'm seventeen, and I live on the Upper East Side." And I'm the resident bitch. Think Kelly Taylor before she got all saintly. Jessie's all about fashion, has a Barney's personal shopper, and inspires more rage in me than the Anna Wintour knockoff in Devil Wears Prada. Back to the kids. Jessie's on the board of Operation Smile, an organization devoted to getting poor children access to cleft palate surgery. P.C. muses that there are more important things to devote time and money to while Jessie erupts. No, I agree, P.C., there are way better causes.

Like getting this poor cross-eyed girl a Burberry eye patch.

And then holding a fundraiser to investigate the cause of why a seemingly healthy young man is growing pubic hair from his chin. (Does the pube fairy have it in for you?)

Next, Kelli. She wants to be a professional singer.

Well, seems she has the connections of Kelly Osbourne, the dark tresses of Kelly Kapowski, the bland cuteness of Kelly Clarkson, and the voice of a mule undergoing castration. Her parents live most of the time in the Hamptons so Kelli and her eighteen year old brother pretty much live alone in their apartment.

Judging from that grin on your face, when you're very, very good, little sister lets you re-enact Flowers in the Attic? Why so much time in the Hamptons? I'm guessing it's because Mom needs a safe haven for when her breast implants occasionally deflate leaving an oozing mess--who wants to deal with that when you're waiting for a table at Nobu? Cut to Kelli en famille eating Chinese food (they order in every night and have no idea where the cutlery is! they're just that New York!).

I shriek for a moment. "Donatella! I didn't know you were--Oh." Yeah, just Kelli's ma, looking pissed at having to squander another minute with the fruits of her loins. Soon, the parents leave.

Enter: the boy toy! Kelli and her friends nosh in style as Sebastian comes in to join them. The girls cream for him, giggling and telling him he looks like a surfer. (Are surfers even in? I thought it was still pirates, ninjas, robots, and boys wearing eyeliner.)

God, I haven't seen floppy hair get this much love since the days when Shawn Hunter and Eric Matthews ruled ABC. (Oh, I miss those kids.) Sebastian tells us he's sixteen, a sophomore, and lives on the Upper East Side. Really? Because I was going to guess outer Zanzibar. No, don't look confused, that's a joke, kid.

Sebastian tells us he likes to hook up with two to three girls a night and up to sixteen girls a month. To the girls at the table, he says, "Why date one girl when you can, like, hook up with a bunch?" The Costco approach to the fairer sex--I love it! There's some awkward laughter as everyone surreptitiously tries to remember whose water glass was whose and how long herpes lives when exposed to the air. Sebastian and Kelli make eyes at each other and he gives her his digits. Oh, Leisure Suit Sebastian, you go boy.

Next, Camille, who's seventeen, a junior, lives on the Upper West Side, and (I gather) loves a good seance.

Do my ears deceive me?! Cool! Maybe we'll get a mention of Zabar's! (Man, if I only had a bagel right now.) Camille tries to tell us that she's rich but not that rich.

Well, considering that the richer you get, the tackier your decor and/or clothes can get (see my theory on Bill Cosby sweaters), yep, you guys are swimming in it. Where did most of this stuff come from? The Neverland Ranch yard sale? Camille tells us she doesn't want to apologize for having money. Can you apologize for not spending it better?

Camille's the Tracy Flick over-achiever type of the group. We cut to SaraBeth's (so you know you're on the West Side), where Camille's mother puts away her Botox needles and pulls out her cattle prod, and asks about Camille's SAT scores.

In between scones, Camille takes out her Blackberry (because finding out your scores while eating cold pop tarts and fried rice via non wireless means is so lower middle!). She dislocates her jaw telling us she, "didn't do amazingly" but still did pretty well. Camille and ma do their best to put on a good face for the camera, before going on to the issue of community service. As to whether or not she'll take the SATs over again, I can already see Cinda (Camille's mom) dolled up like Kate Winslet in The Reader standing over the Kaplan books screaming, "Schnell."

You know what would make Camille a lot more appealing to a mass audience? If you replaced the text with "I can has purrffct skor?!" And also replaced Camille with a wide eyed Russian blue. Lolcats. Is there anything they can't improve?

Next, we see a shot of an American flag in front of a building and (how gauche!) a yellow school bus. Meet Taylor. She talks to her friends about spring break in front of grey lockers.

Toto, we're not in Groton anymore. Taylor is a fifteen year old sophomore at a New York public school (Stuyvesant, FTR). She voice overs that it's hard to keep up with the private school set. Taylor is the anti-Holden Caulfield, lodged firmly up the ass of the most high ranking crumbums in the private school scene. She tells us that she has some private school kids who think nothing of dropping five c's on lunch or dinner at high priced restaurants and then pay the bill without her having to chip in. Aw, having rich friends rocks.

The token outsider. Something tells me that Taylor will soon be playing the Danielle Staub to Frau Jessie's Caroline. (What? You know you love the Jersey housewives, too.) Or the Paulina Porizkova to Kelli's Tyra Banks. Except Taylor's rather sweet, and I make a mental note to send her a copy of Curtis Sittenfeld's Prep.

So, the quiz.

1. Which character most needs someone to replace their favorite hair product with Nair?

A. Kelli
B. Sebastian
C. Taylor

2. What's Kelli's deal?

A. She's the independent one
B. She's going to be a famous pop singer
C. Her parents want to sell her to the circus

3. What's Jessie's biggest interest?

A. Boning P.C.
B. Fashion
C. Helping ugly poor kids