NYC Prep Episode 1: Top Half of One Percent

About the quiz from last time. The answer to one is B. (Sebastian). This kid's hair actually becomes a plot point later in the episode. God, never have I hated hair so much since the Beek's in Dawson's Croak. Number two. Hmm. You know, I just don't care. And three: trick question--none. Jessie's main interest is in slowly but surely dislodging the splintery bamboo shoot protruding from her ass.

So, the episode began with the character intros that I recapped last time. It continues with Taylor attempting to plan a party to raise her social status (tip to Taylor: you can't go wrong with pinatas). Her pesky mother keeps getting in the way, wanting to know who's coming. Taylor's cagey--when her mother asks, "Kids from school?" she responds, "Some from school." Who's on this list, the last Nazi war criminal?

Back to Sebastian. When we last saw him, he got Kelli's number. He tells us, "Kelli could definitely be my girlfriend but I'd rather hook up with as many girls as I want." God, it's like hearing a Muppet Baby recite I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one. Later, he meets up with her to hang out.

They go into a store and he watches while she tries on clothes. I can positively hear Sebastian thinking, "Okay, we did your thing--on to Babeland for some gold plated dildos."

Camille then calls Kelli to invite her to Taylor's party later that night. Up for a night of slumming with the little people, Kelli decides to bring Sebastian along, too. (You're bringing HIM? Oh, come on, I'm sure you've got a collection of Maltese puppies at home to stuff into your Kate Spade bag and bring along instead. I've had honest to god yeast infections cuter than this guy.)

Cut to Taylor's party (at a Japanese restaurant downtown). She tells us she's nervous: "There's public school kids, there's private school kids and I'm not sure if everyone's gonna mix well." Jets, Sharks, Jets, Sharks! Sadako starts to chant till Kelli fixes her with the stare of doom and she slinks off to eat her mahi mahi roll and listen to her West Side Story soundtrack. Camille asks the other girls how they were forced into being here and I'm cringing because it's all very let's put cute lil social climbin' Becky Sharpe back in her place. Later, Sebastian shows up and Camille tells him he should feel awkward being the only guy there.

"Awesome?" he asks. "Awkward," she corrects him. "Oh, I'm sorry, awesome," she says as the other girls disagree. That girl's a regular mini Dorothy Parker.

Kelli watches jealously as Sebastian flirts with Taylor, telling her that he speaks French. (Okay, you finished one Muzzy workbook, Sebastian, let's not go crazy.)

Taylor's one smitten kitten who can't wait to rub her paws through Sebastian's greasy, old-money locks. Kelli and Camille stalk off to go blog about how Sebastian would rather flirt with the hired help than date a woman of quality.

New scene. Jessie and her friend Zoe talk about fashion. Zoe admits to wearing clothes that cost less than twenty dollars, and Jessie tells her it's because she's "so downtown."

Poor Jessie probably can't fathom wearing a tampon that cost less than $20 (well, you try finding a bejeweled tampon made from real Cherokee hair for anything less than that). Jessie's on her way out with P.C. to go to a fashion event and see if she can meet contacts. And by meet contacts, I mean stuff herself up the assholes of the Project Runway losers who are probably the only ones attending this craptastic fashion party. Jessie tells Zoe that she and P.C. are just good friends even though they used to date.

In the limo on the way over, Jessie and P.C. look at their Blackberries. Apparently one of them got a message about P.C.: "Poor P.C., he can charm the skin off a snake but one day he'll get bitten by the creature." You know, as hard as you try to make him out to be Ryan Philippe in Cruel Intentions, jaded before he's even in his twenties, I know it's a put on. I bet P.C. sits at home in his Pokemon pajamas and plays with his transformers.

At the show, Frau Jessie makes a mental hitlist of all girls who flirt with, look at, or share breathing space with P.C. Then she informs us how she's here to meet people in the business, not socialize with kids their age. She hobnobs with a little troll who made it out from under a bridge to own his own PR firm.

God, can we get a spunky little Anne Hathaway lite to plant a cherry bomb in Anna Wintour's bum, here? Kelli and Camille show up at the event and P.C. double kisses them both (double kissing=kissing on each girl and Camille seems to think that this indicates that P.C. has some serious balls of steel). Camille and Kelli attempt to say hi to Jessie whose vagina grows teeth in rage when P.C. acknowledges the presence of girls who aren't her.

She frowns and goes off to cut a switch. We find out later that P.C. got Kelli's information. Kelli's a little hussy, isn't she? First Sebastian, now P.C.

The next day, P.C. tells Zoe and Jessie about his upcoming Sunday date with Kelli. Jessie seethes and attends to her Blackberry. P.C. tells her that his pet peeve is people texting when talking to the almighty P.C. "Put it on vibrate or something." Ew, please don't, Jessie, at least not until the cameras are off and you can relax in the bubble bath with some Michael Bolton alone.

