NYC Prep: Episode 2: Flip of the Hair

P.C. tells Jessie how young and irritating Kelli and Camille were at dinner, with the air of the Vicomte de Valmont informing Mertreuil that he couldn't possibly seduce Cecile de Volanges because it would simply be too easy. Then P.C. tells Jessie that Kelli and Camille thought that she was a bitch and that he agreed. She reacts by going Miss Piggy on him and smacking him across the face.

Well. That'll show him. Though I've been wanting to do that ever since the show's opening, so kudos, Frau Jessie.

Next, shopping. Taylor and her friends go shopping at a vintage store to find something nice for her date with Sebastian. Wait, she's not going to Dolce & Gabana? Something tells me that this is the prep school world equivalent of Scarlet O'Hara taking a pair of scissors to her curtains to make a suitable dress. Taylor tells us she's pretty much only dated public school boys with the same tone of voice that a woman in the antebellum South might say that someone's only dated mulattoes. Her friends ask her who she likes better, her recent ex, Cole, or Sebastian. When the others ask whom she prefers, Taylor says, "I don't know, I guess I'm stressed out." The girls debate the merits of the two boys. "Or who has more money--Sebastian," they agree. Aww, it's like watching a teenage Lily Bart with her friends.

I'm reminded again of the disadvantages of having girly female friends--having to feign interest at a parade of ugly dresses and refrain from responding to, "Does this dress make me look fat " with "No, your rolls of fat make you look fat, fatty." (No, saying you really meant phat doesn't work.) Though to be fair, Taylor is pretty svelte.

Later, Kelli and Sebastian meet up. (Remember that last time Kelli brought Sebastian to Taylor's party and he ended up being way more into Taylor.) Sebastian brings her a peace offering to make up for her going home so soon: a box of cupcakes. I can SWEAR, I can see her checking the box to make sure they're Magnolia bakery cupcakes. When it turns out that Sebastian didn't do anything as declasse as purchase something made by Hostess or Mrs. Freshley's, she starts creaming her Seven jeans and hugging the hair flippy moppet. Kelli voiceovers that she LOVES cupcakes even more than regular cake (how quirky). Then she asks Sebastian out to dinner, but he tells her he's got dinner plans with Taylor.

Behold: the ugliest therapist's office in all of Manhattan.

Furnished by an auction at the Liberace estate. Sebastian tells his therapist that he wants a relationship and a bunch of other stuff that I didn't really listen to. In happier news, I'm pleased to announce that the chin pubes are dead, vive le pube-less chin!

I'll level with you. This isn't really a therapist--they couldn't get so much as a social worker to voluntarily appear on this show, so they found Judy the bag lady outside the Natural History Museum, dressed her up in some last season Gucci and tada. And no, the free crack cocaine and gift certificate to Circuit City they gave her do not make up for having to listen to P.C. talks about how everyone in New York is antsy and impatient, and how he himself flushes the toilet before he's done peeing. (Yes, he really said that, and P.C.? you know, they have antibiotics for that.)

I wait for the psychiatrist to start screaming at him that he's a self-centered sociopath and that ripping out magazine pages is not cool before she terminates her services. But then I realize that great legs and a hip, modern office are not the only things that Jennifer Melfi has that this shrink/bag lady lacks.

Sebastian voice overs that he's bringing Taylor to a French restaurant and that speaking French to the gals always works. Yeah, well, until the day you meet a girl with a Nazi fetish, but okay. Sebastian hair flips and tells us that this is his favorite restaurant. Taylor reminds us how important this date is for her social status because she normally dates sex offenders and juvenile delinquents public school kids, and Sebastian's a prepster. We get it. Taylor thinks, "It's a turn on when a guy is bilingual." No, wrong bi, Taylor. She goes on to talk about how much she loves money and social status and everything that prep schools represent. The two of them speak French and Sebastian smiles, since he's on Muzzy tape 3 while Taylor's still on Muzzy tape 1. Also he's seen Telefrancais in its entirety, so there.

Then it turns out that Taylor's a vegan and she only orders salad with no dressing (what? no very special musings on anorexia? saving that for a few episodes later?).

At the end of the date, they kiss and I wonder how Taylor hasn't passed out--no, not from hunger, from Axe fumes.

P.C. meets with Amanda, his ex, to ask what he did wrong in their relationship. If the answer isn't "Fucking the pool boy when you were supposed to be with me at a very important dinner date," you can smack my ass and call me Agador Spartacus. Amanda tells us that they were at different points in their lives.

(Can we add the words, P.C.'s ex beard to her caption?) From the look of that mane, P.C. appreciates the horsier women in his life. Where does he get them? Belmont?

Meanwhile, at a hot trendy store downtown, Eight Belles paws the ground and whinnies in frustration. Frau Jessie is planning a fashion show to raise money for Operation Smile and needs P.C. to help pick out clothes. He comes...an hour late. (Try thinking of Adam Lambert next time.)

Another friend of P.C. offers to set him up on a blind date. He asks if the girl from Jersey and they giggle. "Absolutely not," his friend assures him. (Damn, no Real Housewives of Jersey cross-over? Danielle Staub would probably forgo her weekly tan 'n tox to blow this guy.) P.C. wants something a little more tasteful in his relationships from now on. Oh, honey, next to your last two fillies, a Fleshlight is more tasteful.

Camille and Kelli go to a downtown spa to kvetch about that meddling Lizzie Bennett and her designs on Mr. Darcy. Oh, wait, I mean Taylor's hard on for Sebastian. After calling Sebastian, Camille and Kelli find out that he kissed Taylor after their date. That hussy!

Kelli almost cries her face mask off. Oh, producers, kudos on filming the rich girls at a spa. This makes the (original) 90210 scene where Brenda talks to Kelly on the phone while painting her toenails look positively bourgeois in comparison. (I'm just glad they cut the "Let's talk about getting into Hah-vahd while we get a Brazilian wax" scene because my gag reflex could barely take that Taylor/Sebastian make out scene.) Camille and Kelli decide to pull rank and go Heathers on Taylor.

In a loft somewhere, Jessie bitches to Downtown Zoe about the little girls down the lane--Camille and Kelli. They called her a bitch for being rude at that fashion event. Jessie defends herself saying she was there to network and that the fashion industry is "hard" and "cutthroat." Hmm. Thai jail. East L.A. Berlin in the 1930s. All those pale in comparison with an industry where people are arguing over where the poof should go in the next teacup poodle sweater line. The two talk about Zoe's upcoming party.

Camille and Kelli invite Taylor to an expensive store to be total bitches and also to show off how much money they have. Camille tells us that the public school scene is very laid back next to the prep school scene. New Bedlam Asylum for the Criminally Insane is laid back next to the prep school scene. As the girls question Taylor about how the date went, she tells them it went well and they giggle at her while she looks uncomfortable. They invite her to go to Zoe's party that night. Then the preppies try on ugly clothes while Taylor looks on at the clothes she can't afford.

Aw. What costumes shall the poor girl wear to all tomorrow's parties? Finally, she leaves the House of Couture and Class Conflict. To be honest, I don't really like Taylor, but Camille and Kelli's behavior makes me want to eat about a thousand cherry pits before downing some Ipecac (or watching Sebastian hit on some socialites) and then vomit onto their poorly designed clothes. Then they call up Sebastian and invite him to Zoe's party, too.

Ooh! It's a tableau of my toys from when I was little. The My Little Pony doll who fell in the toilet talks on the phone while my brother's plastic Free Willy doll (I mean action figure) beaches itself.

Uh, I mean, Frau Jessie interrogates P.C. over her Blackberry while Zoe looks on. P.C.'s going on a blind date so he can't come to the party. Jessie wishes there were a way to shove bamboo shoots up someone's fingers over the phone as she says good-bye. The girls head out to a party which is downtown in some loft or whatever. In the car, Zoe mocks the bridge and tunnel types who rent those ridiculous hummer-limos. I agree that they are worthy of derisive comment, but not from you, Zoe. Get back in your tank and stop talking. Oh yes, this party they're on their way to. It's a birthday party. Zoe's turning 18 and they're having a party to celebrate. I hope she gets Armani sunglasses and an undiagnosed STD that leads to her going infertile.

Meanwhile, P.C.'s on the prowl! Blind date night is tonight and the chin pubes are out in full effect! Sure, he's missing Zoe's party but all these parties are the same after a while. As he perches there, waiting, I'm thinking that I owe Moe Syzlak a C note if a human girl actually does show up.

Oh, and yes, I was right. The blind date girl doesn't even call and he slinks home alone. Maybe she watches the show. If he were half way sympathetic, this would be the point where I feel kind of vaguely sorry for him. But because P.C. has the sympathy quotient of a used cumrag, it's time to pull a Nelson Muntz.

At the party, Kelli tries to flirt with everyone's favorite Muppet slash surferboy Sebastian. Camille says hi to Sebastian and he tells her she's got something in her teeth (ouch! Fozzie Bear's got claws). Then Taylor shows up and it's Go Time. The hair starts flipping. Kelli tears up.

Aw, honey, don't smudge your Urban Decay over this clown. She leaves abruptly. Camille waves good-bye to her.

You are the weakest ho-bag! Goodbye!

But there's trouble in paradise for young Gatsby and Daisy. Taylor's old, public school boyfriend, Cole, has shown up. I don't know why Sebastian's so worried. Cole doesn't have long, flippable hair. Finally, Cole leaves and Sebastian and Taylor dance the dance of a thousand prepsters and then leave together.