While shopping for tights, Taylor engages in some girlish chitchat with her mother. Mom asks if she like-likes Sebastian and desperately tries to play Samantha Jones to Taylor's Carrie Bradshaw.
I feel kind of bad because Taylor voiceovers that she'd never take romantic advice from Mommy Fearest, who's divorced and doesn't even have a boyfriend.

Later, Sebastian goes out on a double date (nope, not with Kelli OR Taylor--two new girls!), bringing along his mighty wingman who will take whichever girl he decides is his castoff. These boys are both horrifyingly hair-flippy. Gabe, Sebastian's pale, Clamato drinking friend, tells Sebastian that he should do a hair flip towards whichever girl he decides he wants. As Gabe demonstrates, I restrain the urge to pull a Delilah and make Brillo pads out of both boys' hairdos.

The girls show up. Sebastian wows one of them by showing off the fact that he has all the Muzzy tapes at home. And also, Muzzy pajamas. En francais, he tells the girl that he's going to marry her tonight. I wait for her to lean forward and ask, "Bruno? Is that you?" before attempting to rip off his face mask, flippy hair and all. But no, she's creaming her Vera Wang tights. (What IS it with this guy?! Is he wearing pheromones? Do his Axe soaked follicles really turn on girls?)

Sebastian starts seriously hair flipping in her direction and I'm this close to cutting a bitch. At the end of the date, Sebastian hugs the girl (and Gabe plays Wingman to the girl's friend), but Sebastian reminds the viewer in his voiceover that he couldn't possibly settle down until he's sixty. Slick! (Will you still wheel me, will you still deal me, when I'm 64?)

Next, P.C.'s dinner with Kelli. Kelli brings Camille along on her date, and he can't believe it. This is an odd date, but not as creepy as the time I went out with that BDSM dude who brought along his girlfriend and a list of dungeon scenarios that he wanted to act out with me. P.C., though, is too jaded to turn this into a threesome. I get the feeling that if one of them brought up a lil menage, he'd say something like, "Yeah, you know, it's all been done--really, the only way I can get turned on these days is if gerbils nibble on my nipples while an Asian boy kneels by me as I flip through the pages of the Wall Street Journal. Really, sex is so overdone."

Kelli and Camille probe P.C. about Jessie, and then all three of them talk about what a bitch Jessie is. (Et tu, P.C.-e?") P.C. makes it clear that he and Jessie are no longer an item. Speaking of Jessie, it turns out Camille came along because she wants to know about Operation Smile as part of her community service so she can go to Hah-vahd. (Jessie sits on the board of Operation Smile.) "So if P.C. could help me out with Operation Smile and getting on the board, I think this would really make this dinner very productive." Christ, you want to get into Harvard that bad, can't you just ace your SATs and send them a video of you in a bikini talking about how you feel comfortable using legal jargon in every day life? As for the community service, why not just go de-worm some cute puppies or host a naked car wash.

Later, P.C. sighs about how horrid the food is, how small the portions are, and then wows them with how he ate blowfish the other night. (P.C., you ass, it's one thing to call Jessie a bitch, but "blowfish"? That's harsh.)

To prepare blowfish, you need two years' experience, Camille adds. (Or an assistant who's really good at covering for you when you step out to make out with Mrs. Krappabel.)

Ever charming, P.C. asks the girls how old they are, twelve? They stare at him, telling him how abrasive he's being. (Okay, if it were me, I'd respond, "Yeah, well, pedophile is a big word for a twelve year old.") P.C. voice overs that they're "fucking young bitches" that need to be taken to task.

Having drinks with Jessie later that night, P.C. talks about how dating is so over and how frustrating the scene is. Jessie volunteers to set him up with someone more his speed, some tall, skinny brunette. He quips that he doesn't want to date himself (someone's still trapped in the closet!) and then tells Jessie to set it up, tossing a capped water bottle at her and snapping his fingers at her. (I'm going to add P.C. under Sasha Baron Cohen to my list of people who make Tom Cruise seem adorable.) Jessie flips (god, I really want to see Nina Garcia unleashing her fiery Latina temper and throwing jalepenos and sombreros at Jessie when she interns at Elle) and storms out of the restaurant (presumably with her PDA on vibrate).

Later, P.C. is contrite. He calls up Frau Jessie, saying he's at Columbus Circle and wants to meet up to apologize (Jessie asking him if he's wearing a fanny pack since he's in Tourist Central--oh, Jessie, I think you're late for that Algonquin Round Table meeting!).

Still to come in future episodes: will Taylor and Sebastian make out? Will Camille get on the board of Operation Smile? Will Jessie disembowel Kelli? And will P.C. shave the chin pubes or spring for a Brazilian?